Being LGBTQ with unsupportive Christian parents can be incredibly painful.
But you're not alone.
If you're trying to figure out how to be honest and still maintain a relationship with your parents,
here are 7 DOs and 7 DON'Ts from someone who's been there.
First, if you haven't already come out to them...
Well, okay, if you HAVE already come out to them— or got outed to them—and it didn't go well, that's okay.
There are lots of ways to improve things going forward. It's not the end of the world,
so don't stress out about it. But if you HAVEN'T already come out to them...
Don't come out to them in the middle of an argument.
You don't want your sexuality or gender identity to be perceived as some kind of weapon
that you're wielding, you know, out of rebellion.
That's not helpful to you.
Instead, try to create a safe, calm environment as much as you can
for you to come out. A time when you can have their undivided attention.
And DO emphasize to them that the reason you're coming out to them is
because you love them and want them to be part of your life.
"I'm telling you this because I care about you. Because I love you.
Because I want you to be in my life. I want you to know what's going on with me.
And that's why I'm telling you."
Now however they find out, if they respond badly...
DON'T get caught up with debating the Bible.
I know, it's super tempting. Because it's one of these things that parents often will bring up, right?
So they will start talking about the Bible,
and they'll quote passages and want you to respond,
and you're going to want to argue with them and then you're going to end up in a Bible debate.
And nobody wins when you start a Bible debate.
Even if you have good Bible arguments, Bible debates rarely change anybody's mind.
People tend to just dig in their heels.
If they can't respond to your argument,
they don't switch to your position; they just get angrier.
Instead, DO... tell your story.
They're starting this with these ideas about LGBTQ people,
but you're their child! They need to hear YOUR story.
They need to hear about all of the things that you've been going through all this time
that they don't know about.
Tell them the pain that you've been through. Tell them the struggles.
It's those stories that ultimately are most likely to have an impact.
Now as you work through all this stuff with your parents,
it's really easy to get impatient and want everything to happen right away, but
DON'T expect them to understand all of this stuff right away.
You've had a long time to process all of this information that you've learned
about your sexual orientation or your gender identity.
And you come from a different generation than they do.
A lot of this is going to be new stuff for them. It's going to take them time.
They're going to use the wrong words. They're going to use the wrong pronouns.
They're going to say the wrong things. They're going to not know that something they said is offensive.
They're going to ask questions that seem like stupid questions.
It's okay! Give them that time. But DO...
Use stories to address the misconceptions they have.
I find that many conservative Christians have the same 3 big misconceptions
about LGBTQ folks.
They think, first of all, that sexual orientation or gender identity is a CHOICE...
They think that it is something that could be CHANGED through prayer or therapy or faith...
And then they think that it is ultimately all about SEX...
which is really wrong when you're talking about sexual orientation,
and even more wrong if you're talking about gender identity!
Listen to what they say and listen for any misconceptions that they have.
The best way to address these misconceptions is one by one,
by sharing your story over and over, sharing with them what you've been through.
I find that Christian parents are very unlikely to change their view
on what the Bible says BEFORE they've addressed those 3 misconceptions.
So I find that, rather than having a Bible argument, talking about those misconceptions
by specifically telling your story and how it affects those things
Is one of the best ways that you can get them to a place where they're
actually ready to talk about the Bible in a helpful way.
Fourth...
DON'T take it personally when they say hurtful things.
Parents very often say things that are hurtful when their kids first come out to them.
And they usually don't realize how hurtful it is.
They're speaking out of their own fears, their own worries for their child...
And sometimes, weirdly, they are actually saying these things because they love you
and because they're afraid for your eternal soul.
Which is frustrating, if you feel like they're actually hurting you
and they think that they're trying to help you.
Don't let it get to you, as much as you can.
Instead, DO...
Ask your parents about their fears and worries.
Call this out! Ask them to talk about what's going on in their heads.
Ask them as kindly as you can, "Are you afraid for me? Are you afraid for you?"
"What are the things that are on your mind?"
If you can get them to voice those things and to know that you're going to listen to them,
you've opened the door for real, honest communication.
Fifth...
