-Two centrist Democrats
are holding Joe Biden's agenda hostage,
while Republicans threaten to crater the economy
as a negotiating tactic.
Oh, and also, we found out that the previous president
called a White House aide from Air Force One
to defend the size of his penis.
And I know one of those stories is bigger than the other,
but we can do both.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
No, I just meant that one of the stories
is bigger than the other. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, it had nothing to do with the size of your, you know.
No, I --
I didn't know a lot of people have been saying that, no.
Okay.
Alright.
Love to Melania.
[ Laughter ] Sorry about that. I just
think he has a lot of free time right now.
Anyway, back to Congress.
We're living in a time of asymmetric
partisan fighting in politics.
We have two sides,
one of which cares about competent governance;
and the other, which is willing
to burn everything down to gain power.
I mean, just look at the difference
in styles between Biden and Trump.
Biden with literally cut himself off during primary debates,
if his answers went on too long;
and Trump will spend an hour at a rally
meandering aimlessly about Bobby Knight or Pavarotti
or some other B-list celebrity he met one time at the 21 Club.
[ As Trump ] Luciano Pavarotti --
oh, he could sing.
He could sing and he loved food. Loved to eat.
One time I saw him eat two entrees and a centerpiece.
[ Laughter ] Anyway,
Make America Great Again.
Bernie Sanders and the Progressive Caucus
in the House are, as we speak, standing firm in their fight
to advance a transformative $3.5 trillion bill
that would invest in everything from education
to housing, to healthcare,
a set of priorities they promised voters they would pass.
Meanwhile, Senate Republicans
are refusing to raise the debt limit,
which could lead to a default and economic catastrophe.
I just wish there was someone more insightful than me
who could express the frustrating asymmetry
between the two parties -- perhaps a newspaper columnist
or a political consultant, or someone from a think tank?
-We are so pleased to welcome
my friend Steve Van Zandt now,
author of this new memoir, which, again, is called
"Unrequited Infatuations."
-I got to admit it's a little depressing, at the moment,
a little frustrating.
I just got this terrible feeling,
you know, and I've had this for a long, long time,
that we are in a war and only one side is fighting it.
And I've been feeling that for decades
and it's really coming to a very serious place, now,
where we might lose our democracy because of it.
You know, the two, you know,
the Benedict Arnold twins, they're not helping matters
and they're, you know, they better --
I hope they come around. I don't know.
I don't want to see Manchin on TV ever again.
[ Laughing ] I mean, I'm sick of his face.
-Oh, man, Joe Manchin, you better watch out.
If Little Steven says he's sick of your face,
your house boat might end up burning down
like Artie Bucco's restaurant. [ Laughter ]
So happy that this is where we're at
with political commentary right now.
I'm sick of the well-paid consultants
and think tank pundits,
who clearly know nothing about actual voters,
shilling for big corporations and elite institutions.
Let's get Steve Van Zandt a show on MSNBC.
Anybody who spent 45 years
on a tour bus with Bruce Springsteen
is definitely used to talking about politics.
[ As Steven ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, the factory's closed up.
I know. Yep. Yep.
Hard for veterans to find jobs.
Bruce, I'd love to get some sleep before Portland.
[ Laughter ] You could call the show...
...and he can do all his interviews with politicians,
sharing a mic, "Glory Days"-style.
[ Laughter ]
Very nice work from the graphics department right there.
[ Laughter ] And the thing is, he's right.
We're living in an era of asymmetry
and Democrats need to start taking that seriously.
Republicans ran through a massive
and unpopular tax cut for the wealthy and corporations
without virtually any public debate.
Now, they're using the prospect of a default on our debt,
which would crater our economy, as a negotiating tactic,
something Democrats have never done
when the shoe has been on the other foot,
and, instead of just abolishing the filibuster,
Democrats are scrambling because centrists,
like Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema,
are making things more difficult.
And you better believe,
every time Democrats fight with each other,
Mitch McConnell laughs
like a haunted doll in a horror movie.
Where did little Mitch go?
I -- I left him over there on that chair.
[ As McConnell ] Uh, I'm right here.
[ Laughter ]
You left the knives out.
[ Halting laugh ]
[ Laughter ]
That's why we need Little Steven in D.C.
[ As Steven ] Hey, I hear you got a problem
with a freakin' haunted doll or some [bleep]
Maybe it needs a whack it upside the head.
[ Laughter ]
That's my impression of him from "Lilyhammer."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, you've got two senators --
Joe Manchin, who's been called a kingmaker
by fossil fuel executives
and personally profits from the coal industry;
and Kyrsten Sinema, who's raked in
hundreds of thousands in donations from Big Pharma
and has been raising money from business groups --
holding up a bill that would tackle climate change,
establish paid family leave,
make community college tuition free,
transform child care, and expand access to healthcare,
among many other things.
