How's it hangin', my holiday heartthrobs?
They said it couldn't be done! They said it's Tier 4, you're not allowed.
But look at that! I'm in your house. We bubblin' this!
So won't you crack out an appropriate festive snack and join ya boi for a seasonal celebration of
the uh, Earthrise Quintessons?
Look, sometimes a special holiday episode is just the one you could get finished in time.
Now, for a toyline with a name like Earthrise,
I was fully expecting the whole thing to be grounded in, y'know, Earth stuff. Normal items.
But parallel to the Trailbreakers and the Wheeljacks,
there's also been a copious contingent of the really bizarre Season 3 space fantasy scene!
And boy, does that juxtaposition really blast a floodlight on just how out-there things got for a minute.
I mean, so much of the '86-and-beyond bunch absolutely popped on the screen
but it took like, 20-something years for toy technology to catch up with that level of high-concept deep-space drama.
And that's before we even get to the Quintessons, the multi-headed cephalopod Cthulhu dreidels
who were so utterly beyond the kind of contemporary craftsmanship that gave us... Blurr...
so you can kinda see why you can't say Floro Dery without "oh dear".
So now they've finally made planetfall, what do you say we go judgemental for the Earthrise Quintessons!
Yes indeed, this pair of courtroom clowns are the first-ish releases of the Quintesson Judge and their Allicon vanguard
just 34 short years after they rolled up and derailed an entire generation's understanding of the concepts of "guilty or innocent".
What chance did we have, man? I was a baby! That was the first time I'd heard those words, and you switched them!?
What d'you mean, "sterner stuff" isn't a real substance!?
No wonder I turned out so weird.
But anyway, Allicon Hannigan and Quintessa Thompson here bust in like a whole-ass vibe
with their own dedicated faction symbol and vaguely matching colour palette -
greens, greys, y'know.
And I reckon we'll kick off with the subline staple weirdly way-too-good army builder!
So yes, all rise for Allicon, the Quintesson court's infinitely copy-pastable lizard-brain bouncers
present here in plastic for the first time of all time!
I mean, there was that Impossible Toys one, but I ain't touchin' that. I remember those tetrajets! That is NOT a trusted supplier.
So, what's the crocodeal?
Little Alliballs here is just a straight pile of reptile, droppin' mad Gamorrean energy like a scaly-ass fish ork!
He's just pure lump and rump and extremely stodgy. He's a friggin' Stodge Viper over here.
Like, that body's basically a curved cascade of chaos army concrete
with like, boss man braces and the fakeout pink nose
and a whole cloak of cantankerous kibble driftin' down his back like Satan's weave.
Head's kinda weirdly distinctive for an anonymous army-builder bro
lookin' like an implied pale-skinned slime species nestled behind the sharkfin shawl and the shiny Shredder mask
with almost creepily deep ruby-red eyes like freshly-popped blisters
and I love that it sits kinda low, sort of among the shoulder, snuggled in the hate!
Legs are some proper primal pantaloons, just scaly and barbed and two-toed
with some refreshingly roboty mechanical rotator knees with like, punk point patellas.
And the arms are just absolute weapons, looking oddly like knitted half-length sweater sleeves
topped with skeletal phantom limbs and these smirkingly spiked armour arches!
Anyway, love the friggin' home-grown DIY weapons on the go
like this cheeky bare-bones Beskar spear and a ragged knife made out of his own ass
like a friggin' cloaca cutlass.
It just perfectly polishes him off as a rough-hewn robot ragamuffin!
He's like if the word "no" stood up.
Transformation's all right, for what it is!
Like, he doesn't exactly do the sudden f***-you monster face eruption
but I feel like that could have landed a little too one-step changer
so he throws in a few extra twirls and that and turns it out!
And I mean, the alt mode's such a ramp-up!
It's just wild out here with the super long scaly back and the friggin' ginormous monster gator psycho snout!
He is GOING to eat you. You are GETTING chomped.
So good, man. Like, he's still very much the same guy - legs are still there, shoulders,
arms are barely concealed. Not even - they're just NOT concealed,
pullin' the straight reverse Duffman, but it's chill! It's definitely kinda played for giggles.
