- I was a loser in high school.
It was my fault though.
Like I realized that it's my fault.
I went to three different high schools, okay?
The first high school I went to,
I was like, "Wow, everybody here is a fucking asshole."
(audience laughs)
And then I got to another high school
and I was like, "Wow, lightning strikes twice.
(audience laughs)
Everybody here's a fucking asshole too."
And then I got to the third high school
and I was like, "Oh, it's me."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "It was me the whole time."
I looked down, I had a rolling school bag.
I was like, "Perhaps that had something to do with this."
(audience laughing) (upbeat music)
- My mom retired, man, 35 years as a public school teacher.
Shout out to any teachers out there,
you know, do yo thang. (audience cheering)
Public school teachers, word, shout out to you.
Yeah, man.
Oh!
I learned so much when she retired,
'cause it's so different
from when somebody in the NBA retires.
When they retire, their jersey in the rafters,
say, "I had a good time.
Thank you for the career.
Good night."
(audience laughs)
But when the teacher retires,
they're just like, "I'm done.
(audience laughs)
That's it."
(audience laughs)
"Do you want a party?"
"No!
(audience laughs)
This never happened."
(audience laughs)
(beep) those kids.
(audience laughs)
I'm ghost."
Oh, so jaded.
(Nore chuckles)
But I get why they're jaded.
I get it.
But like, I feel like teachers are celebrities,
but we don't treat them as such.
- [Audience Member] Thank you.
- They are, you're welcome.
They are. (audience cheers)
We don't treat 'em as such. (audience applauding)
Celebrities!
They molded our lives.
That's why we sit in these seats today, man.
We know our first grade teacher.
We remember our kindergarten teacher.
We remember them.
You know how they celebrities?
You remember you was little,
you see your teacher out in public, you freak out?
(audience laughs)
You like, "Mr. Berlin, what you doing out here
with shorts on?
(audience laughs)
Why you got your ankles out?
What the (beep) you doing?"
(audience laughs)
"Oh, I'm just going to the beach."
"No, you live in school!
(audience laughs)
I ain't never seen you outside.
What you doing outside?"
(audience laughs)
(Nore chuckles)
Never thought they had they own life.
When I was little, man,
I thought my teacher at the end of the day
just go back into the cubby and recharge.
(audience laughs)
(audience applauds)
"All right, it's 8:30, how you doing class?"
"Oh, I knew he was back there!
He never leaves!"
(Nore chuckles)
They're celebrities, but we don't treat 'em as such.
That's my mom, she's a local celebrity.
I'll take her out to the movies,
and every time she'll run into some grown ass man
that she taught in second grade,
and he can't contain himself.
"Yo, Ms. Davis!
You remember me?
(audience laughs)
You remember me?
(audience laughs)
That's my second grade teacher.
You remember me?"
(audience laughs)
(Nore chuckles)
And my mother acts like a celebrity
that doesn't wanna be bothered.
"Hello, Tre.
(audience laughs)
Ugh, how are you, Tre?
(audience laughs)
That boy can't read for shit.
(audience laughs)
Hey, baby."
- I'm a teacher.
That's my day job, I teach.
I teach intro to writing at USC.
I hope that nobody here is affiliated with USC.
If you are, keep everything I say a secret.
(audience laughs)
I had one of the star football players in my class.
I told the class they could write a story about anything.
He wrote a story about wanting to (beep) his teacher.
(audience laughs)
Honestly, very nice.
(audience laughs)
My name's Amy Silverberg.
In that story, the teacher's name was Jamie Goldstein.
(audience laughs)
Very close.
In that story,
he said that he wanted to have sex with the teacher
on the handlebar of his bicycle,
(audience laughs)
and that afterwards she would like it very much
and feel fulfilled.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "You took the teacher's pleasure into account?
B+, baby."
Right? (audience laughs)
Not everybody does.
You have to reward them when they do.
I look young, so the female students
always email me really familiarly,
in like lowercase letters.
(audience laughs)
One of my students emailed me.
She goes, "Dear Amy,
I won't be coming to class today.
I took the morning after pill and I don't feel well.
Dot, dot, dot,
you know how it is."
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Why do I know?"
Of course I know how it is.
I was like, "Stay home."
I use the NuvaRing.
It's very confusing.
Comes out on the dick half the time like a hula hoop.
(audience laughs)
We're still figuring it out, you know?
- Went to school in Tennessee, which was fun.
I went to a community college for an entire year
and I do not have one credit.
(audience laughs)
It didn't like, none of it counted.
The reason is 'cause I had to take remedial classes.
So, which remedial basically means they're like,
"Look, we have no idea how your high school let you leave
(audience laughs)
and we are shocked and we're actually gonna look into it.
(audience laughs)
But until then, here's your classes you're gonna take."
Here's what I took.
I took math, like the book said "Math."
(audience laughs)
Like that's what...
(audience applauds)
How crazy is that?
They stopped calling it math after like sixth grade.
(audience laughs)
I had to take reading.
I took reading.
I drove to that class.
I drove to a reading class.
I'm not even an immigrant. I am from here.
I should've knocked that out years ago.
