- Hi, this is Marisa,
and today I'm talking about something really important.
What to do when you are living with a covert narcissist.
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Narcissists are actually incredibly difficult to deal with
because their belief is there's nothing wrong with them
and everything is wrong with everybody else.
And, in fact, I train amazing therapists all over the world
and the few people we don't treat,
we don't treat very much, are narcissists.
So if you are living with a covert narcissist,
here's your life.
Everything is your fault.
Everything is wrong with you.
Nothing you're going to do will ever make
your narcissistic partner or parent get better,
because there's nothing wrong with them
and everything is wrong with you.
And everything is wrong with people.
Remember Narcissist fell in love with his own reflection.
What he liked about himself,
of course, you can be a female narcissist.
So, if you are living with a covert narcissist,
you're married to one,
you're dating one,
you've married into a family where
your mother-in-law, father-in-law,
your parent is one,
do not try to change yourself to make them better.
And don't try to change them.
Don't ever go, "Hey, you know Mom,
you know what you were complaining about?
Well, I found something that will help you."
Because they don't need help.
And if you put in the effort,
"Okay, I seem to really antagonise my Mom
when I do this or that.
Why don't I change my behaviour?"
It's a complete waste of your time.
Narcissists are very unhappy
but they never look at themselves.
Oddly enough,
because Narcissist fell in love with his reflection,
that sounds very odd.
Narcissists do not ever look at their own behaviour.
They don't question it.
They'll say "Everyone else is wrong, I'm always right."
I met one and she said to me
"You know what, the problem is I'm never wrong.
I'm always right.
Everyone else is wrong".
And that's hard work.
So I'd love to say, you know, I've got in my pocket
a bit of advice I can give you to make your life better.
Well, actually I have.
Stop trying to change yourself.
You will never make them better by changing you.
Keep doing what you've always done.
Live your life.
Understand that person is in deep pain
and its not your fault
and you can't make their pain better.
When someone comes to me and goes
"Here's my pain. Could you make it better?"
I go "Yeah, but you have to participate
in your recovery".
If an alcoholic comes to me and goes
"Hey Marisa, can you take away my alcoholism?"
"Yes, if you join me you've got to do things as well.
I can help them recover from almost anything
if they participate in the recovery.
Not long ago, a son sent me his narcissistic mother
and said she's driving me crazy. Please do something.
And as I began to work, she said to me
"You know, I shan't listen to any recording you make me.
I said "well"
She said "I shan't listen to it.
I don't listen to anything you know".
And then she said "Nobody can ever help me".
And I said "You sound really proud of it".
She goes "I am, I'm very proud.
People like you can't help me".
And I felt immensely sorry for her son
but when I said again
"You're so proud of the fact that
nobody can help you"
It did make her stop and think
and I just had to go back to him and go look, you know,
I can only help you.
Don't let it in.
And surely, after I told him about his mother
and said you must not let in what she says,
he called me and said
"You know what, my mother really surpassed herself.
I went to visit her and as I left she said to me
"I hope you get cancer and die,
and then you'll know what its like
to be in the kind of pain that I'm in"."
And he said "I looked and went
Mom, even for you, that's a bit hardcore don't you think?".
He said "I'm not going to let that in"
and he said "I went away and I thought wow.
I would have been on the floor with pain and sadness
that my mother said that
and I remembered well its not about me.
I don't have to let it in".
You know that not letting in other people's criticism
can change your entire life, like that.
Because you have a choice.
You have a choice when living with anyone that's critical
or difficult or withholding,
to not let it in.
One of my clients said recently,
"I asked my narcissistic parent are you proud of me?
and they went "For what? What you have ever done
that could make me proud of you?.
You haven't even suffered enough to understand how I feel."
And now they have a choice.
Shall I go away and go wow, I'm so hurt?
I asked my parent "Are you proud of me?,
and you know I'm working every day to make them proud.
Buying them stuff, giving them stuff,
doing stuff.
Being a straight A kid
and now a straight A adult
and they went "Am I proud of you? For what?"
But you have a choice.
Don't let it in.
So my best advice for anyone living with a covert narcissist
is don't let in their criticism.
If you're dating one, here's better advice,
get out, leave.
