>>Russell Peters: [To audience member] How old are you?
[Inaudible]
>>Russell: 28
Now, let me-- confirm this, with me.
You're 28.
I'm 40.
Aren't Indian parents obsessed, with their kids go to the bathroom?
It's true.
From the age of three, when you start going by yourself, for the rest of your life--
your parents want to know, what's going on in there.
[Laughter]
I'm 40 years old.
If i go to my mom's house,
"Mom can use the bathroom?"
[Indian accent] "What do you want to do?"
[Laughter]
"Whatever I want to do, I can do it myself!"
[Laughter]
You cannot go to the bathroom around your parents-- Indian parents.They wanna know.
There's always like a-- They wanna know, before you go in. There's like the-- the pregame interview--
[Laughter]
and then there's, like, the post-show press conference, when you come out.
[Laughter]
I remember at five years old, I go to my dad,
"Dad, I gotta go to the bathroom."
He goes,
[Indian accent] "Okay, okay okay--"
"Big job, or small job?"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "What?!"
[Indian accent] "Big job, or small job?!"
[Normal voice] "I don't know, I gotta shit!"
[Low laughter]
[Indian accent] "Big job."
[Laughter]
"Go. Go nicely, go. Go nicely, go. Go."
They always tell you to "go nicely!"
What the fuck, is "go nicely?!"
[Laughter]
When have you ever been sitting there, and just, not gone nicely, you know?
You're sitting there, and, all of a sudden, you go, "Oh my God! I wanna hammer dance!"
[Laughter]
Your dad comes in,
[Panicky Indian accent] "I-- You didn't go nicely!"
[Laughter]
I come out of the bathroom, I'm five years old, my dad goes,
[Indian accent] "How was it?"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "How was what?"
[Indian accent] "You went bathroom!
"Was it healthy?"
[Normal voice] "I'm five!"
"I'm not shit expert!"
[Laughter]
[Sarcastically] "It was eight pounds, six ounces."
[Laughter]
"You're a 'grandpoo!"
[Laughter]
I have this theory. Tell me, if you agree, with this theory.
[To audience member] How old are you, there, boss?
>>Man off-screen: 42.
>>Russell: 42?
Really?
What the fuck happened?
[Laughter]
You're two years older, than me?
[Laughter]
How did our lives waver, so far apart? What happened?
[Laughter]
When did you give up? That's what I wanna know.
[Laughter]
Okay, tell me, if you agree, with this theory, alright?
[To audience member] Please don't say you're younger, than him, that'll really fucking ruin it.
[Laughter]
Here's what I-- Here's my theory, alright, tell me what you think, of this theory.
Say, we all live, until we're 80, right?
[No audio]
Let's just say, we all live, until we're 80.
I have a theory, that in your 80 years, on this planet, you will have a minimum,
of five...
really great shits.
[Laughter]
Now, let me explain.
[Laughter continues]
When I say, "great shits," I mean--
the kind that you fondly recall, later in life.
Not the kind, where you sit around, and go, "Oh my God, remember the time, I blew up the bathroom?!"
Not those.
And by, "blow up the bathroom," my Arab friends, I don't mean--
[Laughter]
I don't mean, "KaBoom!"
[Laughter]
I mean,
[Blows raspberry]
[Laughter]
But when I say, "fondly recall," I mean the kind where--
You know the kind, where you come out of the bathroom, and you feel lighter?
[Laughter]
You go in, feeling full, and when you come out, you're like, "Oh my God!"
Like you shit out, everything you've ever eaten, in your life?
[Laughter]
And not in a bad way, in a very comfortable way.
Like, you come out of the bathroom, like, "I don't think I have diabetes, anymore!"
[Laughter]
"I think I just shit my cancer out, is what I did!"
[Laughter]
I have a theory, that we'll have a minimum, of five.
But here's the thing. When my dad was alive--
Uhm--
Towards the end, of my dad's life, he got very sick, and the doctor told my dad, he said,
"Mr. Peters, you're gonna need to increase your fiber intake."
And my dad, uh, somehow misunderstood that--
as, "I should have fiber all day, all night."
[Laughter]
So, my dad, would literally sit there with a beer, and a glass of Metamucil--
and I'd be like, "Dad, what's that?"
[Indian accent] "Beer."
[Normal voice] "What's that?"
[Indian accent] "Metamucil. Try it."
"Tastes like orange."
[Laughter]
So, my dad, was having so much fiber, that he was, actually--
having phenomenal shits, on a daily basis.
And I'm not trying to be gross, or anything--
but--
my dad--
I remember, one time, I go to my parents house, and my dad came out of the bathroom, and goes,
[Indian accent] "Son! Son, you should see it."
[Laughter]
"It's incredible!"
"The length, of my bloody arm!"
[Laughter]
"It wouldn't break!"
[Laughter continues]
"It was coiling, in the toilet! Coiling!"
[Laughter]
"I, literally, had to stand up!"
[Laughter continues]
"It's sticking out, like the head of a cobra!"
[Laughter continues]
"Come, and see! I didn't flush. Come, and see. I didn't flush it. Come see."
[Normal voice] "That is disgusting, dad!"
[Laughter continues]
"I'm gonna flush it."
[Yelling in an Indian accent] "Don't flush it, your brother's not home!"
[Laughter]
[Normal voice] "I'm flushing it!"
[Indian accent] "You flush it, and somebody gonna get a hurt, real bad!"
[Audience cheering]
Thank you, very much, guys, goodnight!
[Audience cheering]
♪ ♪