And with reading,
I think they were just impressed
when you made it to the class.
They were like, "Look who made it today, buddy!"
You were like,
"These funny guys.
You guys are good.
The best."
It always, like it shot down my dream,
'cause I wanted to play college basketball, and
(audience laughs)
that didn't work out.
It didn't work out,
'cause I got cut every year
from my high school basketball team,
so I had to play for my church, because, yeah,
the church cannot cut you.
They have to let you play, which is nice.
(audience laughs)
That's a good, you know.
That would be...
I guess they could cut you.
You'd be pretty bad if they're like,
"Look, we think you're good,
but Jesus does not think you're that good.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, he is our captain, so."
(audience applauds)
And church ball was a lot different too,
'cause we played, it was a half court,
no three point line.
We played on carpet.
That's your first sign
(audience laughs)
it's not gonna count.
And they didn't give us a basketball.
We didn't have a ball.
(audience laughs)
Like, we would just stand out there and play on honesty.
(audience laughs)
So you'd be like, "I just made."
It was like, "Oh, that's a good shot.
You're really good."
(audience laughs)
"I stole it."
"I forgive you for stealing it."
It was moral points.
(audience laughs)
It counts later.
(audience laughs)
- I worked with kids.
My favorite kids were the ones
who were always getting in trouble,
the ones who broke the rules.
I thought they were cool as hell.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Fight the power."
Ultimately I was the power, but I still,
(audience laughs)
you know, I love those kids.
And I had this one kid,
he was constantly breaking the rules
right in front of my face.
He had no respect for me.
I would die for him.
(audience laughs)
I was like, "That is correct.
(audience laughs)
Do not respect these people in charge."
(audience laughs)
But one day there was another teacher in the room
and they were like shadowing me,
and he was on his phone for a long time,
so I had to like, you know, kind of be the boss.
And so, I went up to him and I was like,
"Hey man,
(audience laughs)
you know that I don't even care about shit like this,
(audience laughs)
but you know, why don't you put that phone away for me,
all right?"
(audience laughs)
And he said back to me in a completely quiet classroom,
probably the loudest I've ever heard anybody say anything,
(audience laughs)
"Fuck you,
(audience laughs)
Rosie O'Donnell."
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
I said, "That's an interesting point.
Let's go to the hallway."
(audience laughs)
So I was like, "Okay,
now I gotta go out there and like step to him as a man."
This is a 12 year old.
(audience laughs)
I have to like come to him man to man.
And I went out there and I got on this level and I said,
"First of all,
that's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.
(audience laughs) (audience applauds)
Yeah, you nailed it.
(audience laughs)
Fat, white, gay.
Either one of us at any moment
if we so chose could win an Oscar.
(audience laughs) You killed it
when you said that
and I'm proud of you."
But then I had to tell him something really devastating.
I didn't wanna tell him this.
This broke my heart.
But I had to look this kid in the eyes and tell him,
"You're gay."
(audience laughs)
Look, the facts are the facts.
You're a 12 year old boy who knows who Rosie O'Donnell is.
(audience laughs) (audience cheers)
- I'm excited, I got a...
I'm a teacher.
I love my job teaching.
Yeah. (audience cheers)
Wait.
But let me tell you where first.
Let tell you where.
I teach inmates at the local jails in California.
(audience cheers)
Yeah, yeah.
I'm a life skills coach.
So, as a life skills coach who teaches inmates,
I teach substance/alcohol abuse, domestic violence,
parenting, anger management,
everything that they need to start rehabilitation now.
(audience cheers)
You know, so they can go back in to the world
and at least, you know,
we'll try to help them be successful.
But it's hard working in the jail
with a bunch of male inmates,
you know, because I'm cute,
(audience laughs)
and every day is like a weird adventure almost
because the inmates, you know, when you cute,
they don't care.
They say what they wanna say to you.
Now, I'll wear something very similar to this at work.
I call it a butt curtain.
And what it does is it hides my booty
from everybody who's trying to look,
especially the students.
So, one day I'm sitting at my desk at work,
and I'm grading some papers,
and my class had already left,
and I took this off 'cause I'm in my classroom by myself.
This guy walks in, inmate from nowhere,
opens up my classroom door, walks in and goes,
"Knock, knock, knock."
(audience laughs)
I said, "Did you just say knock, knock, knock?"
(audience laughs)
He goes, "I sure did.
Knock, knock, knock."
I didn't know what to say.
I was like, "Who's there?"
(audience laughs)
He goes, "Jamal Wescott."
I said, "Jamal Wescott who?"
And he goes, "Jamal Wescott who roamed all the way over here
for 15 minutes from tower one
just to see what Miss C looked like,
'cause everybody keep talking about how fine she is,
how cute she is, how smart she is, how funny she is.
And I had to come all the way over here and see for myself."
Now, what they have in the classroom is a panic button.
My hand was touching that fuckin' button.
(audience laughs)
I was so close.
So, I stood up and I said, "Hey, listen, you know,
you can go to the hole for roaming over here."
He was like, "I'll go to the hole for you, Miss C.
What you need?
(audience laughs)
What you want?"