DON'T fixate on your differences and disagreements.
Those differences and disagreements matter.
They're important. But they're not ALL that matters.
DO...
Emphasize any points of AGREEMENT that you have still.
If you still share your parents' faith, tell them so!
If you share a lot of the same values and beliefs, tell them so.
Say, "Mom, Dad, I am still a Christian." "I still believe in the Bible."
"I still give my heart to Jesus."
"I still..." whatever it is that you still have in common with them.
Now, obviously, if you DON'T share some of these values and beliefs
that are important to them...
This is probably not the best time to bring that up.
You're going to have to deal with that eventually.
Those are things that are going to exacerbate the tensions.
But wherever you DO have shared values—
even if it's just, "I value being in this family. I value—"
You know, whatever!
Whatever it is that you have in common with your parents, emphasize that.
Emphasize those values and beliefs that you still share.
Emphasize them over and over and over again.
That's the starting point that you'll build on.
Now when your parents bring up religious objections—Bible passages and so forth—
DON'T belittle their faith or their approach to Scripture.
"Why do you believe this garbage?"
"This is anti-scientific" and "The Bible is 2,000 years old" and—
Da da da da da... Ridiculing or belittling what they believe
is not going to help them understand where you're coming from.
It's just going to give them one more reason to think that you're going down the wrong path.
Now I'm not saying that if you disagree with them that you
can't be honest about your disagreement.
But you want to continue to be respectful as much as you can,
that their beliefs are their beliefs.
This right now is about them understanding your experience as their LGBTQ child.
If you have religious disagreements, you can deal with those separately,
but you don't want to try to take everything on all together.
Instead, DO...
Recommend resources to them that can help them understand you as their LGBTQ child
from WITHIN their faith tradition.
You don't have to believe everything that they believe
to find resources that will speak to them where they are.
There are lots of LGBTQ Christian resources that speak to different
traditions within Christianity, different denominations...
Books, websites, videos, and also groups—
There are some great online groups for Christian parents of LGBTQ kids.
If you have trouble locating one that will speak to your parents,
feel free to shoot me a message. I'll do my best to help you out.
And finally, DON'T try to handle this all by yourself.
This is a lot. You're carrying all of your stuff and all of their stuff.
You kind of have to be like their parent for a while.
You have to be the patient one and let them work through all this stuff.
Which is difficult if you're already dealing with your own stuff.
DO... get support.
Make sure you have a support network of some kind.
Even if it's just one friend or family member.
Somebody who's on your side, who supports you, who will listen to you.
If you don't have that person in real life, there are online spaces you can go—
places on Reddit, there are places on Facebook—
And don't forget therapy. A good therapist can be a great support as well.
Get support all the places that you can.
And hey, if you're looking for resources to dig more deeply into this,
I've written a couple of books that may be relevant to you.
One is this book; it's called "Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gays-vs.-Christians Debate."
It talks a bit about my experience with my parents and all of that, growing up as a gay Christian
and working through all the Bible stuff and everything,
but it deals with all those misconceptions,
and it was written specifically for conservative Christian parents.
And this book may be helpful to you. It's called "Talking Across the Divide."
This is a book about how to talk to people you disagree with about difficult things
And it's based largely on my experience over 20 years having difficult conversations
with Christians about LGBTQ stuff.
But no matter what reaction your parents have,
or how long it takes them to make even that first baby step towards understanding,
even if they never do— and I very much hope that they do—
know that your parents' understanding of who you are as an LGBTQ person
does not determine your worth.
Don't pin your self-worth on what your parents think about LGBTQ people.
Your parents are only human. They may get this wrong.
It may take them a very long time to understand.
But none of that changes your worth or your ability to live your life today
and to make the decisions that you believe are right every day
even without their support. But I hope that you get their support.
I hope you can maintain a relationship with them.
And if there's anything that I can do to help, please let me know.
I'm Justin Lee; you can find me at GeekyJustin.com.
You can find more resources for you and your parents on my website and YouTube channel
thanks in part to patrons like Liz C, Tom C, Bruce S,
and many others who believe that God loves you exactly as you are.
You're not alone. We are here for you.