Do not marry a narcissist.
Never let a narcissist parent your children
because they will always be wrong.
And you know if they will kill themselves,
you know what they say when they leave a note?
Somebody made them wrong.
If you are always right,
what do you think the other person is?
Of course, they are always wrong
and, by the way, if this is ringing bells with you,
please like it, please share it.
Many people come to me and say "Wow, I went home
and I did what you said.
I Googled Narcissistic Personality Disorder"
and then they suddenly have an ah-ha moment.
That's my Mom, that's my Dad, that's my brother.
That's who they are and I don't have to change them
I have to change me.
You see, when you have a great mind
and I promise you have a great mind,
you do have a choice.
Here's your choice.
Rationalise why I feel so bad with this difficult
covert narcissism
or talk myself out of feeling bad.
It's their issue. It doesn't have to be my issue.
And I want to tell you something else
that's really important.
One of the things that is a major cause of depression
is harsh, hurtful, critical words
that you hear about yourself on a daily basis.
When you say harsh, hurtful, critical words to yourself,
that will cause depression.
When a parent says it,
its very likely to make you feel depressed
unless you choose to not let it in.
So remember the man whose mother said
"I hope you get cancer and die".
Remember the mother who said to her kid
"You haven't suffered enough to be successful.
You have to suffer like me to even understand me".
And each of those who will have a choice.
Shall I let those words destroy me
or shall I choose to not let it in.
Now let me recap very quickly.
You cannot change a narcissist.
You can't earn their love,
you can't buy their love,
you can't work for their love.
You can't earn their respect,
you can't buy it, you can't chase it
because they are withholders.
Everyone is wrong in the whole world except for them
and a narcissist's job is to make you wrong
so they can be right
and they like that job
and they very rarely retire.
Occasionally narcissists, when they lose their looks,
get a little bit better, a little bit easier,
a little bit softer.
But not always.
Do not try to change them. Change yourself.
If they happen to be your parent
and you have this duty to be around them
be around them less.
But if you're dating one, leave.
If you're about to marry one, reconsider.
If you're thinking of bringing a child into the world
with a narcissist, don't do it.
There's enough people you can find love with.
Narcissists are hard work. They are difficult.
I have the best therapy method in the world.
We have won so many awards and, even I,
very rarely treat narcissists.
I did recently work with four children of a narcissist.
She had systematically damaged each of those kids.
I made them so much better.
She was absolutely furious and she banned her husband
from bringing them to see me.
One of them was bulimic, one of them was anorexic.
And she'd say "Well, why aren't you beautiful like me.
Look at me. How have I had these fat, ugly, children
I don't understand
Why aren't you smart like me".
And I worked so hard to make those kids feel better
and it made her so annoyed, she stopped them coming.
And I don't even work with narcissists.
I did it because her husband begged me to.
But I knew that she would step in and stop it
because she couldn't bear me helping them.
Because the only person who could help them was her.
And she was never going to help them
because everything was wrong with them.
She was a perfect parent.
They were just ungrateful kids.
You get the picture.
If you're living with one and you can leave, leave.
Do not waste any time making them better.
And if you can't leave and you have to stay
because you're already married
and you've got children together,
work on yourself, work on your kids.
Let that person work out their own issue,
which they probably never will.
I wish you every success.
Life is wonderful.
Take control of your thoughts.
Take control of who you are.
Remember the whole law of control begins like this.
Your thoughts control your feelings.
Your feelings control your actions,
and your actions control your events.
And if you started going
well, you know, my partner was so critical
the day is ruined now.
What's the point?
You've allowed your thoughts to dictate your feelings,
to dictate your events.
And if you decide to go,
well that's a bitter, unhappy, person.
But I'm going to choose to have a great day regardless.
That's going over my head.
I don't have to let it in.
Then you are changing your thoughts,
which are changing your feelings,
which are changing your actions.
When you can take control of your thoughts,
your life is amazing.
When you can make your thoughts positive, no matter what,
your life is phenomenal.
Make your life phenomenal.
And remember, help other people cope better too
by liking, sharing, and subscribing to the channel
so I can help you more
and you can help other people more.
Have a great day.
Thanks for tuning in.
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