So I said, "Rather than kick you out my class
and press this button and have them come get you out,
I'll try to help you."
I said, "What classes do you need?"
He said, "Shit, whatever class you teaching
is the one that I need."
(audience laughs)
So I'm standing up at this point and he just starts staring.
I got no butt curtain on.
I'm naked right now apparently.
(audience laughs)
I kid you not, he goes, "Oh, yeah.
They ain't even tell me you had all that.
Damn.
(audience laughs)
You know what, Miss C?
I don't even wanna be disrespectfulness to you
or nothing like that, so I don't wanna be disrespectfulness,
so I'm gonna go ahead and just leave,
'cause I wasn't even prepared for that right there.
Dang. (audience laughs)
I'ma get outta here, Miss C,
but I'ma be back though."
So he leaves, and when he goes out the classroom,
all I hear is him yell in the hallway,
"Why ain't nobody tell me Miss C,
she was packing like that?"
Then I hear a deputy go, "You ain't asked me.
I'd have been told you if you'd have asked me.
(audience laughs)
Why you think I work this floor?
I don't give a shit about y'all.
I'm here for Miss C."
- A couple months ago I got really into "Harry Potter."
Have you-
(audience cheers) Oh, it's really good.
(audience laughs)
The books, I'm not done with them, no spoilers.
I'm on book six.
But like, I resisted for years 'cause I was like,
"If that many people like it, how good could it be?"
Pretty (silence) good.
(audience laughs)
It's pretty (silence) good.
And not just from a magic thing.
Like from a vicarious standpoint, you know,
'cause it's this kid, he transfers,
and then his life is completely different.
And like, I transferred in high school and it was awful.
(audience laughs)
It was.
Like, people like disliked me just 'cause I was new.
Like on Valentine's day, these (silence) sent a girl
a bouquet with my name on them,
and then a bird (silence) on my head
and I hid in the library all day.
(audience laughs)
That is a true story.
(audience laughs)
None of that is lies.
(audience laughs)
But how awesome would it have been if I transferred
and everybody was like, "You're Kumail Nanjiani?
(audience laughs)
You're the most famous boy in the world!
(audience laughs)
You are now the Seeker on the Quidditch team."
(audience laughs)
To play Quidditch.
But here's my only thing with "Harry Potter."
Here's my only issue with it.
So, they go to the school and they take classes
like Defense Against the Dark Arts,
and Potions, and Divination.
But they should be taking like math also, right?
(audience laughs)
Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts?
Or history, or geography.
They're getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures.
Never heard of the Holocaust.
(audience laughs)
It's important information I think.
(audience laughs)
And I don't think they're getting to it in History of Magic.
I don't think they're like,
"If you think Voldemort is evil,
this (silence) guy.
(audience laughs)
And he didn't even have the Killing Curse,
he had to (beep) do it.
He used engineering."
"Engineering?
Is that one of the Unforgivable Curses?"
"No, it's just a practical application of physics."
"Physics?
Is that one of the Unforgivable-"
"Yes, it is."
(audience laughs)
- This is a fun job we get to do, man.
It really is.
I used to be a high school teacher.
(audience cheers)
Man, don't clap, I quit in the middle of the year.
I didn't give a shit (audience cheers)
about those kids.
I quit on a Wednesday.
I didn't give a fuck.
(audience laughs)
I quit at fourth period.
I was done.
(audience laughs)
Kids were like, "Mr. Kerman,
what's our homework for tomorrow?"
I was like, "I don't know, man.
That sounds like a tomorrow lady question.
(audience laughs)
I ain't gonna be here, I'm not invested."
Teaching's tough, man.
Are there teachers here?
Some of y'all work in education?
(audience cheers)
It's beautiful.
It's just a hard job.
I never been called "mister" and "bitch" more in my life.
(audience laughs)
Like, "Mister, why you a bitch?
(audience laughs)
No, I'm saying like, why is that your personality?
You got some bitch ass handwriting, Mister,
you must write with a feather.
(audience laughs)
You write with a quill, Mister?"
(Langston laughs)
One time I had a kid called me Mr. Bitch.
(audience laughs)
And that hurt more somehow.
Here's why Mr. Bitch hurts more,
and I thought a lot...
I think about it almost every day.
(audience laughs)
Mr. Bitch hurts more because Mr. Bitch
makes it seem like I earned the title.
(audience laughs)
You know what I mean?
Like I worked my way up.
Like while the rest of you were lollygagging
and playing around, I was focused
on being the best bitch I can be.
(audience laughs)
It's just a hard job, man, teaching.
I had to pretend like drugs aren't cool.
(audience laughs)
Just talking like, "Kids, don't do drugs.
Why would you do drugs?
Nothing good...
Listen, you'll just end up having sex with
the prettiest girl in school.
(audience laughs)
What, do you wanna get your dick sucked at prom?
(audience laughs)
Disgusting!
Hey, you know what's better than dick sucking?
You know what's better than that?
Subject-verb agreement.
(audience laughs)
Huh? Grammar rules!
You gotta finger bang your brain.
(audience laughs)
Let's get wet up here where it counts."
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)