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Several years ago, I was
at one of these classes and afterwards a man came to talk to me and
a friend had sent him a podcast to a talk
and he wanted to see if mindfulness could help him
and he was an IT executive.
So his problem was that
- that he presented, that he said, was, he said: 'I'm incredibly impatient
and harsh and critical of everybody and
it's really hard because, you know, I get feedback from
my employees and also from my wife and from my team, so
can mindfulness help with that?'
So, this is some years back, we met a couple times and
so the basic thing I said is: 'When you get triggered, pause.'
and I invited him to go through a situation that
recently where he had been triggered and, you know, when he
was feeling all the judgment and the anger, and I said: 'The first step
of waking up these two wings is you have to pause.'
And this is for all of us, that the sacred art of pausing is a lifesaver.
I've had AA sponsors say that learning the sacred pause is worth two years of meetings and
it's not an either/or thing but it's amazing, if you can just pause
you get more access to your intelligence and your heart.
So I said: 'Pause, and then find out what's going on
you know, instead of doing anything, see if you can find out
what's going on in those moments that you're feeling triggered, when you're
feeling irritable and judgmental.'
And so, when he paused, he said: 'Okay I'm
believing that things are out of control, that they're gonna go wrong and
I'm gonna fail; it's like they're doing something but it's gonna cause me to fail.'
So that was what he said.
And then I said: 'Okay and when that's going on, what's the feeling in your body?'
And he goes: 'Well it's anxiety, it's like this
clenched fist to my chest.'
So I said: 'Okay let's just do the two wings now: so you name that, okay, anxiety, anxiety,
that's the wing of mindfulness: recognizing it and naming it.
And then the wing of compassion: just say 'yes',
make space for it, let it be there.'
In other words, don't try to make it go away, don't do anything; just let it be.'
So that was his practice; that every time he got triggered,
that he could remember, he was to pause: 'okay, what's going on?' Feeling it, naming it,
and saying yes.
And he did it over and over and over again.
He'd feel that rising irritation, he'd pause, he'd breathe,
he'd name it, he'd say yes, and then sometimes he would
say something that was harsh and judgmental and sometimes he wouldn't.
But he had a little more space and, with time, more and more space
which is, by the way, a very realistic way this practice happens;
it's not like right away you unfold the two wings and, you know, the trance dissolves and you're
crystal rainbows of light and, you know, compassionate and the beloved, you know, in form;
it takes time. But it was happening and, some months later,
he described an experience that he said was what made him commit to practice
ongoingly, and
he had a meeting with a project manager, and the project manager
admitted that the team was behind schedule on a major project,
one that was really, really important to this guy,
and the project manager also admitted that he had
personally let some things fall through the cracks.
So this is exactly the setup: like he felt
irritation rising and internally he was saying: 'Okay,
angry, okay, anxious, okay, yes, yes, be with it, feel it'
and he didn't blow up. And in fact, he just got more there and then they began
to strategize on how to deal with things and, the manager was about to walk out
the room and then he came back to his desk and he said: 'I didn't
plan on saying this but I wanted to let you know:
a few weeks ago my wife was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer
and I have two teens and it's a tough time.'
And
the two men hugged
and he left the room, the project manager left the room and
the guy I was working with said that he had tears and it was
for this man but also that he might have missed that moment.
Do you know what I mean?
If he had gone through his normal chain reaction?
But learning to pause and bring these two wings to life
gave him a moment of human contact that was precious.
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