- I have to go to a model casting.
This is going to be a place where
people are gonna be looking at my body from head to toe.
- It is a burnout shirt,
you can see through it.
- Honestly, nothing is toning this down
(upbeat pop music)
- This week I'm going to be styling outfits
that highlight the area of my body,
that brings me the most gender dysphoria, my chest.
- The body insecurity I'm focusing on this week are my arms.
I am trying to get used to them again.
My body has changed throughout the last year
because of quarantine.
- One of the major things that I've had to overcome
has been loving the skin tone that I have.
I would literally avoid wearing bright colors.
I was afraid that brighter tones
would make my skin look darker.
- So I identify as transgender.
And for the entirety of my life,
I have always had a strong level of discomfort
surrounding my chest.
- I started my self appreciation
or body positivity journey almost 10 years ago.
I always take a week where I challenge myself
to show off a body part.
- What I'm going to be doing in this week
is attempting to style myself in neon clothing.
This is something that my younger self
would've never done,
and something that my present self
is still nervous about doing.
- I'm hopeful that I'll be able to come out of this week
looking at my chest with a new perspective.
(pop music)
So our first challenge is going to be purchasing
some new clothes.
- I'm going to attempt to thrift some neon pieces
before doing any sort of online shopping,
hashtag thrifty vibes (chuckles).
(pop music)
- So I am here on asos
and I'm going to go straight into their plus size clothes.
There are very little sleeveless options.
And I think it's because a lot of retailers believe that
plus size people have insecurities with their arms.
- So one thing I've always seen
that I have completely avoided are muscle tees.
This burgundy muscle fit T-shirt is going to be perfect.
I normally wear a binder.
I'm going to challenge myself to not wear a binder
for any of these outfits.
- We made it to the thrift store.
(pop music)
- [Toni] I am officially done with my thrift shopping.
Now we just have to fill in the blanks.
Savage X Fenty, that's cute.
- I spoke to my friend,
I told her that this was happening.
She recently launched a bandana top.
And what better way to show off your arms
then like having nothing, not even like a tank top.
- I was thinking maybe a vest would be a good go-to
because there are panels that will hide my like chest,
but it will also still seem very exposed and vulnerable.
All right, it's a done deal.
And we're gonna see how this goes.
(pop music)
- It is day one.
We don't have a specific challenge today
because we basically did the first part of it,
which was the online shopping portion.
- I think I'm gonna do a slip dress,
but instead of automatically showing my arms,
I'm going to pull a mesh top that kind of
you can see my arms but like,
I still have the security blanket of like,
having something to cover them
even though it's like the sheer material.
- I'm going to I think, ease myself into this week.
Like I'm gonna to start with just a button-up
that might be a little bit looser
to just give me some extra give,
but I'm gonna leave it a little bit unbutton.
What I'm thinking of the perfect one
that it's still pretty stylish
and unique to my style
is gonna be my neon green cow print button-up.
- We've already gotten some of the packages in.
This is so out of
what I would normally choose for myself,
but I still think it's cute.
- I have my sheer top.
You can still see my arms
but I'm easing my way in with this outfit.
It feels cute,
and I'm just hoping that this encourages me
to continue doing it throughout the week.
- I know that I was anxious,
but I put on this outfit
and I am feeling every ounce of my chest.
- Very loud, very bright, very here, but very uncomfortable.
I'm about to go to the store to pick up a couple of things.
At least I'm comfortable.
- Today it was really relaxing.
I had a couple of zoom catch-ups with some friends.
When I was watering my flowers,
I was so nervous that something
was going to like pop out or be exposed,
and I think that just comes from years of hiding my chest.
- Overall went really well, I thought I looked really cute.
I also got lots of compliments
(camera click)
on the outfit,
which made me feel loved and accepted with my body.
Even though I try not to allow other people
to make me feel good or bad about myself.
- All right, so I just got back from my little outing.
The cashier did tell me that I was bright today,
but they also told me that my skin was
quote unquote, "Brown and glorious".
I feel cute today,
and I'm proud of myself today.
- It is day two of the challenge,
and today we have to go to a place
where there's going to be people around us.
I have to go to a model casting.
This is going to be a place
where people are gonna be looking at my body
from head to toe.
I'm actually really nervous about it.
- I woke up with the realization
that everybody's declaration of self-love looks different.
And that's something I think I was struggling with at first.
Cause I was like, "People have real insecurities".
I'm confident, like, what am I talking about?
But I also have come to understand
that loving yourself doesn't have an end point.
- I'm going to wear muscle T-shirt
and some really fun pattern pants.
I'm gonna push myself
and I'mma try it on without a binder.
- So it was requested that I wear a tank top.
So there's no hiding those arms today at all.
Here it is.
I have just this white silk tank top.
- This top is indeed very, very bright.
I've never really styled anything this bright before.
I do need to pick up a couple of things
for my dogs, get me some snacks.
- I decided to really push myself
and to go without a binder.
I don't feel as dysphoric as I thought I would.
I'll be honest, I'm not feeling it 100%.
- So this is the look for today.
And I just styled it with these drudgey pants
because I have to get dressed and undressed a lot
because the challenge is to like
get to a good or neutral place.
I've just been staring on my arms.
Obviously when it's lifted
I feel a little bit more comfortable
because it's thinner.
But why?
Where's that coming from?
And I'm just like sitting down and analyzing it.
And it's all from my internalized fat phobia
and I'm trying my best to just be kinder to it.
- I think a lot of the work I'm going to be doing today
is going to be like trying to get over the shock value
of seeing my chest looking like this.
And telling myself that it's okay.
And it's the chest that I have right now.
And I should show it love.
