Anyone who observes social groups
can tell you that within any social group,
dynamics, patterns and rolls start to emerge.
These dynamics patterns and rolls
tend to be quite resistant to change.
And some of these patterns, shall we say,
are a lot more difficult to change then others.
Some are a hell of a lot more dysfunctional than others.
And of them, one of the most dysfunctional
is a triad pattern.
Where we fall either into the role of the victim, the villain or the hero.
Triangle From Hell.
Before we continue its important to understand that this triad position
is how we actually subconsciously see the entire world.
We fit all people and all groups
into one of these rolls at any given moment.
The human ego’s number one enemy is shame.
Ego is essentially nothing more than self-concept,
and we must see ourselves as good
To understand more about this watch my videos titled:
‘Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening'
And ‘The #1 Relationship Obstacle (And How to Dissolve It)’
But some people are raised in dysfunctional household
where the core self-concept
that all the people within this household have is shame.
I wanna stress, I said all the people within the household.
This means the narcissist in the family,
has a self-concept founded on shame.
The codependent has a self-concept founded on shame.
The golden child has a self-concept founded on shame.
The lost child has a self-concept founded on shame.
And the scapegoat child has a self-concept founded on shame.
And the list goes on and on.
For those of us who grew up in this kind of a dynamic
the dysfunction of our lives
and the disfunction of the rolls we play in our life,
even into our adult life,
are founded on the idea we are constantly trying in dysfunctional ways
to get away from that shame
and to maintain the concept,
or shall I say, build the concept in the first place,
that we are a good person.
But what happens for us is that the closest we can actually get
to that concept of ourselves being good
is to either be the victim or the rescuer.
Otherwise known as the hero.
We see the victim as the underdog.
They are always the powerless innocent good guy.
When we are so dysfunctional that our self-concept is so low
that we can only access the feeling of being good when we’re a victim.
We actually begin a vortex of dysfunctional creation in our lives
where we create scenarios where we are not actually the victim,
but we feel and act like we are.
This is the classic victim control dynamic.
And we also begin to attract constant scenarios
where we are the victim such as accidents.
Our lives will be full of villains.
We also see the hero as the good guy.
So many people enter the healing field
and the teaching field
because this is what we’re trying to do.
We’re trying to access our own feelings of being the hero.
Being the hero involves courage, action, nobility, morality and selflessness.
But we actually begin a vortex of dysfunction creation in our lives
where we are roped into victim control dynamics,
where we defend a false victim against a false villain.
We become self-righteous
and justify the cruelty we exact upon the villain
because we tell ourselves they deserved it.
By doing this we actually become the villain but don’t see ourselves as such.
We make people sick or cause them to collapse
so that we can come in and rescue them
and by doing so feel like we’re a good person.
We enable people’s dysfunction
because when they are in their weakness
we can feel like we’re a good person.
Now in order to do that we have to have someone to defend the victim against.
Our world is nothing but victims and villains.
What makes this triangle dynamic
so incredibly obnoxious
is that none of these rolls exist in a void.
By virtue of just being in one of these rolls
you automatically create all the other rolls.
For example, if you slip into victimization
that implies the fact that there is a villain.
A victim needs a villain to exist.
Just like a villain needs a victim to exist.
So basically, the second someone slips into these rolls,
the other rolls are created whether you like it or not.
The victim needs a savior and it needs a bad guy,
the savior needs someone to defend (the victim)
and someone to defend the victim against the villain.
And here’s what makes this pattern even more obnoxious.
Let’s say that somebody sees this dynamic,
doesn’t wanna get into this triangle pattern
and says: “I’m not gonna participate.”
You just maid yourself another villain. Why?
Because you’re now a bystander to injustice.
In a dysfunctional household
these rolls of the victim, the villain and the hero
are constantly getting played out.
Here’s just one tiny example.
Let’s say the dysfunctional adult
actually perceives them self to be
or plays themselves out to be the victim
to the scapegoated child in this scenario.
The scapegoated child in this case becomes the villain.
They then, (because they need to be defended, because they’re the victim),
rope the golden child into defending them against the scapegoated child.
