- Have y'all ever almost died at a Burger King
and found out you wasn't as real of a nigga
as you thought you were?
That's just me? All right.
I was at the counter ordering
and I was on the phone with my cousin
and I was like, all right, cuz, I'll see you later.
There happened to be a Crip standing behind me.
Cuz is their word, they don't like when you say that shit.
If you don't understand gang culture,
it's like when you say Voldemort when you not supposed to.
(audience laughing)
Glad we on the same page.
So he gets mad, he gets in my face and says,
I heard you say cuz, nigga,
you with them east side niggas?
Where you from, nigga?
I don't know how to deal with these situations
'cause I went to private school.
So I went Donald Trump on the nigga.
I said, look, I think
there's very fine people on both sides.
He didn't like that shit.
Pulls a box cutter on me in the middle of the Burger King.
I don't know if you've seen a Burger King commercial lately,
that shit not supposed to happen.
So I look at the lady at the register
like, yo, can you defend me?
I just spent money in your establishment.
And she looked me dead in my face and said,
look, boo, we make 15 an hour in this bitch.
You better man the fuck up.
I'm like, all right.
It's like, what do I do at this point?
I can't fight this nigga.
I got a vision board at home, I can't.
What the fuck do I do?
So I just start thinking.
So I look at him, I say, look brother,
if Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,
if Martin Luther, the king, could see us right now,
if he could see this right now.
What would he think?
He looked at me dead in my face,
said, nigga, I'm Puerto Rican.
I don't give a fuck about Martin Luther King.
Normalize sex work.
(audience cheering)
But normalize sex work,
but that means we also gotta normalize
the weird niggas that pay for that shit too.
Look, we gotta stop calling these niggas
weirdos and simps and pay pigs, all these awful names.
What I'm trying to say is leave us alone, okay?
Thank you.
Look, I can spend my money on
whatever the fuck I want to, all right?
I'm a grown man.
I hate that there's this whole moral stigma around sex work.
People think they're better
'cause they don't make porn for work.
I wish more people did sex work.
Like the niggas that owe me money.
He right there, I see him.
Called me before the show,
Nile, it's gonna be a minute before I get that $50 to you.
I was like, well, you better make a nut video, my nigga,
I need that shit.
Y'all seem freaky, I'll give y'all some tips on OnlyFans.
Tip one, treat that shit like the grocery store.
Your mom always taught you,
don't grocery shop while you hungry.
Don't be scrolling on OnlyFans while you horny, dog.
I was on this shit down bad a couple weeks ago,
bought the same video twice.
I was like, fuck it, I've seen reruns, let's go.
Tip two, when you put your card on OnlyFans,
I need you to understand,
it's automatically gonna report to your bank as fraud
because them niggas at Chase believe in you.
Imagine me on the phone with the Chase rep
saying like, 9.99, that's your boy, like that's.
So I'm on the phone with the Chase rep.
He's like Mr. Abston, I'm gonna get this charge cleared,
can you verbally say out loud what you paid for?
And I was like OnlyFans.
It's like, yeah, we know that,
but to get this clear, we need to know
what exactly the video was called that you paid for.
And I was like, uh, Chase, nigga, I'm in a Uber right now.
He's like, no, we need to do this,
your account's over drafted, what is it called?
I was like, all right,
the video's called pussy and pizza, nigga.
I gotta turn around when I say that punchline
'cause I can't look people in the eye when I say that shit.
So at this point, the Chase nigga is on the phone giggling.
Not laughing like y'all been doing, giggling.
Giggling is disrespectful as fuck to do to a grown man.
And that wasn't even the worst part.
My nasty ass Uber driver gonna turn around,
pussy and pizza, you fuck with Monica too? Oh shit!
(audience cheering)
Yeah, I'm glad y'all laughing at this shit.
I hate comedy.
Hate the shit, wanted to be a rapper.
Settled for this bullshit, bro.
Wanted to be a rapper.
It's one thing that stopped me
from achieving the goal of being a rap star
and that's my parents still together,
nigga, I couldn't be.
They match on Sundays, they hold hands and shit.
Fuck was I gonna rap about?
Had too much privilege to be a rapper.
So I'm so jealous of Jaden Smith.
Oh my God, that light-skinned nigga
is living my dreams, bro.
It's not fair, I hate it, it's not fair.
Like 'cause he has privilege too.
Why does he get to rap and I don't?
You the fresh prince's prince, bro.
It's not fair. Y'all know that song Icon he has?
Y'all know that song Icon?
Let's be real, slaps a little hard
for a nigga with a trust fund.
It's ridiculous how good he is.
I'm a fan, I love him, I love Jaden.
It's not fair, I get jealous,
I don't like it because think of your favorite rapper, man.
Y'all know poverty struggle makes the best rap music, right?
Think of your favorite rapper,
they done killed niggas, trap, jail for at least a weekend.
Jaden ain't never been to jail.
He ain't never gone through poverty struggle.
Closest thing to struggle that Jaden Smith
has ever endured is when he played a little nigga
in Pursuit of Happyness, that was it.
(tense music)