(electronic whooshing and beeping)
- Come on, you gotta hit this.
- I don't know, man, we're working.
- I'm never not high at this job.
Come on, man, this is how we roll.
Mort, tell him.
- Hey, he made do this my first time, too.
Don't worry, I also hated it.
- [Driver] And now Mort and I are best friends.
- [Mort] 'Cause he made me get rid of
the rest of my friends.
- He had two friends, both named Gary.
And they sucked.
- I loved the Garys.
- Why don't we just deliver these pizzas?
- Are you the trainee or am I the trainee?
I'm wearing the red shirt.
You're wearin' a played-out white shirt
like a pussy. - Okay,
let's take it easy, huh?
- Just hazing.
But seriously, man, Samuel said I'm supposed to train you.
I'm the head delivery driver.
Red shirts are for closers.
- Isn't the deal closed when they make the order?
- Just hit this, man!
- I don't want to, man.
- He's gonna be pretty shitty
to you until you smoke that weed.
- Yeah.
(sighs)
- All right. - Yeah!
- One hit.
- You're a party man. - One hit.
(laughing)
Why's it look like this?
- It's a dick pipe, go.
Oh my God, wait, that's the crack pipe.
- Oh fuck, spit it out, spit it out!
- (laughing) Classic haze!
(laughing)
- Is it-- - It's just weed.
Take another one because you got confused
during that one. - Yeah, sorry about that.
- You want your brain clear when you smoke.
Yeah! (laughing)
- Shotgun me, shotgun me.
- Don't do that, Mort.
That's for girls.
It's so gross.
- Oh hell yeah! - All right ,give it to me.
- Hat trick, hat trick. - Yeah, three-way boys out.
(dub step music)
- [Mort] Hey, shouldn't one of us be
at the home base right now?
- Relax, Mort, Samuel doesn't care.
And besides, what's more important?
Getting customers their food,
or bonding with your new teammate?
- Oh, I'm really high.
Too high!
I wanna call my mom.
What if my stepdad answers?
Fucking hate Bruce!
- No! That's why I emphasized that as like the positive one.
Mort, you gotta be on the same page as me, man.
- I am. - No you're not.
Cause it confuses the trainee.
- The trainee's already confused.
(distorted speech)
- No I didn't man.
- Guys, I haven't been this high
since I saw Avatar in the theater.
(laughs)
- That movie sucked.
I'm psyched for the sequel, though.
Let's do this.
(doorbell)
- Uh, Pie Guys delivery?
- This can't be my pizza.
- Why not?
- Cause I ordered my pizza over a fucking hour ago,
that's why not.
- Um, I'm sorry ma'am. Man!
- Did you just call me ma'am? - No!
- Are you stoned right now?
- No.
- Don't fucking lie to me shit stain!
(yelling)
- What the fuck?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait! I know you!
- No, no, no, no, you don't know him, Mort.
Let's just do what he says, okay?
- You're John's friend.
You picked him up from work a week ago. That's it.
- Goddamn it, Mort.
You ruined it.
We were gonna X him.
- Like Jimmy Kennedy experiments.
- Why was I supposed to know, man?
- I was winking at you.
- You always wink.
- [Trainee] But you do wink a lot.
- I don't always wink, what are you talking about?
- Always winking. - Do you know this guy?
- Yes, this is my buddy Steak.
He's an actor.
- Hey, what's up man?
Don't worry, this is just a starter pistol.
- Oh, I recognize you.
You're the guy from the carpet commercial.
- Oh, yeah, "Gentleman's carpet. Always clean, never mean."
- That makes me always think, like, are they implying
that people at other carpet stores are mean?
- Oh yeah, I don't know the business side of things.
I'm just the hired gun.
- Yeah, yeah.
- No pun intended.
(gunshot)
- Oh my god!
- Sorry! - What the fuck?
- I got a big fat index finger and accidentally
pulled the trigger.
(gunshot)
- Damn it! Can you figure out the trigger?
- Dude, I'm sorry.
(crying)
- You okay? You okay?
Go get some ice. Go get some ice, yes.
- Am I bleeding? - No, you're not,
no you're not bleeding.
- Why are you winking?
Unbelievable! - Shh, shh.
- Yeah, you guys were pretty scared for a second, though.
- [Mort] It was more confusing than it was scary.
- Hey.
Hey, guess where I've been?
Making deliveries because all my drivers were gone.
- Relax, Samuel.
- I'm sorry. I'm cool.
I'm cool. It's just been very busy.
- Well, instead of yelling at us,
you should be congratulating Rob, who, did a fantastic
job on his first delivery.
High five!
- What?
- Congratulations, Rob.
- Hey great work, buddy, but be patient.
Mort had to shadow me for two months
before he could fly solo.
- That's because you kept telling Samuel I wasn't ready.
- Shhnah. Look, your training is almost 25% complete.
Your next mission is two parts.
First part, I need you to go to the supermarket
and pick up some drain cleaner.
The toilet kind.
Second part, go to my apartment.
I'll give you the address, you're gonna want
to go into the bathroom. - Here.
You're not a trainee anymore.
- Goddamn it, Samuel. - Get in there, come on,
we're busy.
- Whoa, this shirt is way too big and super filthy.
- Oh yeah, must've been Steingold's shirt.
- Oh yeah, he had a heart attack in the bathroom.
- Mhmm.
- He didn't die in this shirt, did he?
- Questions are for trainees.
You're a driver now.
- Hey, this is your life now, buddy. Wow!
(sighs)
(electronic music)