- I just got home and I've had yet another revelation.
A lot of what I'm insecure about
and what you may be insecure about,
literally nobody else cares (chuckles)
in the best way.
And that doesn't make that insecurity any less valid.
But it's really nice to know
that there are different perspectives.
- We're here and we're queer
but we also have our arms out
and everyone's been really nice.
No one said anything weird.
Yeah, I'm having a good time.
- I'm going to head to
one of our favorite local coffee spots with my fiance.
- Fresh squeezed organic honey lavender lemonade.
- That part of the challenge is done,
that I was surrounded by strangers,
which I was not expecting.
I thought I originally
would like go see some family or something,
but that doesn't really feel much of a challenge.
So I think it was the best idea to come to this cast thing.
- I am honestly shocked at the fact
that I did not feel nearly as dysphoric
as I thought I would.
This outfit ended up being a really solid outfit
and I am so proud of myself
for doing that extra challenge today,
and being out in front of other people.
- Today's challenge is to take some pictures
to post on Instagram.
- The big issue is that
when I post with tops that show my arms,
I never post on the side or like showing off my arms.
But today I'm going to make my arms the main focus
for this photo.
- Today I think I'm going to take things up just a notch.
This is one of my all time favorite shirts
but it is a burnout shirt, you can see though it.
- I decided to just go for it.
We're doing a entirely pink moment.
And I feel so cute.
I don't want to get emotional
because I actually think that
I did a really great job on my makeup today.
This is the outfit that 13,14 year old
Toni would've loved to wear but felt like she couldn't.
- I am wearing these white sunglasses,
the one sleeve top, these creamy pants.
- I look so (bleep) good.
My chest looks sexy.
I've got nothing underneath here.
(techno music)
(camera click)
(techno music)
(camera click)
(techno music)
(camera click)
So I just checked out that Instagram post.
Um (mouth pop sound).
Over 150 comments and not a negative one in the bunch.
- Today's been a really fun challenge.
I think today has been my favorite day
- The photo that I selected, my arms are so prominent.
I'm looking through the comments
and every comment is just like heart, heart, heart.
You know, sometimes it's just you,
and it's an internal insecurity.
- Today I know we have a challenge
where we've got to go somewhere
that we've never been before, where I am uncomfortable.
- Personally, that is anywhere that has anything to do
with car services.
Haven't had the most pleasant experiences
in these very typically male dominated spaces.
I do know that I am due for an oil change.
I decided to style this sleeveless knit tank.
I'm gonna be going to the city.
(dog barks)
And I haven't been there in a long time
And something that really freaks me out
is just having strangers looking at me.
- Today, I'm going to be wearing this cargo vest.
I have never in my entire life owned a cargo vest.
This your outfit?
- For today we're going for like a sporty moment.
Cute little shorts to help tone it down,
but honestly, nothing is toning this down.
This is by far the brightest look I worn.
When you're wearing bright things,
there's really nowhere to hide.
- All right guys I'm here at the pop-up for Bronx Native.
I'm feeling cute.
I've met some friends that I've made online
but never met in person.
So it's been really nice.
- I am feeling like an Explorer.
And so what I was trying to think of where to go,
there was only one place that came to mind.
(metal clanging)
- I'm gonna walk around and act like
I am looking for something.
I'm just a little terrified.
- We did it.
This had to be like the best experience I think I've had.
The guy was super kind, super nice.
- I finally home.
I am not someone who is comfortable with like
just randomly doing something without planning it.
Like I have to mentally prepare myself
to do something like this.
But I even had someone compliment my outfit.
It was a really good day.
- I'm gonna leave cause I'm a little nervous,
but I did it.
I tried it.
But I'm a little concerned about safety.
I got quite a few looks.
- I think day four has been very successful.
I even washed my car.
I don't know if it's the athletic wear.
We got some stuff done today.
- It was a very informative day.
There were definitely some moments that reminded me
why me doing this challenge
was such a daunting decision for me to make.
- It is the final day.
We are meant to wear
what we have been the most nervous about wearing this week.
I got this bikini bottom,
unfortunately the top sold out super last minute,
so I'm just going to be pairing it with
a top I already have.
- Today I am wearing the ungra8tful top.
I'm obsessed with this print.
It's so pretty.
My arms are completely out.
My shoulders are out as well.
You can see little bit of side boob,
a little bit of back fat.
I'm in my all fat and glory, and I feel so pretty.
And to think that I would not wear this
because I was feeling insecure, is so sad.
- I bought this because I knew that
it was definitely going to show the most of my chest
in regards to like width.
This outfit is everything I could have ever dreamed.
- I'm like weirdly, okay with this.
A little self conscious of like how I look in a bikini,
just because I feel like growing up,
especially as a young girl,
the idea of what like a bikini body is supposed to look like
I feel like has been ingrained in us.
This is the first time I think
I've actually felt good in a bikini.
- Having such a beautiful experience yesterday,
and like feeling so free with my arms out,
made it so much more easier
for me to have my arms completely out today.
- This day was really low key.
And I think this has been my favorite outfit of all.
I love how simple yet luxurious the shirt looks
and I love how it exposes my chest so like gracefully.
- I've really enjoyed setting aside time
to intentionally put myself outside of my comfort zone
because I feel like that's something
that I don't do very often.
- I don't even know where to begin
on how illuminating this past week has been for me.
I would like to have top surgery at some point,
but I always felt like I had to hate
the chest that I have right now
to be able to validate that, which is not true.
- It feels so good to like
not feel guilt when you're looking at your body.
And I hope that everyone who sees this video
works just a little bit to care for themselves
and be kind to themselves.
(upbeat pop music)