Like, there's no way these silly little baby bone hands ain't funny!
I'm just, I'm into it! It's good.
Man, what a surprise! Allicon is undoubtedly an absolute Earthrise sleeper hit
standin' like a savage at the gate, made of protein milkshake, high carb intake
with sawblades for skin and barbed wire for blood!
Allicon for Christmas is you!
Is that anything?
Now then, if the court will allow me a brief recess,
you may have seen the Quintesquad available as a unit in a premium Pit Of Judgement package that I couldn't get.
Pff! Who even needs it though?
Who needs a cardboard toilet diorama with like a dumbass key fob of that Giger-rip penis-head noodle-arm guy
and... like a Haribo Kranix?
Who needs an objectively incorrect bailiff and ANOTHER Sharkitcon?
Not me...
But it does make this a fine time to dip back to 2016 and grab a swift squint at Titans Return Sharkticon Gnaw
who's actually been arond on the channel a fair bit - we did that G1 review, he popped out of a couple of boxes,
we love a bit of
but we never did give him one of these, did we?
There ya go, mate.
So this hungry little hump is the definitive modern Sharkticon, which is in almost no way a shark.
Just a kind of amphibious teeth beast, like a sorta chibi catfish pug.
D'you know what I mean? How is this not a Pokemon?
It's literally just a mouth with a butt.
Aren't we all?
But anyway, little Gnawkwafina ihere is just an enduringly endearing little munch mound
with a bite radius that's bigger than he is, this darlingly droopy little tail flail
and like, hands on his feet on his hands?
Face is just piped up like a pair of lime green pea lanterns
and you can kinda pull of a sort of battle damage demolition derby face bifurcation
and I mean, the robot mode's a bit of an afterthought, innit,
comin' off sort of weirdly imbalanced and incomplete? Like you get to the shoulder and he just stops.
Legs are just pure kibble storage, ain't they, and those have gotta be some of the loosest hips around!
Were they always this wibbly? What happened!?
Still, I'll allow it! He's a cute enough half of a Creme Egg with a pleasant Buddha belly and a chaotic problem shorty vibe!
What is it with these friggin' fish aliens and their heavyset dom energy?
Gotta say I'm really not feeling the colours!
Like, I know that it's based on the original toy, so it's correct, NERDS,
but bitch, pastels?
Please just give me one Sharkticon in that sicko screen style!
We love a goth serve.
But that's basically him, right? Just a harmless, unassuming, un-Gnaw-suming, perfect little kinglet and he must be protected!
We know this. Buy a hundred.
All right! Let's wrap up deliberation and deliver the final verdict on this Voyager-class many-headed mess!
Golly, an alien judge.
Order in the court! This is the Earthrise Quintesson Judge, looking
...like that.
You ever actually think about what this creature is?
This is some truly top-shelf sci-fi psychedelia shit!
Friggin' Psychedelia Smith over here.
Who ARE they? Why!? Why does this exist?
Just real 4AM high-off-your-ass ideas.
Mate, y'know that... legal professional, like, three...
three, three-five, five guys in a... space egg...
with uhh, long fingers, looong fingers, no legs...
no legs, just... electricity...
-- Fat shark army!
So how do you make THAT into like, a good figure for general audiences?
Well!
You don't!
Now this robot mode, if you can call it that, is uh,
Dude.
I mean, clearly the main thing is the five faces of dumbness -
you got like, Timothy Spall,
just Satan,
uh, Tilda Swinton,
Bo' Rai Cho,
and one of those shite heavy metal T-shirts.
Some of 'em have got flappy gob action, some of 'em ain't, that's all right.
I feel like the skull one at least would have benefitted from a shaded inner mouth like on the box?
Ugh, this friggin' thing, man. It's barely a Transformer! Honestly.
And there's this little switch round the back that makes 'em do the friggin' cranium carousel thing,
like "hahaha, hohoho", y'know.
And that's it! That's all it does. And that's all you want it to do. Don't even start.
What, you want articulation? They've got pliable rubber tentacles! Sort yourself out, yeah?
