- I will take five suggestions
from random areas of the room,
then I'll do a freestyle rap about those suggestions.
- Woo!
- If you are in this area of the room,
what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Lesbian sex mafia!
- Oh great, cool. (laughter)
Yeah, it was gonna be a shit suggestion.
Then you added that final word and-
(laughter)
I'm not saying it's a great suggestion,
but it's a suggestion, so.
Lesbian sex mafia. Yeah.
Guys over here.
What would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Your life if you were a dog.
- My life, if I was a dog.
What type of dog do you think I would be?
- [Audience Member] Great Pyrenees.
- That was so quick from someone else!
(raucous laughter)
- Either, you are very quick
at assessing someone's personality
or you had a discussion before you made that suggestion
expecting my question.
I'm gonna have to ask you, what is a Great Pyrenees?
I'm not familiar with that breed of dog.
- [Audience Member] It's a French mountain dog.
So they're like about either from 75 to 100 pounds.
(laughter)
- I feel like for that, you know,
usually the rap is just me.
I feel like we should have a featured artist on this one.
Where I'm like, "Lemme tell you some facts
about 75 to 100 pounds, yeah."
Okay, so a French mountain dog.
So they're like, that's a reasonably large dog, yeah?
- [Audience Member] Yes.
- Okay, cool. Are they loyal?
- [Audience Member] Yeah, very.
- Good with kids? - [Audience Member] Great.
- Okay, cool. Yeah. That's good, right.
(laughter)
My life if I was a dog,
specifically a French Pyrenees.
Lesbian sex mafia.
Let's come to the middle of the room.
What would you guys like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Wax figurine curator.
- I didn't hear any of that but it sounded good.
- [Audience Member] Like, a wax figurine curator.
- A wax figurine curator.
- [Audience Member] Yeah.
- Yes. Okay.
Wow. That-
That's a great phrase.
Come over here. What do you guys want a rap about?
- [Audience Member] A monkey jockey on a goat.
- A monkey jockey on a goat.
(laughter) All right.
- Yeah. No, I just,
I feel like all of you might be slightly stoned.
(laughter)
Lesbian sex mafia, my life if I was a dog,
a wax figurine curator,
obviously I'm a French Pyrenees,
and a monkey jockey on a goat.
Guys over here, it's actually a pretty good collection
of suggestions so far.
So you've got the kind of pressure of not fucking it up.
So what would you, what would you like a rap about?
- [Audience Member] Chinese soup dumplings.
- Chinese soup dumplings. - Woo!
- Okay. Wow. That's the most popular one so far.
(laughter)
Great. Chinese soup dumplings.
Well, this then, lovely people is,
it's gonna be a freestyle.
That's a rap song on the spot based entirely suggestions.
Not really. Not prepared, not rehearsed.
And don't worry,
it's not going to be nearly as atrociously fast
as you're expecting it to be. Let's drop that beat.
A let's have some bloody fun about all this shit.
(excited yells)
(rap beat playing)
- If I was the dog, I'd be pissing on trees.
Lift up my leg and I bend at the knees.
People walk past saying, "What is this?"
I'm like "Bonjour, French Pyrenees!"
(laughter) (indistinct rapping)
There's a woof woof sound
out of the side of my mouth,
I have real fun, it's the best of the jobs.
Fuck doing comedy, I'd be living as a dog.
I'd be walking around, getting all the bitches.
Have fun on the field with the big stick.
I'd be running around, going where I want.
And when I want to sleep I just do it,
'cause I don't give a fuck
about getting on the bed
or a cushion.
If I was a French one, yeah, my omission.
I'd be kind of distant from the ground,
I'd be weighing maybe like 90 pounds cause I'm
well-built
slim with the muscle, if you stole the stick from me
you're gonna be in trouble.
I'm coming over there and I follow you home.
I'm like bite, bite, bite
and I'm stealing the bone that you
took from me and we move on.
If you want to see a lady,
you could choose one to go with another, yeah
getting up in here
do a bit of scissoring when you in mafia,
like hmm. (laughter)
Yeah, I'm no stranger,
the lesbians jumping like a fire danger.
Checking them in bed with the horse's head
because that's what the mafia do
when they said they could
make an offer that you can't refuse.
Lesbians, two ladies not two dudes.
Baby, I'll be there, being in the home scene
they be like, "Fuck the Corleones!
We're Becky, Bexie and Sarah,
we're having fun everybody is aware."
For sure, they're like, "Yo, I might thank you later.
I'll be onto the museum,
checking out the curator."
Like, what's your approach?
How do you attack?
Getting all the sculptures made of the wax.
He's like, "Well, I'm ever so glad you asked.
I've got a big list and I'm up to the task.
I try and figure out who's famous now
who will come to the museum who will draw the crowds.
And so Meghan and Harry, yes we get them in the hallway,
but other people now we ignore them."
Not as exciting.
So I get a big sculpture. I come in,
he's like, "I don't need to win, soldier."
Can you get this celebrity from angles?
He'd be like, "Yes. Have you got some candles?"
'Cause that's the raw material they need to use
(laughter and cheers) (indistinct rapping)
Ever so fun, yeah, go and enjoy it
and what was the thing over here?
What were you employing?
Remind me, I've got it, yeah.
Want the base pumping, off to Chinatown,
for some soup dumplings.
I need a big spoon, it's a craze,
Y'all, I'm eating all the little hot liquid on the ladle.
And then I'm like, oh yeah, what I say,
the little shrimp wants har gow today.
I put it right in my mouth,
it's number one, but the cheapest on the menu,
probably the wonton.
When it's there, in the soup in the market,
I'm ever so hungry, the spices start it.
It starts flaring up in my belly and I'm like, feeling silly
cause I got the dumplings with an extra bit of extra chili.
And now my mind over there, my brain's gone flat.
So remind me, shout it out from the back.
- [Audience Member] A monkey jockey on a goat!
- Of course, how can we forget it?
It's not even a horse.
It's not even a man like Frankie de Tori,
two different animals in his story.
The one down there, yeah you're flipping your lid.
It's not a dog, sadly, it's a goat or a kid.
That's what the juvenile ones they are called.
And then you think it was a guy on top
with being really small. But he's not, yeah,
he's furry but still hunky.
Ride that goat! What the fuck, it's a monkey?
Going up and down-
(laughter and cheers) (indistinct rapping)
Coming up, Tambo!
Goes over the line and then he wins.
He's like, "Yeah, I'm better than all of these chimps!"
Fuck the gorillas, fuck the orangutans,
and the other one,
yeah, they can't even stand.
They can't be, it's such a shame.
They'll never be in the wax museum hall of fame.
(cheers and applause)