Welcome back to the show.
With Thanksgiving and impeachment just
around the corner, maybe we should
spend some quality time with our impending first family.
It's time to meet the Pences.
An American household bursting with life.
It starts at conception according to Mike.
An American marriage, but not one that's gay.
A man and a woman, that's the only way.
They're just your average lovers,
just a husband and his mother.
They belong to each other, and to Trump.
Mike Pence was born in 1959 in a small town in Indiana.
State motto: We're not the South, so why are we like this?
Pence was born as he would live, round-faced
and unsettlingly ambitious.
60-some people, including the editor
of the newspaper in his hometown,
who said to me, "Mike Pence popped out of his mother's
womb wanting to be president."
He also undoubtedly popped out of the womb furious
that his mother had had sex.
Pence was raised a Democrat, but as a young man
he couldn't help thinking he was in some way... different.
When I was a teenager, I was active in Democrat politics.
And then I started hearing the voice of that former California
governor, who articulated an agenda of principles of less
government, less taxes, traditional values,
and a strong military.
And I was drawn to the Republican Party.
Yes, he initially assumed he was a Democrat,
but then he met a guy who stirred something that
had always been inside him.
And when he realized he was drawn
to Republicans rather than Democrats,
he came out proudly.
He was born this way, goddammit it!
The other person who changed his life is his wife, Karen.
Just 9 months after meeting her,
Mike proposed by hiding a ring box in a hollowed-out loaf of bread.
Karen accepted his proposal by handing him a gold cross
with the word "yes" that she had specifically
made for the occasion.
Which also comes in handy whenever she meets a vampire
who wants to do improv.
The newly engaged couple then shellacked
the loaf, which I assume is a euphemism
for a Republican handjob.
I don't really know the lingo.
Now, normally, we wouldn't cover a political spouse
in this much detail because they're often
just innocent bystanders in their partner's careers
or even innocent body doubles.
But Mike Pence is said to consult Karen on just
about every decision he makes.
And even his supporters say she's a force
behind his political stances.
I'm sorry, what were those again?
He has tried to establish a policy in Indiana,
where Indiana would deny Syrian refugees
from entering the state.
He said AIDS funding should
be taken away from serving people with HIV and AIDS.
Because instead, it should be diverted
into government-funded programs designed
to cure people from being gay.
Federal courts have struck down
2 of Pence's key initiatives, including
a provision that mandated funerary services
for aborted fetuses.
So... fuck them both.
But like, in a wholesome, heterosexual,
for-the-purposes-of-reproduction-only way.
Apparently, he won't go out to dinner with a woman,
we've heard, unless his wife Karen is with him, too.
And he won't attend any event where booze
is served without her, either.
She preferred not to talk about reaction
to her husband's personal and strict policies
to protect their marriage.
I don't presume to tell anybody
how to run their marriage, you know,
because every marriage is different.
Yes, what two consenting adults do in their marriage
or decide other people can't do in their marriage
is nobody's business but Mike and Karen Pence's.
The Pences appear to be the perfect conservative couple.
Even Pat Robertson can barely keep from popping a boner
for how boring they are.
Losing 2 congressional races
provided him exposure on radio.
It was kind of Rush Limbaugh on decaf.
Mike Pence, what an attractive individual.
Handsome, articulate, intelligent.
I mean it's just a nice package.
Whoa.
Save it for the 700 Club after dark.
Karen Pence is the perfect political spouse.
She knows just how to handle tough questions
from the biased news media.
Is the governor a dog man or cat man?
I can't say.
You know?
I've been told never to--
never to choose anything now that we're in this office.
You have?
Wow.
I guess she's anti-choice in every single aspect of her life.
But Karen Pence did choose to become an entrepreneur.
Indiana's First Lady just started her own business
called "That's My Towel!" Charm.
Someone took my towel.
And I thought, you know they all match, so you always think--
you know, you don't know which one is yours and you don't want
to use someone else's.
And I thought, there's got to be a way to identify your towel.
I put these on my kids' towels so that I know
my son is not using my towel.
Mom, did you have to start a whole towel
charm business because I j-ed off into your towel that one time?
You know what?
To be honest, every time I use a towel, I do say,
"This is great, but I wish it were sharper."
There's just no risk of anything tearing my nipples off.
No risk, no reward.
Meanwhile, when Mike Pence wasn't busy suppressing
the rights of women and gay people,
he was diligently fighting for the issues that mattered most.
I rise today for the awesome and important duty
to pay a happy birthday wish to Garfield.
Not President Garfield, but someone probably more famous
in this day and age than that.
And if you listen closely to the way
Pence talks about Garfield, you can hear parallels that
may explain why he's so fond of his heathen master,
our president.
A large, orange, slovenly, lazy cat.
Garfield loves TV and he hates Mondays.
He'd rather pig out than work out.
In fact, his passion for food and sleep
is matched only by his aversion to diet and exercise.
Donald Trump is basically Garfield.
Just change the word "Mondays" to "Mexicans,"
and they're exactly the same.
Now I know it might seem like I'm
shaming the Pences for their godly marriage, but I'm not.
I think it's weird as all hell, but I also
think married people should be able to do
whatever weird as hell things make them happy.
And they seem really, really happy.
I just wish they'd extend the same courtesy to gay people,
trans people, women, and all of us
out there who seem as weird to them as they do to us.
He calls her "Mother."
Oh my god, they really are freaks.
We'll be right back.