How about another top 10 list today Live on Purpose TV. How to be a better
co-parent? As a professional psychologist earlier in my career. I worked a lot with
child custody issues with blended families. Families who have experienced a
divorce or have set up a multiple household kind of a family. Co-parenting
is the term that we use to describe the parenting approach when there are
multiple households involved. So as opposed to parenting within a single
household with mom and dad both they're together.
Co-parenting usually has to do with an ex spouse after a divorce. And that gets
really tricky. So let's talk about the top 10 ways to become a better
co-parent and number 10, the one that we will start out with today. Coming in at
number 10 on our list is "Forget about the "co", become a better parent." This
probably goes without saying. Improving your own parenting skills is probably
the best thing that you can do to establish a better co-parent
relationship with your ex and with your kids. Become a better parent. A lot of
videos and resources here on the site. The positive parenting playlist is one
that you'll want to hit for sure and Vicki and I have recently completed the
recording on the parenting power-up audio course. That is also available to
you. So enjoy those resources and become a better parent. Now coming in at number
9 is an important acknowledgement that's also based in the philosophy that
I think is going to help you with your co-parenting. Here it is. "Kids issues do
not equal parents issues". Kids issues do not equal parents issues. What I mean is
that is as we get all tied up in all kinds of
things. That we're thinking about, wondering about, worrying about. These are
not typically the same things that kids are thinking about and worrying about.
And spending their emotional capital to think through. For example kid might be
thinking, "Wait, if I have to go see dad Friday, how am I going to get to my soccer
game?" And that's all they're thinking about. Meanwhile, parents are thinking, "Oh,
we've got to have an equitable time sharing situation here. We've got to set
this up so that we have the same expectations and rules and guidelines."
Not your kids issue. Kids thinking something else. An acknowledgement of
that helps you to be a better co-parent. Don't infuse your issues into theirs.
That's what I mean by kids issues do not equal parents issues. Moving up to number
8. "Practice positivity and forgiveness". Divorce brings out the worst
in people. And this is why it's so hard to set up an effective co-parenting
relationship. If people are still hurt and traumatized and reacting to each
other with the fight-or-flight kind of a response, it's really hard to set up
something that's effective on a co-parenting front. For you personally to
practice positivity and forgiveness, creates a much better opportunity for
you to function well in a co-parenting scenario. Now, what if your ex doesn't do
that? What if your ex doesn't get it or watch this video or come along? Oh and
you can share this with them if you want to. What if they don't? You're still in a
better position if you personally go to a positive frame of mind.
We've got other videos here talking about that if you need some help. And
forgiveness. Which is not saying that everything that happened is okay.
Forgiveness is really more of letting go of your delusion that this should be
different than it is. You accept that it is what it is and what it is is pretty
good especially compared to something worse, you'll take this. Get yourself into
that space where you can be positive about the way things are right now
without changing anything. That puts you in a more powerful position as a
co-parent. Now, moving up to number 7. "Get to yes". Get to yes. Your initial
reaction to something might be more inclined toward the "no arena". What if we
changed the pattern and you lead with "yes". When your ex makes a request for
example. "Yes". Now yes might mean I'm listening, I hear you, I acknowledge your
request. It's a respectful way. Doesn't necessarily mean that you agree, okay? But
people don't use it sometimes because they're afraid that's what it means. When
you answer the phone, you can simply say "yes" as opposed to "hello". Okay, it's an
appropriate greeting as well. So when I say "get to yes", we're programming
ourselves to take a more positive approach to the requests and the
inquiries that come in and there will be some. Yes, get to yes. What if it's
something that you don't completely agree with but maybe you're open to some
negotiation? You can still lead with yes. Yes, I'd be happy to talk to you about
that. This creates a powerful synergy that works really well when we're trying
to do the co-parenting. Now let's build on that and move up to number 6. "Assume
the best". You know what I love about some of these strategies is it has nothing to
do with the other parent. This is all stuff that you can do inside of your own
mind and with your own psychology .Assume the
best. Assume for example that the other parent has your interests at heart. Now, I
know. I almost heard what you were thinking there. But they don't... Yeah, right.