And by doing so they become the hero.
Here’s the other crappy part.
We tend to become identified with these rolls,
and therefore whichever roll we spend the most time in in our childhood
we tend to play that roll out far into our adult hood.
This triad dynamic between the victim, hero and villain
is responsible for the psychology of triangulation.
The dynamic where one person splits two other people.
Pitting them against one another.
This triangle from hell dynamic
arises out of conflict or perceived conflict.
When we feel trapped in conflict,
its usually because we are fitting into one of these triangular positions.
The shape of a triangle implies the fact
that you are completely stuck in opposition to one another.
Just your very story in the dynamic
pigeonhole’s people into their roll
which is resistant to change.
There both is and isn’t such a thing as true victimization.
Because we all know that people can be genuine victims.
But here’s the thing,
there is a background story that leads a villain into becoming a villain
and I can tell you that if they tell their story
they’re always gonna be a victim to somebody else.
We are nothing more than the victim of victims.
This being said.
Victimization is the rarity.
What isn’t the rarity is conflict.
In a situation where conflict occurs between two people or two parties,
both people have their needs threatened.
That’s gonna cause you to go into flight or flight.
Its gonna cause you instantaneously to feel like you’re in a powerless position.
You’re gonna feel like a victim.
Both parties feel innocent and powerless.
It naturally makes us want to find someone to rescue us or side with us
against the other person who we perceive
(due to our own feelings of powerlessness)
to be more powerful than us at this very moment
we feel the need to be defended.
This opens the door for the hero roll to be filled.
And naturally we blame the other person
on the other side of the conflict and by doing so,
open up the door for the person
on the opposite side of the conflict to fill the roll of the villain.
The villain roll is all about power and control.
Every negative trait we assign to a villain
ultimately boils down to this power and control.
But what we have to admit is that we all have this within ourselves.
If we feel like a villain,
we instantly try to gain back that power and that control
that we feel like we lost or that we feel that was taken from us.
And just by virtue of trying to do so we become the villain as well.
We become self-centered and fight for our needs, and our needs alone,
without regard to impact on any other party.
We believe them to be separate from us.
If we feel like a hero,
we are doing all these things but justifying it as the right thing to do.
I seriously urge you to watch
any of these action movies with superheroes in them.
If you take away the concept of “doing what’s right”
as a judgment that we slap over the face of a superhero.
And you just simply watch what actions they are taking,
they are killing people, they’re stealing things.
These are people who should end up in prison.
They’re villains.
But because of the meaning we’ve assigned to it they’re heroes.
And every villain comes with a background story.
Nobody ends up in a villain position
unless they perceive themselves to be in a victim in some way.
Now if you talk to any villain,
any perpetrator,
they’re going to tell you they believe what they did is right in some way,
because they were the victim.
For example, we call terrorists villains,
but I can tell you that the people who are of the same ideology as they are
see them as saviors.
A villain is as much a hero in disguise
as a hero is a villain in disguise.
What changes is how we judge them.
And judgment, I’ll tell you, is incredibly subjective.
Social groups are being divided by this dynamic every day.
Because when this triad pattern occurs,
it demands that all parties involved with the conflict,
have to choose sides for and against.
And the minute that dynamic is set up
you’ve got a zero-sum game. Where I win, and you lose.
But here’s the thing,
I win, and you lose doesn’t work long term.
Because nobody is ok with actually losing.
Their needs actually have value to them.
And this is what breeds revenge.
And when revenge is acted out,
a win win game turns into a lose lose game.
What you’ve got to realize is that every war has started from this very dynamic.
Somebody see’s themselves as the victim.
Somebody sees themselves as the villain.
And someone sees themselves as the hero.
They always feel justified in their position
and in the end its always a lose lose game.
In order to solve this dynamic
and break free from the stuckness of the triangle
we need to seek resolve instead of victory for our own needs.
We need to step back and see the roll that we are consciously playing in it.
We need to start recognizing conflict
as simply an opposition of needs between two parties.
Both of who feel like the victim in a needs conflict.
