>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
YOU KNOW, FOLKS...
BEING ON THE TV HERE, THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS PEOPLE WANT TO
ASK ME, THINGS LIKE, "WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF FEBRUARY
19?" AND, "COULD YOU COME WITH US
DOWN TO THE STATION, PLEASE?" FANS.
THE THING IS, EVERY NIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW, I DO GIVE MEMBERS OF
MY STUDIO AUDIENCE A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW ME BY ASKING
ANYTHING THEY WANT AND ANSWERING ONLY WHAT I FEEL LIKE.
( LAUGHTER )
TOGETHER AND SHARE THEM WITH YOU.
TONIGHT IS ONE OF THOSE OFTENS:
♪ ♪ ♪ YES, MA'AM, RIGHT THERE IN THE
THIRD ROW.
>> I'D LIKE TO GET TO KNOW YOU A LITTLE BIT.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SURE.
I WOULDN'T MIND THAT, EITHER.
MY NAME'S STEPHEN.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> WHAT'S THE WORST AND THE BEST PURCHASE YOU'VE EVER MADE?
>> Stephen: UM, I LIKE BOATS.
AND THAT'S BOTH THE WORST AND THE BEST PURCHASE YOU CAN MAKE.
( LAUGHTER )
IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY WHEN I'M ON IT.
I GET OFFSHORE ABOUT TEN MILES, AND I DON'T HAVE A CARE IN THE
WORLD.
IT'S, LIKE, BETTER THAN ANY DRUG.
THE TUG-- I LOVE TO FISH, AND, AS WE SAY, THE TUG IS THE DRUG--
THE TUG OF THAT FISH.
THAT'S WHAT I REALLY LIKE.
WHAT'S GOING ON OVER THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DO YOU NEED ME?
>> I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS YOUR BEST PURCHASE.
>> Stephen: WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.
LIKE WHAT-- SORT OF THINGS DO PEOPLE PURCHASE?
WHAT?
EVIE'S ENGAGEMENT RING.
>> Stephen: EVIE'S ENGAGEMENT RING?
THAT WAS OKAY.
I SAW YOU FIRST RIGHT OVER THERE OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE.
HELLO.
>> OKAY, AT THE EMMY'S, MINDY KALING CALLED YOU "A MESSY
BITCH."
DO YOU IDENTIFY AS A MESSY BITCH?
>> Stephen: DO I IDENTIFY AS A MESSY BITCH?
YES, AND IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
UH, YES, RIGHT BACK THERE.
>> DO WE HAVE FREE WILL, STEPHEN COLBERT?
( LAUGHTER )
THING-- I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO ASK THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES, MA'AM, RIGHT THERE.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
>> WELL...
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT OUT-- I WANT TO POINT OUT
SOMEBODY RAISED YOU RIGHT.
YOU STOOD UP TO ASK YOUR QUESTION.
WHAT-- HOW CAN I HELP YOU, MA'AM?
>> I STAY UP EVERY NIGHT LISTENING TO YOU.
I THINK YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.
>> Stephen: OH.
>> AND I FIGURED ALL THESE PEOPLE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A
STEPHEN COLBERT DOLL.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IS THIS AN INFLATABLE DOLL?
( LAUGHTER )
I WANT TO HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO MAKE A STEPHEN COLBERT DOLL.
>> Stephen: LET ME SEE THIS.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF ALL TIME.
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU!
>> COULD I GIVE YOU MY NAME AND ADDRESS?
>> Stephen: OF COURSE YOU CAN.
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
AND THEY SAY COMEDIANS DON'T GET GROUPIES.
UH, YES RIGHT THERE.
>> SO, YOU HAVE INTERVIEWED A LOT OF PRESIDENTS BEFORE, AND I
WANTED TO ASK YOU IF ANY OF THEM TOLD YOU THAT ALIENS WERE REAL.
( LAUGHTER )
I ASKED OBAMA!
I ASKED OBAMA IF ALIENS WERE REAL.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T ANSWER THE QUESTION.
I SAID "WELL, THAT'S A YES."
( LAUGHTER )
THE OTHER DAY.
WAS IT JUST, LIKE-- WAS IT JUST, LIKE, A YEAR AGO THAT WE GOT THE
REPORT?
AND THEN PEOPLE, LIKE MEMBERS OF THE SECRETARY OF THE NAVY OR
SOMETHING, WENT ON-- ON "60 MINUTES" AND SAID, "YEAH IT'S
REAL."
AND WE'RE ALL JUST GOING ON WITH OUR LIVES.
HOW ARE WE JUST GOING ON WITH OUR LIVES WHEN WE KNOW THAT
THERE ARE REAL U.F.O.s OUT THERE?
I THINK THEY'RE SOFTENING UP THE BEACH.
THEY'RE LIKE "OKAY, THEY HANDLED THE VIDEO AND THE PROOF PRETTY
WELL.
NOW LET'S LET THEM KNOW THAT THERE ARE ALIENS."
BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU FREAK OUT?
WOULD YOU FREAK OUT IF YOU FOUND OUT THERE WERE ALIENS?
>> Jon: I'D FREAK OUT AND THEN I'D TRY TO MEET 'EM.
( LAUGHTER )
FREAK OR DE-FREAK IT?
>> Jon: JUST TO GET TO KNOW 'EM BETTER, YOU KNOW?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
JUST SAY TO THEM, LIKE, "I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU, MR. ALIEN.
WHAT'S THE BEST PURCHASE AND THE WORST PURCHASE YOU'VE EVER
MADE?"
( APPLAUSE )
COMEDIAN ALEX EDELMAN.