It's time once again for the Oscars
Hollywood's annual award show for the best films released between late November and late December
Only one of these nine films will win the coveted title of best picture
unless the guy in charge of the result screws up because he was on his phone backstage
And they accidentally give it to someone else.
There's a mistake. This is not a joke. Moonlight has won best picture.
Best Oscars ever!
Here are your nominees:
You've seen Dunkirk's breathless portrayal of heroism in the face of death;
Now prepare for a movie about all the talking that was going on at the same time
Would you stop interrupting me while I am interrupting you!
and get ready to see Gary Oldman acting like you've never seen him before
In a fat suit!
Hey, I'll take wearing a fat suit to win an Oscar over eating a bison liver
or something really bad like being Casey Affleck
Grumpy Old Man.
From visionary director Guillermo del Toro
who's contractually obligated to be credited as visionary director Guillermo Del Toro
comes a love story between a woman and the fish prisoner in her lab
... which sounds creepy when you strip the art away from it, but trust me: in the context of the story
you will totally be okay with this woman having sex with a fish man.
It's actually a really beautiful story about finding your voice and-
oh man. This is gonna be known as the fish banging movie. Isn't it?
The FISH BANGING MOVIE
Set during the great Italian shirt shortage of 1983
Comes a touching romance between this grown man, and this seventeen-year-old
Which also sounds creepy when you strip the art away from it.
In this film full of lush
cinematography, moving performances and
groundbreaking visual effects that removed Armie Hammer's balls from his short shorts
critics are saying it's visually stunning
transcendent, and one of the most mesmerizing films of the year
while the Peach Farmers Association is saying: "That's not why we grow them... but hey! You do you!
Loheta!
In the sleeping town of Ebbing,Missouri
one wronged mother will right injustice the only way she knows how:
LOCAL.
ADVERTISING.
In a film with such powerful performances
you'll stop referring to Sam Rockwell as "that guy"
and start referring to him as...
"That guy! You know, from Three Billboards?"
What...Three Racists Inside Ebbing Missouri
You've seen him play historical figures,
obsessed madmen,
and Hawkeye!
No, not that one.
The Last of The Mohicans guy.
That's the one!
Now, witness Daniel Day-Lewis's stunning farewell performance
as an obsessed craftsman who has trouble separating his art from his personal life.
...so, Daniel Day-Lewis?
some actor!
Method Man...
From Greta Gerwig, the talented actor/director so indie you've definitely pretended to know about her already,
comes a note perfect coming-of-age story about the most difficult challenge a teenager can face:
having to grow up in Sacramento.
I wanna go where culture is like New York.
who has such a tough time navigating her friendships,
boyfriends and family you'll almost forgive her for defending Crash by the Dave Matthews Band.
I fucking hate this song. I love it.
Ah, who am I to talk? I listened to Papa Roach in high school.
Put a Bird on it
From the best director of all time
... according to every anonymous online metric
comes a WW2 story so visually beautiful,
so clinically brutal, and so needlessly out of sequence it could only be made by Christopher Nolan
Not everything has to be a puzzle box Chris!
Saving lots of privates.
From two-time Academy Award winning director Steven Spielberg,
the Academy award-winning writer of Spotlight,
two-time Academy Award winner Tom Hanks,
and twenty-one time Academy Award nominee Meryl Streep
comes a timely movie about the media resisting an unpopular Republican president!
In a film so calculated to win Oscars
they may as well have just put "Academy Award nominee" in the title.
Academy Award nominee The Post
From the production company that's gone from the Teen Choice Awards to the Academy Awards,
Comes the directing debut of the player formerly known as Mouse Cop.
In a horror thriller that holds a mirror up to smug affluent white progressives
In other words... the Academy?
Well, it's an honor just to be nominated, right guys?
Let the White Ones in
Starring
The following comic book movies that nerds think were snubbed and the categories they should have been nominated for
Thor Ragnarok
For best Goldblum
Wonder Woman for best two thirds of a movie
Justice League for best picture
but only the Snyder cut
Logan
Man with all the sexual harassment exposed this year
This is gonna be a really sensitive emotional ceremony.
Take it away, host of the main show!
Are you guys excited about seeing a few girls jump on trampolines?