Recently, we looked at what it means to be bisexual.
No, James Dobson, it doesn’t mean orgies. It just means someone is attracted to both men
and women, so theoretically they could choose a relationship with either one.
But suppose you’re bi and a Christian. Does that mean you have to choose someone of the
opposite sex, or is it okay to choose someone of the same sex if that’s who you fall in love with?
We’ve looked at this question before with respect to gay Christians,
and we’ve seen that Christians are divided on the right answer.
And it might seem obvious that the answer for bi folks would be the same as for gay folks,
that if God blesses same-sex relationships or condemns same-sex relationships,
it's just as true if you’re bi as if you’re gay.
But there are some Christians who take a different approach.
They believe God wants heterosexuality wherever possible, but that God might
make a compassionate exception in cases where it’s not possible.
So if you’re gay and heterosexuality isn't an option for you,
then they might be okay with you being in a same-sex relationship.
But if you’re bi and you CAN have a heterosexual relationship,
then that’s what they think God wants you to do.
So is that the compassionate, nuanced approach? Or is it just throwing bi folks under the bus?
And of these three Christian views on same-sex relationships—
okay for no one, okay for everyone, or okay only under special circumstances—who’s right?
To sort all this out, let’s start with two essential Christian concepts.
One is that God loves us and cares about our physical and emotional well-being. We see that
all the way through the Bible. God wants us to be happy and for our lives to bear good fruit.
But, number two, the Bible also says that God gives us boundaries.
Not all behavior is okay. Some things are wrong, or sinful.
These two things sound like opposites—the loving God and the rule-making God.
But Christians believe they go together—that God’s rules are loving, not cruel or arbitrary.
Because God loves us, God gives us healthy boundaries,
and doing things God’s way ultimately bears
the good fruit in our lives that a loving God wants for us.
And a prime example of these two things working together is in the institution of marriage.
God knows that people have a need for human intimacy and companionship. In Genesis, one
of the first things God says after creating Adam is, “It is not good that the man should be alone.”
Marriage offers a healthy way to meet our intimacy needs. It also brings some boundaries—you make
certain vows to each other. But churches have long held that these good kinds of
boundaries allow for the flourishing of the marriage and of the people in the marriage.
And for much of church history, it’s been assumed that one of God’s boundaries for marriage
is that it must be heterosexual—that Adam and Eve’s heterosexuality wasn’t
just one example of marriage or even the most common form,
but the defining form; this is what every marriage must look like. And many modern
Christians would take that a step further—not only is this a boundary for marriage, but for
romantic relationships in general. Same-sex romance is prohibited—in or out of marriage.
Now if you’re straight and you’ve always assumed everyone is straight,
then all of these pieces fit together like a perfectly crafted puzzle.
If we're all built to naturally connect with the opposite sex,
and heterosexual marriage provides the healthiest way to meet our need for intimacy,
then this boundary is a reasonable sign of God’s love for us,
wanting us to have good things and be fulfilled in healthy ways. It all works.
But suppose we're talking about a bisexual person who says,
“Yeah, I could do this in theory, but I'm actually in love with this person
of the same sex…” Well, given how well the rest of this seems to work,
it’s understandable why the church would say,
“No, better stick with God’s boundaries and focus on the opposite sex.
God knows best and wants what’s best for you…
Heterosexuality is what works best.” And, you know what?
That makes sense in theory. In real life, though, human relationships aren’t so simple.
Finding someone you love is tough. Finding someone who loves you back is tougher.
Add to that the need for compatible personalities, shared values, mutual attraction, being available
at the same time, and everything else you need for a healthy relationship,
and it can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack. Just ask any single person.
So if you find that with somebody, and they happen to be of the same sex, it’s not like
you can just take them to Walmart and exchange them for the same model in a different sex.
Telling a bi person to “choose heterosexuality” makes it sound
so much simpler than it actually is.
Still, if that’s God’s rule, God certainly knows best, so we have to abide by it. And at least
there is still an option for bi folks to get companionship—at least in theory—
so many Christians don’t see this as an issue.
At least not until we start talking about gay folks—for whom heterosexuality isn’t an option.
Because gay people can't experience opposite-sex attraction at all, this whole puzzle starts to fall apart
for them. And for any compassionate, thinking Christian, that raises a huge question:
If we believe God loves us and cares about our well-being,
and if we believe God’s boundaries aren’t cruel or arbitrary,
then why would God create millions of people wired from birth to connect only with the same sex,
and then condemn them to a lifetime of loneliness?
