I would be much less effective and successful at helping people if I didn't do this I want
you to know you are not powerless you do not have to hit rock bottom and there are many
things you can do to help an addicted loved one if you want to be back in control of your life
subscribe to this channel and I'll make sure you are always five steps ahead of addiction
now I know that on most of my video I'm always telling you about how when you're dealing with
an addicted loved one you need to hold things back don't say everything you're
thinking hold your feelings in be positive I'm always telling you that stuff and I know
what you're thinking you're thinking okay when do I get to say what I think and feel
when do I get to confront them with the truth and that's why this video is going to be your
favorite there are lots of things you can do and today I'm going to tell you one of the big
ones which is how to confront someone who has an addiction now when I was like a little baby intern
counselor like not even out of grad school one of my first jobs was in this psychiatric hospital
now this hospital dealt with a lot of things like the most serious of serious mental health
problems but one of the things they is they had a unit for teenagers who were
seriously struggling like suicidal like addicted like having psychosis like the
big stuff do you feel there are any major problems you have to deal with
and this is where I spent a lot of time in my early days as a counselor and I
learned a lot of lessons but where I really learned about therapeutic confrontation was
from Cindy S the thetherapist now one of the things I had to do as a little
baby intern was I used to have to come in like on the weekends and
after hours and I have to walk around have this like orange plastic clipboard
I had to walk around the hospital and pull patients aside a lot of times it
was teenagers and get their like history from them like where are they from why
are they there you know what's their family background like just get their whole history
it was like this three page pretty lengthy assessment I had to do
and as part of that assessment I'd actually have to call the person's family member whoever
was on their like release of information or their contact and I would have to ask
them you know what they thought about the situation and get some information
from them now one of the first times that I call one of these teenagers parents The
parent was kind of fussing saying that the teenager was complaining about the
therapist Cindy s saying how she said this mean thing and she said that mean thing
I just sort of listened and took some notes down and said okay I'll check into it and
then kind of got off the phone because at this point I never even met Cindy s
yet so I'm still in this teenager unit and I'm asking like the staff
over there I'm like this parent said this about the therapist like what do you think
and they were saying yes Cindy S can be like pretty confrontational like she's direct she
calls it like it is and sometimes people get upset about it and in my little baby counselor
heart I thought oh gosh can't believe she said that was terrible and like wow she's
just she's just out of bounds that's what I thought in my little baby counselor head
but then I got to meet Cindy s and I got to sit in on a lot of groups that she did and
let me tell you what those staff were right about cindy S she was pretty confrontational
she definitely called it like it was but you know what those kids loved her for it
really I know I was so surprised too I would've thought that they would've just hated her guts
but when she wasn't on the unit and she wasn't in group I would sometimes ask the
kids you know about like what they thought and what was going on they was always really liked
Cindy even though she definitely called them out on their BS and that's how I learned that
a teenager or an adult or anybody else for that matter isn't going to respect you if they think
you're just an idiot and that you're naive and they can get anything and everything over on you
now when you take that little nugget of knowledge and you mix it with Cindy G's
little nugget of knowledge about that's not the hill I want to die on meaning you
specifically pick the important things that you want to go head to head about now you
have a really good combination because actually it's a hundred percent true
yes I am super nice to my clients I like to say I'm like the nicest addiction counselor
ever I'm surprised they don't kick me out of the addiction counselor
clan but I'm validating I'm positive I see their strengths but I'm really direct when
someone tells me something I know is just pure bs I will definitely call that out
I might say something
mm I feel like there's more to that story or Mm are you sure about that or tell me a little bit
more I feel like there's some more behind there I don't know and sometimes I'll just flat out say
mm not believing you what else you got I don't believe you and you know what it works
not only does it work but I feel really solid I would be much less effective and
successful at helping people if I didn't do this because actually people want to
know that you know what you're talking about and that you're not just an idiot
well in what way are you qualified they respect you more and they like you more
and as long as you follow the rules about confronting someone number one
first thing you need to do is ask yourself why do I want to call this person out on
this particular issue because most the time when I hear something I don't call
it out I specifically pick and choose when to call someone out and when not
and so when you're getting ready to do this you need to think to yourself am I just wanting to
call this out because I'm angry because I'm tired of being treated like an idiot because
I want you to know that I know or maybe you're just mad at them and you just want to throw
something in their face if that's the case go ahead and do it however you want to but
you have to realize when you do it then you're just doing that for your own personal reasons
you're not doing it to effectively help them you see that's the thing
I call people out when I think it's going to help them or it needs to be said so we
can get to the underlying issue or to the real truth of something what if I said it
why say it most of the little gentlemen I just let pass because it doesn't matter
now if you've asked yourself this question and you've decided that you're calling it
out because it's important and it needs to be called out not for your own personal sake
but maybe for the sake of the family or so that we can get things moving in the
right direction now we're on the right track if that's the case you can move on
to these next set of rules as you work through them to figure out how to do it
if you're doing it just get off your chest because you're mad you just want to get it
out you don't have to follow the rules but realize it ain't going
to help them because you're trying to help get them to move along in their stages of
change then you have to go by these next guidelines first guideline never ever
do the calling out and the confrontation when you are upset which usually means probably don't
do it in the heat of the moment like when it first occurs to you let it settle let it roll
around in your brain a little bit and think it through before you just call it out because
when you're emotional you won't be able to think straight and you're more likely to make a mistake
or get defensive or reactive
number two guideline do this very sparingly and Amber's rule about is this going to help
us move forward in our situation number three be brief say it quickly do not go on and on
about it don't lecture about it don't turn it into a huge saying just say it next guideline
don't ask a question that you know the answer to if you know they were drinking
don't say were are you drinking say Hey I saw that you were drinking you're calm but you're
direct don't ask a question make a statement especially when you know the answer and a lot
of the times it's not even necessary to like wait for a response from the person
you can do like the drive by confrontation you can just sort of throw it out Hey I saw
this I noticed that I know this or that or whatever and then just keep on moving in fact
when you do it that way you don't leave room for a big argument or reactiveness
or defensiveness it's just like you just set it out there it's yours and move on
and that lets them process through the situation and gives them a little time to decide how they
want to react to your confrontation don't be angry or mad or crying be solid in what
you know and just say it and move on and if they continue to argue with you back that's
okay you don't have to get them to admit it or have a confession or agree that you're right
you're just saying Hey this is where I'm at with it this is what I think and then you're
moving on this is actually a very important strategy that you have to do from time to
time and it is very powerful and that's why it's important to do it the right way
at the right time and as you can imagine that involves dealing with your own anger about the
situation in a really effective way which is why I want you to watch this video next
I'm going to put it right up here for you it's
all about communicating when you're angry about something