(upbeat, happy music)
Hey, Conan O'Brien here with my pal Aaron Bleyaert.
Hello.
And uh, that was awkward.
(laughing)
We're with another Clueless Gamer.
And this one is very exciting.
The Witcher: Wild Hunt.
We are getting a sneak peek.
Bley! Yes.
What can you tell us about The Witcher: Wild Hunt?
Do you wanna hear the back story?
Everything in my body says no,
(audience laughing)
but yes, let's hear the back story.
All right so you're Geralt of Rivia.
You're a witcher, and in this world
rifts have opened up where monsters have come in.
So as a result of that some people
use the resulting residual magic to
mutate themselves. I'm regretting asking you
(audience laughing) for the back story.
Deeply regretting it.
Continue.
So basically Geralt of Rivia, he's kind of adopted
this young girl named Ciri, child--
Wait there's a girl named Ciri?
Yeah. (audience laughing)
Is she the same one that tells you
information on the iPhone?
I don't think so.
Are we sure there's not a tie-in?
(laughing)
It's very suspicious to me that the witcher
befriends someone who happens to be the voice
of the iPhone.
And he does it with his pet crow Google.
(laughing)
There's the Southern, the emperor, Amur, Ahmer,
Emere, Amur
Emhyr?
He's the emperor of Nilfgaard, is what you need to know.
You didn't just say he's
the emperor of Nilfgaard, did you?
Well yeah, I mean that's his proper title.
Okay.
(laughing)
I'm the emperor of Milfgaard.
(audience laughing and cheering)
If ya know what I mean. (howls)
So the emperor of Nilfgaard--
You've gotta stop talking.
Okay, anyway--
You can't talk anymore
Okay anyway.
Here we go.
All right, so this is a battle
going on between the south and the north.
I know this is a battle.
That was a bird that just flew into someone's eye.
That's fantastic!
So that's Yennefer, who's our girlfriend.
Did you say Yennefer?
It's Jennifer.
No, it's Yennefer, Yennefer--
What do you mean it's Yennefer?
Just say Jennifer.
Her name is Yennefer.
We're in America!
(laughing)
And now, we're at Witcher Keep, banks of the Gwe,
oh my is that?
Oh, oh no they tricked me!
(laughing)
They tricked me into being turned on.
I got turned on by those feet coming out of the tub,
and it's a dude!
This game just outed me.
(laughing)
That totally was unfair.
Whoa!
Look at that!
Oh my God, look at that!
Why is he leaving?
Who leaves when a woman's sitting in a chair naked?
What's happening?
Make it freeze.
Make it freeze! I can't.
I can't! (audience laughing)
That's Yennefer, this is Yennefer.
That's Yennefer, okay.
If she's gonna be naked, I'll call her
whatever she wants to be called.
(audience laughing) She's Yennefer.
Talk to Yennefer?
Is there another verb there?
Besides talk to Yennefer?
It's just talk.
Okay.
So you wanna hit A there.
Yeah, okay, let's talk.
See, I thought Ciri could stand to wait a little longer.
Isn't there something you ought to be doing?
Yes.
(audience laughing)
Not now, Ciri awaits.
Isn't there something you ought to be doing?
Yes?
Not now, Ciri awaits.
(audience laughing)
Yes?
Isn't there something you ought to be doing?
Yes?
Not now, Ciri awaits.
I've been in this situation before.
(audience laughing)
This could take months.
Well, I don't care what realm you live in,
some things never change.
She's not in the mood.
Do you think it's possible
that later on she'll have sex with me?
I mean maybe, depending.
There are 36 different endings to this game, so...
Oh my God.
As long as one of 'em's happy. (laughs)
(audience laughing and cheering)
I think at this point, what's fueling me,
is that it's clear that you can have sex
with a woman in this game.
Right.
I wanna do whatever it takes to make that happen.
That would be a new frontier for me.
I've never done that.
Okay.
Show me the letter from Yennefer.
So we're looking for Yennefer.
Yes.
We're looking for the lady who we saw naked before.
It does smell of lilac and gooseberries.
Lilac and gooseberries? (audience laughing)
How's it look?
How far behind Yennefer are we?
Well, we were only a few feet behind her,
but then we sat and talked,
for six days.
And now she's far away in the land of Zibzar.
(laughing)
Ghouls are coming!
All right here we go.
(screaming) Ah, we're killing!
Yeah!
Yes!
Yeah, run over to the ghoul.
Look, he's actually doing yard work.
(audience laughing)
Must, clean this area.
C'mon ghoul!
(sword clanging)
We killed everything.
Great job. Okay, now where?
Now we're gonna skip ahead.
Let's go to sex island!
(laughing)
I want an erotic adventure!
Okay, okay.
So where are we now?
We're on the Skellige Isles.
Yeah.
And one of the biggest things the witcher gains,
is you hunt down monsters.
Yes, hunting monsters seems to be a theme.
Yep.
Let's walk around, let's talk to Byorg.
Oh hey, I bumped into him!
Yeah.
They hunt come dusk or dawn.
They attack fisherman wieldin' just oars and warriors alike.
You know what these people like?
A nice long chat.
(laughing)
The gabbiest gang of people I've ever met.
Do you know which way he went?
Well it puts me in mind of a tale.
(laughing)
How much time have ya got?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll take the job.
I'll take the job.
Yeah, so we're gonna go, keep going up.
Ho!
