-Hey, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show" at-home edition.
It is me, Jimmy Fallon, wishing you the best night
and sleep that you're gonna get after this 'cause
usually when I read some jokes, you doze off, and that's fine.
You're allowed to do that. You can do whatever you want.
I'm just here to let you know that I'm just here.
That's all. That's what I wanted to let you know.
And it's almost Friday, which basically means
it's almost Saturday, Sunday, and Monday is Memorial Day
and so hopefully some people get the day off on Monday.
But thank you so much for watching.
Let's get to some jokes here and some news.
You guys, it's almost summer and now
that more states are reopening,
the CDC has released safety recommendations
for using public pools.
Yep, if you haven't seen them,
it is just a sign that says, "Eh, I wouldn't."
You could. I wouldn't.
They're also advising people not to not wear masks
while in the water.
I think that's a good call actually because if you thought
spotting a Band-Aid floating in the water was gross,
imagine a pool filled with used face masks.
I think Band-Aids still freak me out,
even if it's my Band-Aid.
I know what's in it.
Even if it's a little cut and Neosporin and the Band-Aid,
but if it slips off and that loop floats towards me,
it might as well be a shark.
It's the -- It would honestly make me not want to swim again.
Eww!
What if it's small and there aren't any children in the pool?
It's like someone's pinky toe Band-Aid.
What? Eww!
Barf. Barf.
Both Johnson & Johnson got sick.
Today President Trump toured a Ford
manufacturing plant in Michigan.
He spoke about the coronavirus, jobs,
and his plans to pardon Lori Loughlin.
"Aunt Becky has been treated terribly, very terribly."
That's right. Everyone is talking about this.
It came out today that Lori Loughlin has changed her mind
and agreed to plead guilty in the college admission scandal.
That's right.
Loughlin finally decided to do what's right
after a heart-to-heart talk with Bob Saget.
"Hey, kiddo.
You got a second?"
Loughlin will serve two months in prison, pay a $150,000 fine,
and this is rough -- she has to do 100 hours of Hallmark movies.
I like those movies. -We love those.
-I like -- I say like because --
-Because you actually love.
-I really do love.
I love a Hallmark movie.
I don't even know --
Have I seen Lori Loughlin in a Hallmark movie?
I've seen Candice Cameron.
I don't know.
What's my favorite Hallmark one?
Oh, it's "Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus."
Steve Guttenberg. Classic.
Crystal Bernard. -Crystal Bernard.
-Oh, I love that one.
I love Hallmark movies.
I'm saying it like I'm the only person
like it's a bizarre thing.
Everyone loves Hallmark movies. Right?
-I think so. -I do.
-I do.
-Yesterday in Michigan, barbers
gave haircuts outside the capitol
in a new protest called Operation Haircut.
Years from now when I look back at all the great protests
in our nation's history,
I will always think about the Boston Tea Party,
the March on Washington,
and, of course, Operation Haircut.
Well, the NBA might try to resume their season
by playing all the games at Disney World.
Here's how it will work.
The players wait in line for three hours
then the game lasts two minutes.
A new report found that canceling college football
this season would result in the loss of $4 billion.
That's crazy.
That's like taking all the money college football players
will make this year and adding $4 billion.
Kellogg's is releasing a Fruit Loops --
Are we doing this joke?
Alright. Kellogg's is releasing
a Fruit Loops and Frosted Flakes mashup cereal.
Yeah, Frosted Flakes and Fruit Loops in the same box.
It should be better than the Honey Nut Cheerios
Grape Nuts mashup -- Nut-Nuts.
I would eat that too.
I love Grape Nuts.
I don't like soggy Grape Nuts.
That's up there with Band-Aids.
However, Grape Nut ice cream?
We'll have that conversation.
We'll walk down that road together.
Well, a pair of scientists said that they found 47 traits
that make flirting effective.
When people said they want to see the results,
scientists were like, "You want to see the results."
