- If you have got a beautiful heart, a beautiful soul,
if you are a kind person, a caring person,
a warm, giving person, you are already
deeply, powerfully beautiful.
So there has been an epidemic of something
called "Zoom dysmorphia," what is that?
It's people going on to a Skype or a Zoom or a FaceTime
and going, "Oh, no, I don't like the way I look.
"I'm looking at myself in this meeting,
"and all I can see is that my face is a bit lopsided,
"my teeth don't look right, my skin doesn't look right,
"everything looks wrong."
And because of this, there's been an epidemic in people
making appointments, even in the height of COVID,
to have corrective cosmetic surgery.
And the first thing to understand
is that when you see yourself in a mirror,
you're seeing your reflection, but it's been reversed.
So it often doesn't really look like you
because you're seeing a reversed reflection.
Then when you see yourself on Zoom,
you go, "Oh, that's not how I look in the mirror,
"it just looks wrong."
Second thing to understand is whatever you look for
in life, you will find. This is the rule of the mind,
whatever you look for, you'll find.
And you can look in a mirror and go, "Oh my God, look at all this stuff wrong."
And if you look for it, you'll find it.
And if you stop that, and you must stop that, and look for, "Look, I look nice.
"I look kind, I look pretty good.
"I've got a nice smile, I've got something interesting to say,"
because here's the thing, we're all on Zoom meetings.
None of us are supermodels.
Your boss, on a Zoom meeting, is listening
to what you have to say.
He doesn't really care if you've got a zit
or your hair isn't perfect.
He doesn't care.
He cares about what you are contributing.
And it's a shame that the world has become obsessed
with our looks because our looks are the wrapping,
it's the wrapping, but the real you,
the real beauty, is who you are inside.
That's what makes you beautiful, your smile, your energy,
your kindness. Roald Dahl said that.
He said, "When you're a kind person,
"you will always look beautiful
"no matter how many wrinkles you have.
"When you're a mean person and a cruel person,
"you'll never look beautiful," and I love that.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
There are standards of beauty, and your standards
may be completely different to someone else's.
After all, in that movie, 'American Beauty,'
the guy that got with the girl who wasn't beautiful, said,
"You're beautiful, and your friend is not beautiful.
"And she knows it because she didn't have a beautiful heart."
So when you look at yourself on screen,
don't get consumed at peering at your face,
looking at yourself, going, "Oh, no, I need to improve myself."
You don't need to improve yourself.
You need to be yourself, like yourself.
Remember, you've got something amazing to offer
in your workplace, at your workforce.
You have something to offer.
After all, Maya Angelou, who I passionately loved,
was not a classical beauty, nobody cares.
We listened to what she said.
And she said something amazing,
"People don't remember what you said,
"don't remember what you look like.
"They remember how you made them feel."
I grew up with a stunningly beautiful mother,
but she was very obsessed with being beautiful.
And I had a grandmother who was a grandmother,
she had lots of wrinkles, and she was a little overweight.
And, to me, she was the most beautiful person in the world
because she was so kind, she was interested in me.
And I've always thought of her
as the most beautiful person in my life.
And when I had my little baby, I thought she, too,
was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen.
But later, I looked at pictures and thought, "Yeah,
"wow, when she was a newborn, she had a little gummy smile."
And, of course, baby's eyes don't move at the same time,
so they often look cross-eyed,
and she wasn't actually as beautiful as I thought she was
when I just delivered her, but, to me,
she was always beautiful.
When you have a pet, you go, "I love my pet's wonky smile,"
or, "Funny little grin," or, "Their lopsided ears."
It is your uniqueness that makes you beautiful.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
When you go on a Zoom, make the best of yourself,
wear clean, pressed clothes, have good lighting
if that's important to you, but understand
what you have to say is so much more important
than what you look like. What are you delivering?
What are you bringing to the table?
What are you showing up with?
If it was all about being beautiful,
every beautiful person would be happy.
