When I was in elementary school,
I joined the Girl Scouts of America.
Any former Girl Scouts?
Oh, there we go.
Honestly, I joined to get in on that cookie game
they were running.
That was a very sophisticated operation.
I also wanted to be around little girls that liked campfires
and shoulder massages.
I kept trying to get them to make shoulder massages a badge.
They were like, "No, you creepo."
Now, my brothers,
they were in the Boy Scouts, which was really intense.
They would get dropped off on the top of a mountain
with just an egg and a match. That's it.
Their troop leader would be like, "We'll see you in three days.
Bring back an elk."
They'd come home all exhausted and dirty.
I'd be laying on the couch like, "Ugh!
Samesies."
I get it. Girl Scouts is hard too.
Do you know how hard it is
to sell something everybody wants?
People keep knocking on my door.
And I don't know
if you guys were following the news a while ago,
but the Boy Scouts got in a lot of trouble
because some people
wanted girls to be able to join the Boy Scouts.
Some even wanted to combine the two groups.
Now, you would assume that a progressive lady
such as myself
would be into that, but I was not.
I was against it and I'll tell you why.
That was the only time in my entire childhood
I had a room full of girls to myself.
You know?
You think I wanted Timmy walking in and being like,
"Hey, guys! I can build a fire!"
"We get it, Timmy!
I can build a fire too!
Angela, I can build a fire too!
Get the fuck out of here, Timmy!
And stop talking to Angela or I'll burn this place down."
Oh.
I was so angsty.
Now, I was considered to be a tomboy back then,
which was a more appropriate term for "future lesbian."
As my mom would say, "It's a phase.
It is a phase.
She is going to grow out of those Umbros.
I just know it.
It is a phase."
Ginger.
My mom was a girly-girl
and she wanted me to dress more feminine.
So she started shopping for me
and for whatever reason,
she started putting me in these power suits.
Yeah.
Like a pantsuit which is just an older version of gay.
I looked like a 50-year-old woman lawyer
just going to court in my power suit.
Like, "Who's ready to litigate, ladies?"
Even my teachers would ask,
"Did you win your case?"
And this was a time in fashion history
when shoulder pads were all the rage.
Giant shoulder pads.
Which is still something I don't understand to this day.
Where people are just like,
"Oh, your shoulders hadn't come in yet.
Let's get you some pads."
Like, was this the ideal shoulder height?
Oh, yes, now you are a woman
in your power suit.
And if I wasn't in these power suits,
my mom would shop at Lane Bryant.
She put me in these really long dresses
with doily bibs and floral prints.
I looked like a sister wife.
I looked like a 13-year-old sister wife
just going to the Chili's to find my husband, Jebediah.
That was me, a corporate attorney by day,
child bride by night.