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As parents, one of our main objectives
is to raise children that are mature,
independent and responsible.
Every parent wants to achieve this goal.
We all wanna grow old
while seeing our children become responsible adults,
people who take accountability for themselves
and their own actions,
people can internally motivate themselves.
We want them to be good decision makers,
to know how to build good relationships,
to be able to deal with the ups and downs of life.
So how do we get them there?
For a lot of parents,
their overwhelming love for their kids
leads them to commandeer most of their kids' lives.
They think that their kid can only be successful
if they're there protecting them at every turn of life.
So the parent is there overseeing everything
that their child does or has to deal with,
hovering over every decision that they make.
The parent makes it their personal job
to ensure that their child is in the right school,
in the right classes,
getting the right grades,
getting the right awards.
If the child is struggling with a school project,
the parent is there to help them finish that project
and get good grades.
If the child gets a bad grade,
they'll burst into the teacher's office
demanding to know why the grade was so low.
I'm sure I'm describing somebody that you know.
We end up acting like not only the child's parent,
but their maid and their secretary
and their personal handler.
And we think it's so important for them to get good grades,
to get into a good school
and the only way you're gonna have a good future is
to get good grades and get into a good university.
So you gotta focus on school
and maybe a few extracurriculars
that will look good on your application for college.
Forget about doing chores.
Forget about being responsible for anything else.
Forget about cleaning your room,
forget about doing your laundry.
You drop some milk in the kitchen,
forget about it,
I'll clean it for you.
You just go do your homework.
I know what I'm describing
is a familiar picture for many people.
And I know it's hard for parents
to sometimes resist the urge of hijacking
all their child's decisions.
After all, we think we've had so many life experiences.
We wanna make sure our children are benefiting
from our experiences.
Why should they go through things that we had to go through?
Stop, you're not helping your child.
And I can tell you as a community leader
that I've seen the result of this style of parenting.
Of the don't worry about anything
except schoolwork style of parenting.
The child might actually do well in school.
They might actually get to a good university.
They might actually graduate,
maybe even with a post-secondary degree,
with a master's even a PhD.
And yet, they grow up as an adult
who doesn't really know how to manage their life.
Who still, even in their thirties,
they might rely on their parents to micromanage their life
and make every decision for them.
All of a sudden, we expect them to go
from doing nothing and just studying
to being able to assume the responsibility
of getting married, having kids, being responsible.
It's overwhelming for them.
A lot of people struggle and sometimes fail
trying to achieve that.
This is setting up our kids for failure.
They become adults but unable to become mature,
unable to be independent,
unable to be responsible for themselves.
It's not what we want for our kids.
So how do we set them up for success?
How do we help them grow into being independent,
mature, responsible adults?
Number one, give your children responsibility.
When Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la speaks about
the guardian of an orphan.
And when that guardian should give the orphan
their inheritance and set them on their way.
Allah says "Waibtaloo alyatama hatta itha balaghoo
alnnikaha fa-in anastum minhum rushdan faidfaAAoo
ilayhim amwalahum"
Allah says, "Test the competence of the orphan
until they reached the marriageable age.
Then if you feel that they are capable of sound judgment,
return their wealth to them."
This verse means that when the orphan reaches the age
of puberty or adulthood,
that their guardian should test
their competence and maturity.
Then if the guardian sees that they're of sound judgment,
then they should return their wealth to them.
So how do they test them?
In the Tafsir of this verse,
scholars mentioned examples
such as the guardian sending the orphan
to go purchase something.
Then they evaluate.
What did they purchase?
Did they purchase the correct item?
Did they get ripped off?
Did they get a good price?
And through these tests,
if the guardian sees the orphan is demonstrating maturity
and responsibility,
then they must give the orphan their inheritance.
Why is this important?
Because if Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la is telling us
to test the maturity,
the responsibility of children
by giving them tasks.
That we can also understand that through tasks giving,
we can also build up a child's sense of maturity
and responsibility and competence.
According to the Harvard Grant Study,
which is the longest study of its kind,
an ongoing research program
that has been compiling data for over 75 years.
It found that there are two very important factors
for someone to be happy and successful in their life.
First, that they grow up in a loving home.
Second, that they learn to do chores
from an early age.
Yes, professional success is directly correlated
with having done chores as a child
and the earlier the better.
So when a parent tells their child
don't worry about anything,
just focus on studying.
You're actually hurting them when it comes
to their studying and their professional success.
And this is something I noticed anecdotally
in my own community.
A lot of families didn't think it was important
for their daughters to be academically driven.
So they expected that their daughters would do chores
and cooking and cleaning.
