(upbeat electronic dance music)
- Hi, I'm Hilary Duff.
It takes a lot of work to look this good
when you're this pregnant.
As everyone knows pregnancy causes morning sickness,
weight gain, and of course, rampant excessive hair growth
all over your body.
After I got pregnant my hormones caused so much hair growth
that I felt like a Yeti,
or a Robin Williams.
I was embarrassed to go out of the house.
I thought I'd never have clean hairless skin again
but then I discovered Nogrowactiv System
from the makers of Proactiv.
Now you can tell I actually have two eyebrows!
I had tried everything to get rid of
my unsightly face and body hair.
But seriously, who has time to shave their back twice a day?
I tried electrolysis, plucking,
and even painful daily waxing but nothing worked.
Eventually I'd had enough,
so I called and ordered Nogrowactiv
and in just 30 days I said goodbye to all the unwanted
back hair, unattractive lady mustaches,
and unmanageable knuckle hair.
- High school was tough, thanks to a rare genetic disorder
and my Greek heritage,
I used to look like a Diane Arbus photo.
But now since I've discovered Nogrowactiv
everything's great!
- Like so many women my age I hit an old lady with my car
and had a gypsy curse placed on me
that caused hair to grow all over my body.
With Nogrowactiv no one can tell.
- Until Nogrowactiv I didn't even know I was a woman.
- Nogrowactiv is truly a miracle.
It will get rid of that excess hair,
make you feel more alive,
and make you more likely to give birth
to a baby made entirely of hair,
100 percent more likely.
Other side effects include...
Wait what the--
- [Female Voiceover] Nogrowactiv is not responsible for
the care or upbringing of any hair babies.
Hair babies may or may not be the embodiment of evil.
- [Demon Voice] All hail Hair Baby.
(Hair Baby echos)
(record static)
(happy elevator music)
- Check it out at 12 o'clock.
- He's not even breaking a sweat!
- Lift it, lift it!
- Hoist baby, hoist.
- Excuse me, do you mind moving over?
- Yeah, sorry we're trying to enjoy the view.
(child laughs)
- That's the ticket.
- Oh yeah, jackpot!
The older I get the hotter I think dads are.
- No kidding, it takes a real man to have a tea party.
- Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy? - I mean look at that,
I'd take a guy with a nurturing side over a hot guy any day.
- [Marcy] Oh my gosh, Baby Bjorn two o'clock!
- Look at the bags under his eyes!
He's probably been up with that baby all night.
- Dedicated.
- Oh my god, look at that guy.
Looks like he hasn't worked out in a year.
- Selfless!
- And he's still in his PJs!
So worried about the kids he doesn't
even care what he looks like,
Exhausted! - Exhausted!
Exhaustion is so hot.
- Sleep deprivation is so hot.
(dogs barking)
- Hey, Jellybean!
- That's cute, if we were 25. (laughing together)
- Sometimes I just go to Whole Foods
and watch dads in their element.
- Oh yeah, the diaper aisle's my go-to.
- Or sometimes I watch old home videos.
- Of your dad?
- Yeah, but like when he was younger.
(dogs barking)
- Hold the freakin' phone.
(climactic orchestral music)
(explosion)
(retching)
(dramatic sighs)
- Why do you think we're so attracted to dads?
- Maybe we like the idea of being taken care of?
- No, we can take care of ourselves.
Maybe we want kids of our own.
(loudly laughing together)
- Yeah right, kids are gross.
- They should all be eaten by goats.
(ducks quacking)
- Aww, look at the little ducklings.
- Aww, how cute!
Look how the mom is leading them!
Wait, that's not the momma duck,
that's a daddy duck.
- You mean a drake?
- That's exactly what I mean.
- He's a single parent.
(gasps) He's fathering them.
- Hold me back!
- No Marcy, no, no, no, no!
♪ Watching every motion in this feathered lover's game. ♪
♪ Haunted by the notion somewhere there's a pond in flames. ♪
♪ Take my breath away. ♪
♪ My love, take my breath away. ♪
(duck quacks)
- Your turn.
(trumpet music)
- [Male Voiceover] This is Parent News,
the news that makes sense to parents.
(air whooshing)
- Tonight on Parent News,
how to do a Netflix.
- Who's winning the game?
- Are boys really wearing scarves?
- What does MDMA stand for?
It's not what I thought it was.
All this and more on Parent News.
(dramatic news music)
Tonight's top story,
writing a check is the single most
common practice in the world.
- But there's a brand new way to write a check
without even writing it.
It's called a Bank of Americard.
- I interviewed my son about the Bank of Americard
to see if he could shed some light on this new phenomenon.
(air whooshing)
(heart rate monitor beeping)
Son, what is a Bank of Americard?
- Mom, what are you doing here?
- Well, I have a news show
this will just take a second. - Yeah I know,
I'm literally going into surgery right now.
- Davey, it's going to take a second,
what is a Bank of Americard?
- There's not really a Bank of Americard,
it's just a debit card.
- So, it's a Bank of Americard.
- No, Mom one time Bank of America ran a special
where they called it a Bank of Americard
but it's just a debit card, that's all it is.
(monitor beeping faster) - So what do you have?
- I don't know, I used Citibank.
(heart rate monitor flat lines)
- So, you have a Citibank Bank of Americard.
- Mom! I've gotta!
- He's really busy! He's a doctor!
Okay, back to Scott and me.
- (clear throat) I don't know if I trust those things.
How do they process them?
