Battleships, subways, and dinosaurs! And yes, I do own a suit! This is the first episode of "Movie Night."
*theme song plays*
Hi there! Welcome to "Movie Night." My name's Jonathan Paula. Each and every Wednesday night, right here on the JPizzle YouTube channel, we are going to review movies: two new movies on DVD and/or one old classic or piece of crap.
Last week, I said we were going to review 37 Steven Seagal movies. We're going to just do one instead. As Mr. InsaneDemonSpaz put it, "It has Gary Busey in a dress!"
That's why "Under Siege" is going to be the first movie we review here on "Movie Night." Let's take a look at it.
So, here's the plot of "Under Siege": A cook, Steven Seagal, is on a battleship, about to be decommissioned, and all hell breaks loose. Some bad guys get on board the ship and try to take it over, a la "Air Force One", but with a boat.
One of the better parts of the movie, certainly, is summed up by PhotoLabGuy, and he wrote: "The only good part about 'Under Siege' was that scene where the naked lady popped out of the cake!"
I mean, I couldn't agree with you more! Except the one problem I had with this particular scene is that I think it missed something, and I think that "something" was testosterone, in the form of Steven Seagal.
We have another comment here, from 444TurboDiesel, who wrote: "Seagal is gay! A real man would've dropped the gun and mounted that bitch!"
And AuntDee2008 writes: "'Under Siege'? That was quite a good movie. It had action plots and guns, but I didn't know he was in 'Ice Age 3.'"
But come on! The cook?! The cook is not going to save the day! When Steven Seagal climbs himself out of the meat locker and starts killing people with knives, you're thinking to yourself, "Alright, alright, maybe. He's a cook- go make some muffins!"
Steven Seagal never faces any opposition. There's no one who ever really challenges his bad-ass authority for the entire film, with the exception of his acting ability, which is challenged in almost every scene.
That being said, I think it's time that we rate "Under Siege." Let's bring on in the Rate-o-Matic, over here to my left! It's going to rate all of the movies we have here on "Movie Night with Jonny Paula." It's a simple 1-10 scale.
I think we can agree it seems like a good system, so let's go ahead and rate "Under Siege."
And about what I thought. I'm giving "Under Siege" a "6." Steven Seagal- I don't think I could live with myself if I gave him anything higher than that, so we're giving him a "good" ranking.
Okay, that does it for "Under Siege." Let's take a look at our next movie, "The Taking of Pelham 123", the 2009 movie by Tony Scott released earlier this year, starring Denzel Washington and my boy, John Travolta, the Scientologist wacko.
As you can see, "The Taking of Pelham 123" is a very stylized motion picture. The plot of the movie is rather simple: Some guys hijack a subway train in New York, hold it for ransom, and then, try and get away with the money at the end of the film.
In terms of acting, I thought Denzel Washington and John Travolta did a really great job in this movie, John Travolta especially, playing the whack-nutjob of a hijacker.
That being said, I thought all of the people in this movie, including the supporting cast did a great job. James Gandolfini as the mayor of New York- brilliant casting choice there!
Vuldan931 wrote: "Oh, my God! Yes, 'Pelham'! I live in New York, and I love this movie!" 21FireBomb wrote: "'The Taking of Pelham 123 sucked!" TWagger128 wrote: "My brother works for the MTA, and that's how I know what could really happen and what can't."
XXAXX360 wrote: "I liked 'Pelham.' I thought it was a good hostage movie, with good dialogue, like 'You're my goddamn hero, man!'"
I really liked this movie. It was suspenseful. I could have done without the random car crashes, and I thought the back half of the movie really slowed down the action a bit, and in this kind of movie, you cannot have a slumpy 3rd act. You can't do that!
So, let's go ahead and rate "The Taking of Pelham 123." Let's face it- the movie takes place on a train. Trains are boring! Which is why the "Taking of Pelham" is going to get "7", which is a "cool" movie. I really liked it, and I hope you did, too.
Now on to the next movie, the family comedy from earlier this year, just released on DVD, "Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs", starring Ray Romano, Dennis Leary, John Leguizamo, and Queen Latifah.
As the saying goes, "With great power comes great responsibility", and 20th Century Fox, who's the distributor of this movie, had a lot of power and a lot of responsibility when releasing this movie, because, let's face it...
The other two had done really well at the box office, and on all my accounts, they could have released an absolute piece of crap with "Ice Age 3" and still hit the ball out of the park. And guess what? That's exactly what they did!
This movie was sub-par, not nearly as good as the first two, and I thought it was more of the same and a lot of extra crap just to round it out to, like, 85 minutes. And the jokes weren't even all that family friendly, and the ones that were weren't funny!
It doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm sure even kids are going, "Wait a second- dinosaurs live under the ice?! That doesn't make any sense at all!"
All the negative aside, the movie was, at a base level, entertaining. The animation was really solid. I thought it was nice to see the characters back again. Let's look at some viewer comments.
SNNQQ wrote: "I've seen 'Ice Age 3', and to my point of view, it is a good family film, and it is funny."
BritMellow wrote: "'Ice Age 3' is the monetary raping of the corpse of the 'Ice Age' series. Just enough to get a bit more money, regardless of how hard it fails, which is epic!"
So, I think it's time we put all of our opinions together and rate "Ice Age 3." Let's go ahead and bring in the ol' Rate-o-Matic to my left.
It's about right! I would say it's a "4." It's a "meh." So, that's my rating. I'm giving it a 4/10, the lowest rating in the history of "Movie Night"!
Alright, let's go ahead and take a look at next week's films.
Looking forward to hanging out with you in the next episode. Thank you for joining me on the very first episode of "Movie Night with Jonny Paula." I am Jonathan Paula.
Let me know what you thought of the premiere episode, and let me know what you thought of the three movies we rated today, and especially what you think about the three movies coming up next week.
We'll talk about it together. That does it for me. Thank you for watching, and have a good night.
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