It’s not that God doesn’t have the right to set difficult— even painful—boundaries for us, but normally,
God’s boundaries are grounded in God's love for us,
designed to lovingly guide us to a better way of living—saying no to one thing
so we’ll say yes to something better that will bear good fruit in our lives.
But here we see only a “no,” and far from bearing good fruit
in gay people’s lives, this boundary just keeps causing misery and heartache.
Something's wrong. Something about this just feels off.
Some people try to solve this problem by claiming there’s no such thing
as people wired to be gay—that anyone could become straight if they wanted to be.
But the disastrous failure of Christian ex-gay ministries has proved that’s not true.
Others try to solve the problem by arguing that the Bible is only a fallible human work,
and any boundaries in it can be discarded when necessary.
That would allow for same-sex relationships for gay and bi folks, but at the expense of a lot of
Christian theology. As a Christian, I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Still others say, "Marriage isn’t really that big a deal," and, "Gay
folks who feel called to marriage should just be content with friendships."
But the Bible repeatedly and explicitly says just the opposite.
Marriage is important. Marriage matters to God. Friendships are not a substitute.
Unfortunately, when it becomes clear that none of these other approaches work that well,
I've seen a lot of folks settle on a different approach:
They just take compassion out of the equation. They either view gay people as their enemies
who somehow deserve to be lonely, or at best, take a “too bad, so sad” approach,
shrug their shoulders, and say, “Sorry you’re lonely. God said it, not me. Good luck.”
But for empathetic Christians who really care about others, that’s just not good enough.
They can see something’s wrong here, even if they’re not sure what the answer is.
And that's what leads some Christians to reach for what seems like the compassionate solution:
Even if same-sex romance is generally not allowed, surely a loving God would offer an
exception for people who have no other option—a kind of special dispensation for gay people.
Now, that’s actually not a completely crazy argument. I’ve talked elsewhere about
how Jesus did make exceptions to the rules when it was reasonable and compassionate to do so.
But with all its good intentions, this approach doesn’t quite hold together. If God forbids
same-sex romance but that rule doesn’t apply to gay people, then who does it apply to? Straight
people don’t want same-sex romance, so that would mean God only made the rule for bi people.
But why? This is what I mean when I say this "exception" approach throws bi people under the bus
for the sake of gay people.
Yes, this approach technically allows bi folks at least an option for romance,
but that’s little comfort if it means you can’t be with the person you love.
Again, people aren’t just interchangeable commodities.
And this isn't just a little thing. This matters.
One of the most common themes in all of human storytelling is the tragedy
of two people falling in love but having some obstacle that prevents them from being together.
Yes, sometimes there are legitimate reasons two people can’t or shouldn’t be together.
But in the absence of a good reason, it's a tragedy. These characters
might have other options on paper, but this is the person they’re in love with.
Remember Westley’s line in The Princess Bride?
“This is true love; do you think this happens every day?”
And here's the kicker: There is no need for all these complicated approaches
and special exceptions for certain groups of people to solve this problem.
Hopefully by now you’ve spotted the thing that all these approaches overlook:
There is no biblical rule against same-sex romance. There never was.
There is not a single passage anywhere in Scripture that speaks negatively of
same-sex romance. The passages people point to—
the ones that maybe instantly come to your mind— are all about sex, not romance,
and they’re all specifically about sex in contexts we’d still condemn today—like
sexual assault and lust-fueled sex rites in worship of false gods.
Now, people have written entire books on these passages,
and there’s lots to discuss about what they do or don’t mean. But at the very least,
when you understand the cultural context of these passages or simply read them in the
original languages, it’s abundantly clear that none of them refer to relationships.
So, bottom line: There’s no rule against same-sex relationships for gay people,
and there’s no rule against same-sex relationships for bi people. What the
Bible does tell us is that God cares about human relationships, God knows they’re important to us,
and God doesn’t want us to be alone. That’s true no matter who you are.
That still leaves plenty more to discuss about the definition of marriage, sexual morality,
and so on. But let’s start by acknowledging the importance of love. Because Westley’s right,
true love doesn’t happen every day. And if we misinterpret Scripture to end people’s
happiness in those rare occasions when it has happened? That would be such a tragedy,
it’s almost...inconceivable.