And I can promise you, I see many, many supermodels,
top actresses who are stunning, breathtakingly stunning.
And they're unhappy.
They're unhappy because they don't feel connected.
They always worry that people don't like them.
They often have insecure boyfriends
who think they're going to leave them.
And if beauty made you happy,
then everyone who was beautiful would be ecstatically happy.
We know that that is not true.
You're beautiful inside.
Remember that song? I think it's by One Direction,
"That's what makes you beautiful."
If you have got a beautiful heart, a beautiful soul,
if you are a kind person, a caring person,
a warm, giving person,
you are already deeply, powerfully beautiful.
Forget about the image on the screen, that is not you.
It's a snapshot, and we can look different every day.
We can go through pictures and go, "I look amazing in that one,
"I look awful in that one."
It's the lighting, it's the moment, be yourself.
When you go on screen, put your shoulders back,
take a deep breath, speak with confidence.
And please don't be concerned about what you look like,
and do not even consider getting surgery.
When I was a new therapist, I had so many surgeons saying,
"I need to refer you to this client.
"They just had their nose done
"and now they go, 'I want my chin done.
"'I need my cheeks done, I need my ears done.
"'My eyes aren't quite right.'"
And most people having surgery to correct one thing said,
"Oh, now I need to correct more."
I would have women who'd had breast implants done
six times, constantly changing them.
Don't do that, there are people out there,
we're not going to name any names,
who've had so much surgery and are still having more and more and more.
Look at Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson,
when he was on that album cover of 'Off the Wall,'
he was gorgeous, he had an afro,
he looked amazing, and he was beautiful just the way he was.
And yet, he had more surgery and more surgery.
Did it make him happy? No, it made him miserable.
He began a race to try and look perfect that never ended.
And that ruined his life, and you should never have,
if you can have it, more than... I believe it's 10 anesthetics
in your entire lifetime. Sometimes, you have to have more,
you've had an accident, you've got an issue,
but do not pursue surgery to make you look better.
It doesn't work, you have to love who you are.
In fact, the true way to feel great about yourself
and to know you're beautiful
is to love yourself the way you are right now.
When you come at it with, "I hate myself.
"I hate my nose, I hate my hair.
"I hate my eyes, I hate my skin.
"I hate my lips, I hate my teeth.
"I hate my body, I need a liposuction.
"I need something.
"I need something snipped off or injected in,"
that is not love, that is abuse.
That is self-hatred.
When you start from, "I don't like myself.
"So what can I change?"
that doesn't make you feel good about yourself,
then you think, "Well, what else can I change?
"I need to do more and more."
Start from self-love, love yourself exactly the way you are.
And don't do this terribly sad thing of,
"I saw myself on a Zoom meeting.
"I'm canceling a date, I'm canceling.
"I'm going to go and have corrective surgery
"before I see anyone," because here's the truth
about you and me and everyone on the planet,
we are all flawed.
We are flawed inside and we're flawed outside.
And the best we can ever have is a flawed relationship
with another person who is flawed.
I'm flawed, you're flawed.
Let's celebrate our flaws
and have a beautiful, flawed relationship.
If you could have corrective surgery and
make yourself look perfect, I promise you wouldn't be happy.
And guess what?
If you were perfect, how could you connect?
Because here's the truth.
The basis of all friendship is this,
we choose people who share our vulnerability,
to go, "I love my husband's wonky grin.
"I love my baby's little, fat knees."
Your vulnerabilities allow you to connect.
Perfect people, or people who appear perfect,
are two things, they're usually dissatisfied
and they're usually alone. We feel intimidated by them
and in awe of them. Be a real person, living a real life.
Be happy with who you are because who you are is enough.
It always has been, it always will be.
And you're perfect just the way you are.
You don't need to change anything,
fall in love with who you are.
And I promise you, the world will follow your lead
when you accept who you are,
rather than keep changing who you are,
because that never ends and it doesn't bring happiness.