- Well, they just take your card,
and then they call the bank,
and they make a copy of it. (laughs)
It's simple.
- Sounds like a government thing.
- Well they say it's easy and that's music to my ears.
(upbeat music) - Mine too
and speaking of music,
let's check in with Steve Karem to see
what's going on with the hit star Justin Beaver
and his new pants.
(air whooshing)
- You know, I like Justin Bieber
but these are definitely not pants.
Back to you Nora and Scott.
(air whooshing)
- You know I think that little girl's got a bright future.
- Mm-hm.
- Well, that does it tonight for Parent News.
- And you can always email us. - Awesome!
- At davesmom4873_i@aol.com
or do a letter!
(trumpet music) - And join us tomorrow
when we discuss Dubstep.
Is it a dance or is it drugs?
Goodnight.
(murmuring)
- My guess is drugs.
(laidback jazz music)
(static)
(gentle piano music)
- It's been too long! - So good to see you.
- Hi, your place! - (shushing)
- Why are we whispering?
- Don't wake the baby.
(dramatic baby mobile music)
- We're sleep training.
- I opened up the good stuff from Italy.
- To reconnecting with old friends.
(air whooshing)
- No clinking, the baby.
- Can he really hear a glass clinking? (laughs quietly)
(gulps)
(chews loudly)
- I mean what happens
if he wakes up? - Shh!
(air whooshing)
- We've gotta move.
This is just like old times.
- Yeah, minus the Jäger shots.
Are you guys laughing silently?
- Just because we're sleep training
doesn't mean we're not fun.
(thump) (baby gurgles)
(dramatic baby mobile music)
So, tell me about your mom.
How is she?
(sad piano music) - Not great,
she just started her second--
She just started her second round--
- Shh.
- She just started her second round of chemotherapy.
- I'm sorry, could you dial your voice down
just one more notch.
- You guys I'm barely even speaking.
If I talk any quieter I'll just be mouthing words.
I don't know what you're saying.
You know what?
Maybe it's better if I come back when the baby's awake.
- No! - Don't be crazy!
- We've been so excited for your visit.
- We told ourselves having kids wouldn't change us.
- Please.
(gentle piano music)
- You can't stop every sound from ever happening.
- Of course! - Of course!
(sneeze)
- Whoa, that was a close one.
- It's okay I'm a dad now.
- Can I use your restroom?
- Of course it's down the hall.
(creaking)
- Don't move!
(air whooshing)
- These floors are like sound landmines.
(creaking)
(dramatic baby mobile music) - No flushing!
(wheezing)
- What did you guys do to your dog?
You didn't like take out it's voice box did you?
You didn't do that because that would be crazy.
(dramatic violin)
- I'll tell you what's crazy,
the fact that we haven't gone to the garage.
- Yeah, we're taking too many chances.
Because his mother's allergic to kale.
(happy orchestral music)
(car horn beeps) (laughter)
I've got this.
(car alarm)
(muted gun shot)
What'd I miss?
- Um, I need to go.
- Already? Party pooper!
Hey, quieter footsteps,
on your tiptoes like we practiced.
- Oh shoot, I forgot my phone!
- You what! - You what!
(dramatic rock music) (clock ticking)
- No calls no texts. (sighs)
- What's wrong with you people?
- Shh! Listen, the baby. - Shh! Listen, the baby.
(dramatic orchestral music)
(thumping)
- What the hell guys?
I'm trying to sleep in here!
- Baby! - Baby!
(sings lullaby)
- This is your baby?
You guys are insane!
- You woke the baby!
(happy orchestral music)
- So it says here Madonna's reinventing herself again.
Hey, did you get that letter from the doctor yet?
- [Will] I did.
- What did it say?
- That my Dad's gay.
- I knew it, those blood tests don't lie.
(knocking)
Who's that?
- [Will] That's my landlord Pearl,
(knocking) I'm really late on my rent.
- I'm getting outta here man, she's nasty.
- Please, I need you to stay.
- This is gonna be ugly.
- Hi Pearl.
- Where's the rent?
- You don't have to raise your voice.
- You pay now!
- I can give you half.
- You pay now, bitch!
- Hey, don't talk to me like that okay?
- I'm tired of this crap.
- Look, I thought I was clear in my email
that I needed a couple weeks.
- I work too hard.
- Can I just get two more weeks?
- I want my money.
- You need to relax!
- [Pearl] You're an asshole.
- Uh-uh.
- I want my money, bitch.
- Hey, don't call me bitch.
I'm a grown man!
- [Pearl] Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.
- God you're mean. (cries)
(lauhgs)
- Don't make fun of me crying.
- You'll be evicted.
- I'm not doing so good Pearl.
- I put you on the streets.
- Pearl, I'm gonna pay ya,
I'm working three jobs right now,
working nights, I'm driving a cab.
I'm inside with my buddy right now
just going over my resume.
- I'm gonna smack you.
- Okay, you know what?
You need to relax.
- I want my money!
- Look why do you need your money so fast?
Come on!
- I need to get my drink on.
- You scare me, you're an alcoholic.
- Can I have four beers?
- Seriously, you are an alcoholic.
Yeah you're drunk, I knew it.
You're already drunk.
- I'm just buzzed.
- You know what?
You're in no condition to deal with this right now.
- I'm taking my beer.
- You know, just take your beer
and get outta here, okay?
Yeah, we'll talk tomorrow.
This isn't over.
- Come Mommy.
- Jesus!
(upbeat electronic dance music)
- That was just a taste.
(air whooshing) (creaking)