-We get this question from parents all the time, how do I think up appropriate
consequences when my child won't cooperate?
I'm glad you're here because by the end of this video, you'll know exactly what to do with an
uncooperative child. We're Paul and Vicki Jenkins and we've been helping parents just like you
with this question for a couple of decades. We'll even give you three phrases that you can memorize
and use anytime you need them. -Let's start with a basic philosophy about control and maturity. -This
is really where we start with parents because. -It's the foundation. -Really what we're doing is trying to
share control with our kids as parents. How much control they get to have depends on how mature
they are. -Right and it changes throughout their lifetime and believe it or not it actually changes
day to day in many cases -Or from one circumstance to another. So, the quick overview of that model is
stage one, stage two, and stage, three, and we thought for a long time about what to name these.
But that's easy to remember. Now, it's stage one is the least mature stage. At stage one, there's no
cooperation. There's usually a lot of noise, yelling and screaming, manipulation, throwing the tantrums,
and you can see this is typical of a two-year-old but it's about stage not age, okay. So, what if
your 13-year-old is throwing the tantrums. -The big thing is that there's no cooperation
going on it's very much I need what I need and I am going to get it and I'm not worried at all
about how anyone else is dealing with things. -Tends to be quite demanding and manipulative. -And you
know it's very appropriate for a young small child, a three-month-old, a six-month-old, they're not
going to cooperate they just know what they need and they cry for it, right? But it's a very
different story as the child gets older we expect them to show more maturity and that's kind of
where some of the battles between control and maturity get in come into play. -And Vicki you
mentioned cooperation, we don't get any cooperation at stage one. So, we're going to come right back
to this stage because that's what we're talking about when children don't cooperate. But as a quick
overview of the other two stages, stage two is when we stop fighting and start cooperating.
-And sometimes that cooperation can be really really fun and outgoing and sometimes it's
a very grumpy cooperation. But if it is cooperation we know we've moved from stage one
into stage two and now you have a little bit more ability to share the control because cooperation
is in play. -Right at stage two, we don't want any trouble. We wanna keep the peace and so
we'll go along or comply with reasonable requests. Now, you can see when your kids get to stage two
we're not even having this conversation because you're like, "Oh yeah, my kids are
cooperating with their consequences. Now, stage three is the most mature of these three stages.
This is characterized by responsibility and morals and ethics and values. -And then the parent moves
into more of a stage of consultant and so there's a lot of consultation happening at this stage.
-So, keep it in your mind that this is about stage not age. However old my child is not as relevant
as what stage they're. -And I think usually the questions come when maybe a 10-year-old or a 13 or
a 17 year old is refusing to cooperate with what you have set up as the family rules or whatever
or the consequence that you've set for breaking a rule. So, that's what we're talking about. Remember,
it's all about stage and not age so it can be any age. \Remember, that stage one it's all about lack of
cooperation and so all of your consequences need to be built on something that does not require
cooperation from the child. This is something that we emphasize a lot in our parent coaching
and we often get the response well like, what? What kind of consequences don't require cooperation? So,
We've got you, okay. Consequences that don't require cooperation. You don't have to take a lot of notes
on this section. Go get the PDF we'll put this right in your inbox. Just go to the URL that's
on the screen right now drpauljenkins.com/ \consequences. Tou can remember that,
\the URLs on the screen. Go get this and we'll walk you through how you can come up with
consequences that don't require cooperation and then print that sheet out, okay. Stick it
on your fridge or something so it'll be there as a constant reminder to you. -One of the big moments
is when you realize that there are things that you do control that you provide for your child
and you need to know this so that when you are trying to set up a consequence that does not
require cooperation, especially for an older child then you want to know and be very clear about what
it is that you have control over. So, we're going to talk about a couple of those areas. -One of those
things you'll see this on the sheet that we're sending to your inbox is access. -Access to what?
-Okay, so look at the things that you control access to. You control access to space
in your home. You control access to equipment like electronics or the television
or the computer. -You also control access to things like your the car, your vehicle, or their license.
-This is particularly important for your older kids or teens because they don't own any of that stuff.
Do you remember we were watching an episode of the Cosby show years ago and the son in this
case was saying, "Well, why can't I have this? We're rich?", and do you remember the response? Dr. Huxtable
played by bill Cosby said, "what do you mean we're rich? You're poor I'm rich". -Exactly. -And it was
just an acknowledgment I think that we as the parents control access and it's okay to do that.
I have to throw in a little disclaimer though. -Okay. -Because there's five freebies. -Right.
-We teach this all the time in our coaching programs as well. You can't mess with these five things.
You are required by law and morals and ethics to provide these five things to your minor children.
Do you remember what they are Vicki? -Air. -Air, yes. -Do not deprive them of that.
-Water. -Food, nutritious food. -Now, we're up to three, shelter, which includes in our society appropriate clothing,
and then the number one thing that you provide that you don't get to ever mess with has to do
with your job as a parent love. Okay, you don't mess with that it's never contingent.
So, love, air, water, food, and shelter, those are your five freebies everything else is up for grabs.
-Okay, so get clear about what you have access to and some of that we've just talked about but be
creative think about some more. -Now, another thing that you'll see on the list is that you control
services like what? Well, you mentioned vehicles earlier Vicki but for your younger kids they're
not driving the vehicles they sure like to ride in them to go different places, right. You are
the one in charge of whether you're going to drive your car to that soccer practice or not.