Do you know for sure, what their position is? What they're thinking? No. Even if they
tell you. You still don't know. You just know what they've told you and you have
reasons to second-guess some of that stuff anyway. Since you don't know, pick a
position. I say assume the best because it changes your position.
It changes your influence. It changes your ability to show up as ineffective
co-parent. Assume the best. Assume that they love the kid. Assume that they have
good intentions. Assume that they love your child. Assume that they have all
kinds of generous and benevolent feelings as a parent. Assume that they
are going to do the right thing when push comes to shove. You assume all of
those things. It changes how you show up it may or may not change them that's
secondary. I think this puts you in position to
have the most influence with them. But the point is that it changes your own
psychology and how you're showing up in this co-parenting relationship. Number
5, "lead with gratitude". And be specific about this. This is a social gift as
described by Ann Demarais. The social gift of appreciation and gratitude where you
pick something specific and you lead with that. So you don't call them to make
a request, you first lead with gratitude. "Hey James, I sure appreciate the way that
you handled that game last week. Thank you so much." Okay, something like that.
Gratitude has this really almost magical power to soften people and it prepares
them for the conversations that are to follow. I would add do not follow your
appreciation, social gift with the word "but". Don't go
there. Let it fly. Let it land. Let it have its place, all on its own.
You don't have to say, "but, we really need to work this out." When you say "but", it's
like forget about what I just said, here's what I really mean. So let it sit
and settle in. "I appreciate the way you handled that. Thank you."
Pause. Nice. Do you feel the power of that? That's why number 4 on our list is
"stay in front of your but". Spell B-U-T. Just like I described it right now. You
stay in front of that pause. Allow that to carry its way. Let
the positive carry the day. Now, as we move up to number 3 on our list, I
want you to reconnect for just a moment with who you are. You are a benevolent,
generous, kind loving person. Don't let divorce or the dynamics in a
co-parenting situation pull you off of that particular identity and who you are.
So number 3 is "always err on the side of generosity and kindness". Now I
say err on the side of because sometimes we're not sure if this is the right
approach to take. But if you're going to make an error, err on the side of
generosity and kindness, if you will do this you'll never regret the behaviors
that you show up with. It may not always get your desired outcome but over the
long haul, you are creating a more effective co-parenting relationship by
erring on the side of generosity and kindness and besides, that's who you
really are at your core anyway. Okay, now number 2,
"keep the focus on the kids". One of the best things that you can do in a
co-parenting relationship is to get yourself out of the equation. So this is
not about me. How I feel is only secondary. Really what I'm focused on
here is the kids and their experience and how all of this impacts them. If
everyone could do this you would have an awesome co-parenting relationship. If
your ex isn't doing it, it's still best for you to do this because of how it
changes the dynamic. And that leads us to number 1 on our countdown today.
"Remember who picked out your kids other parent" in the first place. This sometimes
things a little bit. Connect with this for a minute because you chose well when
you chose that other parent. I know that stuff went south. I know that things went
sour. I know that there was a breakup and a divorce. I get it. That does not remove
the fact that you made the best decision you knew how to make at the time given
what you knew and where you were. You picked out the other parent. Remember
that. And and be kind to yourself about this. It's not that you blew it or you
chose poorly. You made a good choice and that is a gift to your children. I've
talked to kids about this who are I'm trying to help him go through some
divorce dynamics and and adjust and adapt to this multi household life that
they have now. And sometimes ask the kids, "Hey who do you think picked out your dad?"
And they're like, "what? what are you talking about?
"Oh yeah, my mom picked him out." Huh yes she did. "Did she do a good job? Yeah, yeah
she did." This is contrary to some of the popular trends out there. You know to
hate and vilify and badmouth the other parent. Just here to tell you it doesn't
work to do it that way. You want to create a good co-parenting
relationship. Remember who it was that picked out that other parent in the
first place. Give yourself a little pat on the back for the good job that you're
doing as a parent and let's see if we can do some more effective co-parenting.
Isn't it great how these principles apply not only to co-parenting but to
all kinds of parenting. You're going to get even more insights and tips from the
parenting power-up. Check it out right over there.
I saw standing in the street alone alone