DO YOU EVER CONSIDER THE FACTS
THAT --
DON'T USE THAT TONE WITH ME.
TONE IS THE IF CUSOF THIS
WEEK'S RELATIONSHIP REBOOT.
JUST IN TIME, ONE OF OUR
VIEWERS WANTED TO KNOW IF YOU
HAD TO PICK ONE SMALL THING
THAT COUPLES DON'T REALIZE THEY
ARE DOING WRONG BUT THINGS ARE
HURTING THEIR MIDDLE AGE, WHAT
WOULD IT BE -- MARRIAGE, WHAT
WOULD IT BE.
VOICES, THE WAY WE SAY THINGS
MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE.
CAROL?
JASON.
THIS IS TOO CLOSE TO HOME.
THAT'S INTERESTING.
ON AIR THERAPY, EVEN THOUGH I'M
NOT A THERAPIST.
A LOT OF THE TIMES, MY WIFE
AND I WILL HAVE CONVERSATIONS
AND THINGS GET HEATED.
IT'S TOUGH TO KIND OF MONITOR
YOUR OWN TONE.
YOU THINK HEY, I'M TRYING TO
COMMUNICATE.
I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW I
FEEL.
YOU ARE NOT ALWAYS AWARE OF HOW
YOU ARE COMMUNICATING.
THAT'S THE THING, OUR TONE
OF VOICE.
FOR FIVE YEARS, 10 YEARS, 25
YEARS, WE SORT OF JUST DEVELOP
THIS PATTERN OF SPEAKING THESE
WAYS OF INTERACTING WITH ONE
ANOTHER.
WHEN IT COMES TO COUPLES, ONLY
7% OF MEANING IS IN THE WORDS
THEMSELVES AND 38% OF MEANING
IS IN OUR TONE OF VOICE.
NEGATIVE TONE IS A LITTLE BIT
LIKE RUST ON A CAR.
IT IS INCREDIBLY CORROSIVE AND
GOING TO BUILD AND AFFECT YOUR
WAYS.
THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT
ARGUMENTS.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO KEEP IN
MIND TONE OR ARGUING.
THE RESEARCH IS FASCINATING.
THE IT'S MOST MUNDANE MOMENT TO
MOMENT, WHERE THE NEGATIVE
CRITICAL, CONDESCENDING IS THE
MOST CORROSIVE.
INTERESTING.
THE RESEARCH ON THIS IS PRETTY
FASCINATING.
DEPENDING ON TONE, CAN YOU
PREDICT WHICH COUPLES ARE GOING
TO STAY TOGETHER AND WHICH
AREN'T?
THERE IS A FASCINATING STUDY
PUBLISHED OUT OF THE UNIVERSITY
OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA AND
UTAH.
THEY TRACKED 100 COUPLES WHO
ARE IN THERAPY.
OVER HUNDREDS OF CONVERSATIONS,
THEY WERE ABLE TO DEVELOP A
COMPUTER ALGORITHM THAT WAS 79%
ACCURACY, COULD PREDICT WHICH
OF THE COUPLES WERE GOING TO DO
WELL IN THEIR MARRIAGE AND
WHICH WEREN'T OVER THE NEXT
FIVE YEARS.
IT WAS ABOUT TONE OF VOICE.
MOST CORROSIVE AND
DESTRUCTIVE TONE IS WHAT?
ANYTHING NEGATIVE.
DISMISSIVE, CONDESCENDING,
IRRITATED.
I WAS WITH A COUPLE A COUPLE OF
WEEKS AGO, IT WASN'T YOU.
BASIC EVEN CONVERSATION AND ONE
OF THE SPOUSES COULDN'T SEE
WHAT WAS GOING ON AND WAS LIKE,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHEN THAT PERSON SAW WHAT THE
OTHER SPOUSE WAS DOING, THEY
WERE SWEETLY HELPING THEIR
CHILD DO SOMETHING.
WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THIS?
THIS IS WHAT IS REALLY COOL.
SOMETIMES THE LITTLE THINGS ARE
THE EASIEST TO CHANGE.
TWO TIPS, ONE, PAUSE AND
REFLECT.
WHEN YOU FEEL IRRITATED, THE
LITTLE BIT OF, STOP AND SAY, IS
THIS THE TONE I WOULD USE WITH
A COLLEAGUE FOR INSTANCE?
JUST BEING AWARE OF IT.
ASK YOURSELF, IS THIS THE TONE
YOU WOULD WANT THE PERSON TO
USE?
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
ANOTHER TIP IS, RECORD
YOURSELVES OVER AN EVENING.
WHEN WE DON'T REALIZE WHAT WE
ARE SAYING BUT WE HEAR
OURSELVES, THEN LISTEN TO IT.
HERE IS THE KEYS THOUGH.
DON'T LISTEN TO IT AND BE LIKE
YOUR TONE WAS -- LISTEN FOR
YOUR OWN TONE.
IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO CHANGE IF
YOU WANT TO CHANGE IT.
IMPORTANT.