I've said it before.
I walk out here to the best audience in the world.
And all of you are wonderful people,
and that is my strong opinion.
And I also believe that glitter is evil
and cotton is not the fabric of our lives.
The fabric of our lives is love, everyone.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
We all have strong opinions about certain things.
For instance, you, ma'am, in the blue,
perhaps you hate cilantro.
I don't know.
Do you hate it?
No.
No?
All right.
But you could have that strong opinion, and I don't care.
That's OK.
I don't mind.
You, sir, right there in the blue shirt.
You may be convinced no one knows that's a toupee,
but that's OK.
It's normal to have strong opinions.
There's someone on my staff here who
has very strong opinions about everything.
The most insignificant things he has strong opinions about.
So the other day I heard--
I was not present, but I heard he went on a whole rant
about paper towels.
He's my producer, Matt Wright.
And I never knew that someone could
have such strong opinions about everything-- like, everything.
I mean, I have some opinions about some things,
and they're strong, but not everything.
So it gave me an idea for a new segment I'm calling
"Strong Opinions With Matt."
[APPLAUSE]
Hi, Matt.
Hi.
How's it going?
Good.
OK.
So, you have strong opinions about paper towels?
Well, yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess some people-- that's
why there's so many different.
What's your favorite brand?
Bounty.
Bounty?
Like, a big one.
Yeah.
Not the small little one that goes away
and you're done with it in two seconds.
Does Bounty even have a small one?
I thought Bounty was--
Yeah, they have some--
Is that the lumberjack on the front?
No.
Oh.
What's that, Brawny?
Brawny.
Yeah.
Do you like Brawny at all?
I mean, sure, but I like the Bounty.
That's not a strong opinion then.
If you're saying--
But I'm saying I like Bounty.
OK.
That's the one I get.
OK.
I don't get Brawny.
I'm not saying anything against Brawny, I just don't use it.
All right, but maybe you should try it.
OK.
All right, so you have Bounty, and it's the quicker picker
upper, right?
It sure is.
OK.
And what do you love about them, and how many
rolls do you buy at a time?
I buy the big jumbo two-pack.
And it has to be white.
I don't want a pattern.
I don't want a cornucopia.
I don't want flowers.
OK.
White.
Right.
How many is in a two-pack?
Two big jumbo rolls.
Oh, just two?
Just two, it'll last me for a little while.
And then it has to be select-a-size, right?
Thank you.
[APPLAUSE]
You can rip off a select-a-size.
Hold on.
Yes.
Hold on.
Yeah, it has to be.
I am against select-a-size.
I don't understand that.
That's crazy.
Anybody with me on against select-a-size?
But why would you be?
I think everybody is too polite to say.
There's some people saying--
No.
They're scared.
They want to support me.
What's the point?
If you're using a paper towel, you want an actual paper towel.
Why do you need a strip?
Because sometimes--
It always surprises me if someone buys the wrong one,
and I'm like, why?
There's nothing more aggravating than when
I go to get a paper towel and a giant sheet comes off.
Well, that's not a paper towel.
If you're doing that, that's--
Is there's a small little mess, I just want one little piece.
Oh, and at dinner, I do like two halves though.
I want to fold it and put it in two halves.
Because if I need to put a knife down,
I like to put it down on one half of the paper towel
and I can use the other half to wipe my hands.
You use a half a paper towel to wipe your hands?
That's why I like to have double,
but I like to have it folded.
I don't want a whole big one, then
you have to rip-- you ever try to rip a paper towel in half?
There's no need to, because you just need one paper towel.
What if you just need a little bit of paper towel?
Nobody ever needs a little bit of paper towel.
You have a little bit of a spill.
That's not going to be good.
Anyway, you and I, I don't agree with you on that.
Select-a-size.
Wait, I'm not to this yet, but thanks, Pete.
OK, what about-- so at dinner, you're
saying you use those as napkins?
You don't use a cloth napkin?
Cloth napkin?
I'm doing laundry now?
If you're having a dinner party, you
don't use a nice cloth napkin?
No.
I don't even think I own any.
Well you should.
How old are you?
45.
It's time for you to have a cloth napkin in your house.
All right, maybe.
What are your other things?
OK, one of my biggest pet peeves is
when I'm at a restaurant and I order something.
Like, say you got a couple of appetizers.
But I want it coursed out.
Don't bring everything to me at once.
That annoys me so much.
Like, if you're at sushi and you order a bunch of things
and all of a sudden it's like--
[APPLAUSE]
--they're coming at me and they're putting stuff down.
And if I'm at a two-top table and they're boom, boom, boom--
I'm on a two-top.
And they'll come over like, oh, hm, where should I put this?
You tell me!
You brought it over.
There's so many things here.
Course it out.
I want to enjoy my food.
By the way, I will drink more wine if you take your time.
[APPLAUSE]
It's going to benefit you.
I will spend more money.
No.
Movie theaters-- people who bring in real food
to a movie theater.
Oh!
Somebody brought Chinese leftovers.
They're sitting next to me eating Chinese.
Popcorn and candy-- that's it.
I don't want real food.
I don't want to smell your food.
Shoes off on a plane.
I say yes to shoes, no to socks.
I don't want to see your toes.
I don't want to see your feet.
So if they take their shoes off but still have socks on?
That's OK?
You can take a shoe off, especially
if there's a blanket or a slipper or something.
But, like, I don't want to see your toes.
And people, don't put your feet, your toes, up on a dashboard
or out your window when you're driving.
That is so gross.
Automated calls--
What do you do when you see people putting their feet up
on a dashboard?
I glare at them.
Like, you're disgusting.
Automated calls-- you ever call those phone numbers
and they'll sit there and be like,
"to make this call go faster, enter your date of birth
and your account number."
You do it all.
And then you get someone on the phone,
they're like, oh, what's your date of birth?
What's your account number?
No!
I already gave it to the computer.
I don't have to tell you now.
[APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
All right, those are good, strong opinions.
I don't agree with the select-a-size,
but I was wondering why they continue to make them.
And apparently it's very popular and a lot of people like them.
It's so convenient.
Yeah, but I think that you use the entire--
and I don't like to waste it.
What if you needed one and a half?
What if you don't need two big ones, but just
a little bit more than one regular?
You get one and a half.
[APPLAUSE]
OK.
You started that applause, Andy.
That was not the audience.
That was you.
Thank you, Andy.
All right, hang out at the DJ booth
in case I have other questions.