Taxi services, laundry services, cook services. Alright, you provide all of these things. Now, remember,
we're not going to mess with the five freebies but that doesn't mean that you have to provide the
same level of service that you've been providing in connection with those freebies. Do you follow?
That's an important thing to cue in on and then the last thing that you'll see there on the list
has to do with goods like toys or items that they appreciate having but they can't afford because
they're poor. -You know even something like a door to a bedroom that could be a good as well.
I know that we've you've removed a door before. -In have. -In our house. -Yeah, well, and in that particular
instance we had a child who is not cooperating with our expectation that you don't slam doors
and if they're not cooperating we have to come up with consequences
that don't require cooperation and I've realized in a flash of brilliance apparently
that I control whether that door is even present on the room that we were letting that child. -You
know it can be something as simple as we've done many many times all the toys you want to keep make
sure they're picked up in five minutes and those who didn't cooperate they just lose those toys.
They go in a bag and they go away for at least sometimes they've gone away for good, sometimes
they've gone away for a certain amount of time. -So, notice the key here for all of these. We've talked
we've talked about access, services, goods. The key here is that you control it that's the most
important thing. Because if you control it then you can enforce it. -Yeah, because you don't need
their cooperation. Remember, they're not cooperating so you have to find something that you control a
hundred percent. -Now, hopefully, you found that helpful. Again, go get the download okay we'll
put that on a pdf form for you and put it right in your inbox drpauljenkins.com/consequences.
We've got you covered on this. I promised you three phrases let's get to those next.
Vicki and I put together these phrases because sometimes you just don't know what to say in the
moment. -You go blank. -And we've got you covered on that too. So, here's three that you can just
memorize and use them when it's appropriate. -And the first one is, all I need to know is are you
willing to cooperate? -That simple. This puts your child on notice that you're tracking stage, not age.
See, the dividing line between stage one and stage two is cooperation and usually you already
know whether they're going to cooperate. -But it gives them a chance to think I have seen kids
before when you ask that question they're like, "No". Well, maybe because they know that what's coming is
something they don't get to have a say in. -And they want a say trust me, they want to have more control.
So, you're putting them on notice and this also reaffirms in your mind that you've got this,
okay. You don't get to choose what stage your kids are on. You get to discern what stage your kids are
on and if they're on stage one, you just need to be ready with those consequences that don't require
cooperation. That's why we went through that list with you. Here's the second phrase, don't worry
I'll come up with something appropriate. -Now, there's two things I love about this one it
gets the child thinking. But two, it buys you time. Because I think one of the biggest problems
we have with consequences is we think here's the misbehavior, miscooperation, whatever it is and we
think we have to respond absolutely in that very moment and that's why sometimes coming up with
these ideas of things is so hard. So, memorize that phrase give yourself a few minutes. You know you're
going to come up with something and you will not there is nothing that says you have to react
at that very moment. -And you don't have to know ahead of time what consequences you're gonna use
for any particular misbehavior. -And don't fall for that, it's not fair if you didn't tell me ahead of time.
Yeah, it is because the rule was to cooperate. -Oh, I've had kids tell me that,
you didn't tell me this was gonna happen and I'm like you're on to me. You got it. Yeah,
all they need to decide is what stage they're on okay and if they're on stage one they're not
cooperating with you and so we're taking them out of the loop. what are you gonna do about it
and that's when you can use this phrase, don't worry, I'll come up with something appropriate.
You're buying time. You're getting them to think. Remember to keep a calm voice, calm face, calm body,
that's powerful phrase. -The third phrase for you to memorize and practice saying so it can come out is,
let me know if you change your mind and I really like this. Now, for two reasons,
it helps the child know that oh, maybe I do still have some choice here. But the other thing is I
think we need to be really aware as parents that we need humility because I mean how often do
we get into this fight where we're gonna we just want our way boy they said that and now I have to
follow-through. I have to you know kind of continue the fight. Be willing that if they are willing to
step back and say, you know, what I'm going to step into stage two and I'm going to cooperate with you.
Be willing. be humble enough to let them. -Well, that's less work for you too.
So, welcome that. I love the way that you put that Vicki because if we dig in our heels and we're
like nope, we're playing hardball now. -Well, and we've talked before we've said before that
every interaction you have with your child you are inviting them to either think or fight and
so this invites them to think rather than keep fighting with you and what do they have a choice
about. See, if they refuse to cooperate then you're going to come up with consequences that don't
require cooperation. Hopefully, you have some ideas about that now but they always get to choose what
stage they're on right and when they're ready to move to stage two go with them. That's easier for
you too and it makes everything more peaceful and pleasant in your home. -You know one caveat
here just realize that we're not saying that if a child chooses of their own will to go from stage
one to two that you're dropping your consequences. It's just you're changing your consequence. You no
longer have to come up with a consequence that does not require cooperation. You come up with a
consequence that requires cooperation. -And this is self-reinforcing because what do kids want
they want control. -And really what we're trying to do is teach them that things go better for
them when they take control of their emotions and actions and take responsibility for them. -That way
they have some say in what's going to happen because they're cooperating. -Right. -So, I'll just
reinforce what you said there Vicki. We're not dropping the consequences. We're simply shifting
from stage one, to stage two. That's the part they get to change their mind about. So, real quick recap
of those three phrases. The first one, all I need to know is will you cooperate with me? -The second is,
don't worry I'll come up with something. -And the third one, let me know if you change your mind.
You should have some ideas now about how to come up with those appropriate consequences remember
to get your download drpauljenkins.com/ consequences. We've got your back on this.