Being aware of that
we need to not get sucked into the fragmentation
of this hero, and villain and victim dynamic.
We have to see that we are all villains,
we are all victims and we are all heroes.
We have the seeds of each one of these rolls inherent within us.
We cannot identify with any one of these rolls.
We need to see that if that both
the person we perceive to be the victim
in this situation and the person we perceive
to be the villain in the story,
feel like they are the victim,
there is a much more complex situation at hand then meets the eye.
We need to stop seeing the bad guy as the bad guy
and instead see them as someone we must work directly with
to identify a solution with.
We need to begin to own our own needs and our own feelings.
And to communicate those things directly.
Now communicating them directly
really taking ownership of these things,
also involves the fact that we have to acknowledge
that somebody else does not have the same feelings and needs as our self.
This means we need to get into the discomfort
of being willing to confront someone directly
to communicate our needs and our feelings.
We can’t complain about it behind their back without addressing them directly.
We also have to accept that
of course this is probably going to be a needs conflict.
Meaning their needs are probably going to be opposed to my needs.
And I can’t automatically turn them into a villain
just because their needs oppose my needs.
Being accountable for our own feelings and needs
means really owning them instead of making it someone else’s responsibility.
For example, “you are so self-centered”,
is a victim statement. It creates no opening for resolve.
“I feel as though my needs are not getting considered and I need them to be.”
Is a statement in which no victim is created.
Except feelings and needs were clearly stated.
It puts the problem that needs to be resolved on the table and in plain view.
As a general rule of thumb,
we need to take a totally different approach
to conflict then we usually take.
If we’re getting locked into the hero, and the villain and the victim routine,
what we do is we try to look for what’s right.
We’ve gotta drop this idea,
I mean totally discredit this idea of what’s right and wrong
and instead adopt the idea that you’ve gotta find a way
to meet the needs of both people involved
and if you can’t do that,
we’ve gotta create resolve for the feelings on the behalf of both parties.
So that both parties can move forward
in a way that feels good to them.
Basically, we have to start to see ourselves as partners
when it comes to a conflict.
Partners in that we both have the mutual commitment and responsibility,
to find a resolve between us.
We need to take the person as well as their story
as if they were a part of us.
We need to put ourselves in their shoes.
Through mutual understanding the resolution can actually arise.
If we are used to these rolls in a conflict.
They tend to be resistant to change.
This is especially true if we grew up in households
where this is the way we learned that conflicts should be treated.
But I promise you that a good relationship
absolutely rests on the other side of
learning to abandon these rolls that we've been taught are Ok to fill.
We need to see that the second that we see ourselves as the victim,
or the hero,
or identify somebody else as such
we have automatically created a villain.
Now this screws the other person.
It pigeonholes them.
It means that in that moment we are essentially attacking their self-concept.
We’re saying: "you’re a bad guy."
Now what is this gonna do?
It’s gonna trigger somebody
so they’re gonna see you as the one attacking their self-concept.
Now you are the villain in their eyes.
So behaviors that they perceive as self-defense,
will be seen by us as attack
and further fuel our idea that they are the villain.
It becomes a cycle that only spirals and solidifies the rolls
until all parties involved are split and fragmented beyond repair
and resolution becomes impossible.
So here’s a practice.
Any time that conflict arises,
you should let the conflict itself or that feeling of angst between people
be like an alarm bell that alerts you, wai wai wai wait.
Here is the potential for you to fall into
one of three of these rolls.
Either the villain, the victim or the hero.
Now when you hear that alarm bell go off,
make the practice of stepping back from those rolls.
You also have to ask yourself
if you are already in one of these rolls
relative to this particular conflict.
Accept that we are all villains
and we are all victims in the very same conflict.
We are all innocent and we are all at the same time guilty.
Our needs are being threatened and so are theirs.
There is no one to defend and no one to fight against.
All there is is a problem to be solved.
Stepping back from these rolls
helps us to see the difference between the problem
and the people involved in that problem.
So, we can genuinely commit to resolution.
Instead of to perpetuating a dynamic to which there is no resolve.
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com