"No, I want to see the results." "You can see them.
You can see all the results if you want.
Do you want to wear my lab jacket?
You don't have to."
You take the lab jacket off
and you put it over the person and they're on the swing set.
♪ What would you do if I sang ♪
Hey, I saw that tomorrow Pacman turns 40 years old.
Like a lot of 40-year-olds, he went in for a checkup
and his doctor was like,
"I'm going to need you to cut back on the dots
and the ghosts and stuff like that.
Can you do that for me?"
"I'm really only having like one or two dots a week."
Okay.
Finally, this is a great story. I heard about a runner
who finished 19 marathons in 19 days
to raise money for coronavirus relief.
Then tomorrow he's running a 20th marathon
to raise money for his bloody nipples.
Everybody, that's the monologue right there.
Thank you very, very much.
What a show we have tonight. You know her.
You love her. You can't live without her.
11 seasons on "Modern Family," oh, my goodness.
Sofia Vergara is on the show, and now she's a judge
on "America's Got Talent."
She probably thought she was getting a little time off.
No, no, no.
Life doesn't work like that.
We need more Sofia Vergara.
We love you.
And now she's doing my show.
She's raising money for kiva.org, which is very cool.
Thank you, Sofia, for doing the show.
We also have Steve Coogan and Rob Brydon,
two super-funny human beings, and this is their last --
I don't know if you have seen "The Trip,"
but there is like three of them now.
This is the last "Trip" is coming out tomorrow on demand.
They go to Greece, and I cannot wait to watch that.
It is like having a conversation at dinner
with two of the funniest humans ever.
So I'll have a conversation with them later on Zoom.
And then to close out the show music-wise,
ooh, from Australia, Courtney Barnett!
That's my girl. That's my girl.
Courtney Barnett.
I love her, man.
Hey, tonight we have a really cool thing.
I know I'm from New York.
Born and raised in New York, but Pizza Hut
has always kind of been there for me.
You know that, honey. I still order Pizza Hut.
I love it. It's hard to find in the city,
but I find it and I love it so much.
And this is a cool thing.
Actually Pizza Hut is where I used to go with my parents
when we had good nights out like
if I was celebrating something,
like even I would say like graduation or something.
It was a major deal to go out to dinner at Pizza Hut.
Me and my sister would have a booth.
My mom always wanted a booth.
"Do you have any booths?
I only want to eat in a booth."
Okay. "Yeah. I'm not even hungry."
Well, a booth opened. "Okay. We'll take it."
And they would sit and then we'd go play Pacman, who's --
Anyways, Pizza Hut is doing this cool thing
because you know what? They love the graduates,
and I love the graduates of 2020 and, man,
you got a raw deal this year.
No real graduation for you guys
and no real prom, and Pizza Hut wanted to,
I don't know, wanted to make it a little bit cooler for you.
So guess what.
They've giving out 500,000 pizzas
to graduates of 2020 and their families.
500,000 pizzas.
So if you want, go to pizzahut.com/gradparty,
and they're going to use
the contactless curbside pickup for this.
So thank you to America's dairy farmers
and for Pizza Hut for doing this cool thing,
and congratulations, class of 2020.
You know we love you.
That's pretty, pretty cool.
Oh, you know what? I forgot to do this.
Pretend you didn't hear that.
Hey, guys.
It's Jimmy Fallon talking to you.
This is for the graduates.
So if you are not a graduate of 2020, please leave the room.
Graduates, this was a tough one.
You deserve everything.
And you know what?
Pizza Hut is there for you.
They want you to have everything.
If you go to pizzahut.com/gradparty,
they're going to give -- well, they're not gonna give you --
but they're gonna give, in total,
500,000 pizzas to you guys to have a little party
because you deserve it.
Thank you, Pizza Hut, and thank you, graduates of 2020.
♪ Thank you so much ♪
♪ Thank you ♪
Alright. Here we go.