But, ah God, I dunno. I guess it's solid enough.
Like, they can freestyle it on this little see-through splash zap stand or they've got a little bench? Like a straight-up park bench!
Deep armchair luxury.
And look at this little gun! I love that THIS thing, this friggin' compact space hydra still just uses a normal gun
just like, bonked on the side of his tentacular non-hand. Pew pew! Absolute scenes.
So I guess for a long-overdue first crack at the weirdest wackshow wazzock to ever exist,
I mean, it ain't bad, man. And as a gang, they definitely make a fun little freakshow threesome!
God, they're not called "Quintessons" 'cos they hang out with sharks, are they?
God, I hope so.
What the f*** am I doing with my life?
[weirdly genuine laughter]
God, that transformation is so half-baked, man.
Tentacles don't go anywhere, partsforming to the point of disassembly, balancing bits on bits,
and ugh, what is it? That is not a mode! That is not anything!
So what it apparently is, is like a little prison? Like a little holding cell zone?
So thematically it works! They love some weird justice, but is it good?
[mocking/increasingly sad laughter]
So what, it's like a pillar? A bit? A thing? With like a little... area?
And like a little birdcage thing for indoor and/or outdoor incarceration banter?
And a hat?
I guess it's gotta have an alt-mode, and like they don't do that, so what would you have done?
At least it's not another shapeless spaceship.
I don't blame 'em for not trying, but... wow.
Anyway, on top of THAT mess, I'm sure you've heard the horror stories about some of these heads!
Like, these two back bonces actually come separate in the package, so they can squeeze it all in there -
that is kind of a roomy diameter.
Same.
So you kinda have to latch 'em on to these little tabs here, and it is impossible!
Swear down I spent most of an afternoon battlin' with it, futzin' with the angles, trying to wriggle it on there,
mashin' my poor thumb into the devil man's pointy features.
In the end I had to get the clippers out and botch it with blind, ugly violence, and now that's all I can think about with this bloody thing.
All that irritation and effort and it ain't even good!
I mean, I am pleased that after all this time we finally get real Quintessons,
but it's a real shame the main one is such a duffer.
But I guess, what COULD they have done with it? All it needed to do was have the heads and spin around, and it does that,
so everything else is a footnote - or rather, an electric piss fountain note.
I just wish it hadn't toploaded me with an evening's worth of annoyed memories.
There.
So as the oddly underwhelming weird clique of the Transformers scene,
this little alien trilogy definitely capture a certain super-high sci-fi astro-epic zeitgeist
and form a fun little squid-brain corner all their own.
Definitely a weird bit of crossover between the Earthrise vibe and the Studio Series pivoting to '86.
Like, that Earthrise Pit of Judgement set is the most Studio Series thing that ever Studio Series'd
but it's Earthrise? And most of the other characters from that scene are in the Studio Series?
I just don't get how this is two things.
But whatever, man! We live for it, don't we?
And y'know, can't be too long before we get Deluxe Class Angry Eyebrow Goldfish Prick,
the I Am Literally Begging you For Different Junkions box set,
and Generations Selects Jerk Who Says "Bzzt, Time Out Time Out Time Out".
What a time to be alive, right?
Right?
But look, however deeply strange or mildly mediocre, I think we can all agree - especially at this magical time of year -
that the real treasure was the friends we made
while running away from Galvatron.
God, so thank you so much for watching, my name's Thew, good will to all dorks,
and providing Britain doesn't actually sink into the North Sea, might catch you in 2021!
Peace out, baby!
Ah! Another weird one. Hope you liked it! I had fun making it, at least.
Happy holidays, everybody! We made it! Some of us made it.
Once again, thank you for watching, thank you so much for your support this year!
It's been a weird one, but on the channel at least, it's been a blinder!
So thank you so much for watching! I hope I've taken the edge off a little bit,
and massive thanks to Mr. Richard Ferguson for supporting the show! Absolute lad!
Just be careful out there, all right? I'll see you next time.
Be sure to subscribe for more Thew's Awesome Transformers Reviews.
Limited appeal, keeping it real.