Hey, watch it!
It's just an island of people bumping into each other.
Look at that.
Oh!
Oh, what, I'm sorry.
Sorry, island not quite big enough.
Down towards the water,
we think the drowners are down here.
You know what?
Drowners probably hang out near the water.
(laughing)
Watch this.
(sword clanging)
Nice.
Ah!
Yeah! Take that!
Finally, action!
Now hold the left trigger.
We're gonna use our witcher power.
It says chicken sandwich.
Oh yeah, we have a chicken sandwich.
(laughing)
Well all these, mystical realms,
you must go to Vrockvreek,
you must talk to the drowners about the Seiglord, ah.
Chicken sandwich.
(laughing)
Look at that.
Look at all the food he has.
He has mugs of beer.
He's got nuts and berries.
Oh, he's got apple juice.
Yeah, so--
What is have, is he in kindergarten?
(laughing)
Time for my apple juice and graham cracker.
Then time for a nap and story.
Where is his sex finder?
(laughing)
Does he have a sex finder?
I'm just gonna go kill.
Yeah, yeah.
No more apple juice.
X and Y, go for it.
Go for it, X and Y.
Right trigger.
That's a lotta guys.
(fire spell exploding) Yeah!
I killed them all!
Wow, all right.
There's a time for talking, and there's a time
for fighting-- (fire explodes)
Oh! Oh, whoops!
What happened? Oh no, I killed you!
Why did you kill me?
I thought it-- You leaned over
to help me, and you blew me up!
Ah, I'm never getting laid now!
Right, sorry about that.
Oh!
Well, I'm just a little on fire.
This must be a water hag's lair.
Water hag?
With our luck this is where we have the sex.
(laughing)
With a water hag.
You know, let's get a look at her too in the light.
If she's halfway decent, I'm ready to go.
(laughing)
I swear to God at this point,
the water hag is looking good to me.
I'll just have one or two of those beers.
Oh, there she is!
Eh, he, he, he, he, I'll do it!
Uh, that's okay, water hag.
No, really, let's do it, I'm naked.
Oh my God, she needs a bra.
(screaming) Burn, water hag, burn!
(screaming) I was willing to do it with you!
(audience laughing)
Water hag's dead!
Yes!
Maybe we should just, we could skip to uh,
you wanna see some like, naked girls?
Yes!
(audience laughter)
Okay, we're gonna skip to some naked girls.
Is this the sexy bathhouse?
Yes.
Oh hello!
Yeah.
Wha!
Oo!
Oh, sorry! Ugh!
There's two naked women right here.
Do I talk to them?
You can try to talk to them.
I don't know if anything'll happen.
In my experience,
it won't.
(laughing)
Oh!
Jackass!
This is the kingdom of Blueballsa.
(laughing)
I think we gotta talk to these gang leaders.
Try talking to about nine different women,
got nowhere.
Now we're in the sausage hut.
(audience laughing)
Got intruders.
Someone just snuck inside the bathhouse.
Let's kill everybody.
Yeah, yeah.
(weapon thudding)
Well I'll tell ya one thing about our hero,
he tied his towel very securely.
(laughing)
I can't walk three steps without my towel falling off.
(screaming) Now I'm just hitting the alcove.
I hate alcoves!
(laughing)
This guy is so sexually frustrated,
you know what's coming out of his hands?
His backed up semen.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Look at that, he sprayed it all over the place.
All right.
You get me to some sex!
Okay, okay.
Soon, or you're dead!
All right, all right.
There's one place that's, I think that's great with the sex.
This is the most erotic thing
that's happened in this game so far.
(audience laughing)
Is me choking Bley.
All right, I think there's a,
there's a good part with Yennefer, um.
Yennefer!
All right, so now we've been at a party with Yennefer.
We're going to steal this magical mask,
which is gonna be a compass to help us find Ciri.
You're saying if I complete this mission,
Yes.
Yennefer will be so impressed...
Yes.
I'm in.
Okay, all right. I'm in.
Go through that door. I have now have
my incentive.
Oh, there's Yennefer.
Talk to Yennefer?
Yes! Yes.
This is it!
(growling)
What's that growling?
Must be his penis growling.
(laughing)
She's happy!
Yes, yes.
She's happy, penis growling, ready,
(earth elemental growling) who's that?
(Aaron laughing)
Who the hell is that?
No, not now!
Everything was going well.
Cockblockula shows up.
(laughing)
Okay, no time for this shit.
(screaming)
(weapons clashing)
This creature isn't so bad.
It's just a burned pinata.
Yes!
Yes.
Where's Yennefer?
I saved her life.
Hello, saved your life!
What's he doing?
What's happening?
This could be it, this could be it,
this could be it, this could be it.
(audience laughing)
Oh!
Wait.
For what ?
We must talk to Crach.
No talking!
What?
When are you gonna finally burn this piece of junk?
(audience laughing)
(Conan shrieks)
Having sex on a stuffed unicorn!
Bley, get outta here.
Get out.
Get out!
(audience laughing and clapping)
Yen, let go of the mane. (chuckles)
(romantic music)
(audience laughing)
Uh, Witcher: The Wild Hunt comes out May 19th.
And um, it's the best thing that ever happened,
to me, in my whole life.
(audience cheering)
So, I'm gonna go.
(game case banging to floor)
Sorry about the crying at the end.
It's what I do.
(audience cheering and clapping)
(upbeat, happy music)