And yeah, they would also go to school
and their sons, meanwhile, with their sons
they thought it was very important
for them to be academically driven.
So they raised them with the idea
of you focus only on school.
Don't focus on anything else.
You don't have to cook and clean or anything else.
They don't have expectations for their chores
and other tasks around the house.
And again, this is anecdotal
but I did witness that on average
the daughters in our community did well academically
and professionally and personally.
They became adults
and they had healthy homes,
got married, had children.
And many of the sons suffered in many of these ways.
And this experience is seen in the raw data.
The best way to prepare your kids for life
for them to be successful academically and professionally,
is for them to do certain tasks and chores
from a young age.
It teaches them responsibility.
It teaches them the value of hard work.
It gifts them with a sense of accomplishment
when they complete their tasks.
Number two, the second important tool
in helping our children become independent,
mature and responsible is that as parents,
we need to make it a practice to consult our children
and to allow them to make their own decisions.
Often as parents, we make every decision for our child.
We want our child to benefit from our experience.
But in reality, our religion teaches us
to seek the consultation of others,
When prophet Ibrahim Alayhi Salaam receives a dream
that he is slaughtering his son Ismail
and he knows that the dreams
of the prophets are revelation from God.
And that what he's being asked to do is a big decision.
What does he do?
He seeks the advice of his son.
Even though Ismail is only 12 or 13 years old at the time.
falammā balagha maʿahu l-saʿya qāla yābunayya
innī arā fī l-manāmi annī adhbaḥuka fa-unẓur mādhā tarā
Allah says that,
when the boy reached the age to work with,
Ibrahim said to him,
"Oh my son, I see in a dream that I am sacrificing you.
What do you think?"
He asks his son, what do you think?
What do you think about this dream?
What do you think it means?
What do you think I should do?
These are deeply important questions.
A literal question of life and death
and prophet Ibrahim seeks his son's advice for it.
He consults him about his opinion.
No doubt, prophet Ibrahim must have already
been consulting his son
on other issues throughout his childhood.
And through this prophet Ismail gains knowledge
and insights and decision-making capability.
This is why his response,
even as a young man, 12 or 13 years old,
is one that is incredibly mature and wise.
He says "qāla yāabati if'ʿal mā tu'maru satajidunī in shāa
l-lahu mina l-ṣābirīn"
He says, "Oh my dear father, do as you have been commanded
and you will find me, God-willing,
to be of those who are steadfast."
His answer subhanAllah is so mature.
Not only does he advise his father
to follow the commandments of God
but he doesn't even say for sure,
I'll be able to do this.
He says, Inshallah, I will be steadfast knowing
that when the moment comes,
it will be very difficult to sacrifice his life.
This process of consulting
our children is one that our prophet,
Muhammad Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam would also do.
Even when there were serious issues.
For instance, when claims were made about the family
of our prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
the prophet sat down
and consulted Ali ibn Abi Talib and Usama ibn Zayd
Radi Allahu `anhuma
And he asked their opinion about what he should do.
And at this time Usama ibn Zayd
was only 12 years old,
but he's growing up in the house of the prophet
and here's the prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
asking his advice about a deeply personal
and critically important issue.
When it comes to important issues that come up in our lives.
Should I take this job or not?
Should I move from one city or another or not?
One house or another or not?
should I invest in this project or not?
Do we consult our children?
Do we ask their opinion?
We should.
It gives them a window into our decision-making process
and it better prepares them
for when they have to make decisions themselves.
What we don't want is to not consult them
and also to make every decision in their life.
Then all of a sudden they become adults
and they don't know how to make good decisions
because they never had the opportunity to do so
or the training to do so.
They've never learned from a failed decision.
They've never learned how to think through decisions.
We didn't prepare them for it.
Instead look at our prophet,
Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam in a gathering
with some elders and tribal leaders.
And a cup of drink has been passed around
as is the custom,
you drink and you pass the cup to the one next to you.
Yet the prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
is sitting next to a young boy.
And there are elders in the gathering.
The prophet doesn't,
as many adults would do,
skip the boy and give the cup to the adults and the elders.
Instead, he doesn't pretend like the child doesn't exist
and make a decision on his behalf.
Rather, the prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
asks the boy,
do you give me permission to give this to the elders?
He asks him and allows him to decide for himself.
Giving our children the opportunity
to make their own decisions
to consult them on decisions that we make.
These are powerful opportunities to allow our children
to grow into responsible, mature adults.
We ask Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
to aid us in raising our kids
to be responsible, mature and strong adults.
Ameen.