Name one thing in this bill
you think is unpopular --
paid family leave,
child care tax credit, dental benefits for Medicare.
You think people like shelling out for dental care?
So, on top of spending an hour strapped to a chair,
watching old episodes of "Maury"
on a TV suspended from the ceiling
while a hygienist peels back your gums with an ice pick,
floss shaming you in a Russian accent,
you have to beg your insurance company to cover it.
One time, I got so annoyed with my dental insurance,
I said, [bleep] it, and let all my teeth rot.
These are just dentures.
When I'm not on the air, I look like this.
Okay, guys!
[ Laughter ]
I thought it was going to be different.
Guys, you got to show me the graphics before the show.
[ Laughter ] Is there another version we can use,
that's not as jarring?
[ As Giuliani ] Don't you ever give me Rudy teeth!
[ Laughter ]
And there's so much emphasis on the top-line price tag,
as it that matters to anyone.
First of all, it'll be paid for by taxing the rich.
But, more importantly, instead of complaining
about an abstract number that doesn't mean anything to anyone,
why don't you name one actual thing in this bill
you don't like and would cut?
Something Manchin and Sinema have refused to do.
That's a point Bernie made recently.
-You ask me about compromise.
I have compromised.
The bill that should've been passed, in my judgment,
was a $6 trillion bill.
If you take climate change into consideration,
that's the kind of money that we need.
We've already made a significant compromise.
-Would you consider a number less than $3.5 trillion?
-No. Look, we're talking -Have you talked to Joe Manchin?
-about numbers. You tell me what we should cut.
Tell the working families of this country
that we don't need to make child care affordable.
Tell the American people and the younger people
that we should not address the crisis of climate change
and try to save the planet.
Tell the homeless people
that we should not build affordable housing.
Tell the young people that we should not make
community colleges tuition-free.
-I like when Bernie takes on the energy
of a volunteer at the co-op when they raise prices.
[ As Sanders ] How about you tell people
that Gala apples are suddenly $2.99 a pound
[ Laughter ] and that the Swiss chard
is now more expensive than a trip to Disneyland?
Excuse me while I sell my kidney on the black market,
so that I can afford to purchase a tablespoon of quinoa.
[ Laughter ]
Now, on one hand, even though I think he's incredibly wrong
and self-serving and destructive,
you can at least kind of understand
where Manchin is coming from.
Politically, he represents a red state Trump won by 40 points.
But, Sinema, what are you doing?
Joe Biden won Arizona.
The Cyber Ninjas proved it
and, if we can't trust the Cyber Ninjas,
[ Laughter ] who can we trust?
I mean, don't tell me
you're listening to Rudy Giuliani
on the Arizona audit.
-This chart is almost exactly
the chart that I put out eight months --
that I gave them eight months ago.
It has a couple of things, I mean, a few less.
I mean, we had about 11,000 dead people
they don't seem to have found.
-Just so you know, I think dead people;
and I don't think illegal aliens,
which was your biggest category, have been gotten to yet.
This is just 50,000 in these categories, 60,000.
-This is not necessarily about the machines.
This is about what you've always talked about, Steve.
This is about paper.
This isn't machines.
This is basically --
I mean, what's the biggest category here?
Mail-in votes without ballots received.
-[ Laughs ] -That means phony paper.
-Phony paper, you know, like your law license.
I do appreciate that Rudy always uses visual aids, though.
He's like Carrot Top, but, instead of protein shakes,
he lives on a steady diet of lead paint chips.
Phony papers is also what Rudy uses
when he tries to make a bank deposit.
"Sir, um, this is Camel Cash."
[ As Giuliani ] Uh, I want to put it in my savings account.
"Also, this is a blood bank."
Oh, well, in that case, I need two pints, ASAP.
[ Laughter ] Also, why is he making that face?
Did he think the camera was a mirror?
Was he seeing his teeth for the first time?
[ As Giuliani ] My dental plan only covers the tops.
[ Laughter ]
These are the people who will retake power,
if Democrats don't get their [bleep] together
and pass the transformative agenda
they promised voters they would pass,
because we already know what it's going to be like
if Trump or the Trump cultists in the GOP get back into power.
In fact, every day, we find out more about just how insane
and unhinged the administration was,
thanks to the flood of Trump books that keep coming out.
The latest is from a former Trump press secretary
and chief of staff to Melania Trump
named Stephanie Grisham.
Grisham worked
for this monstrous administration for years
and, in the process, she seems to have collected
some juicy tidbits
for a lucrative book deal, like this one.
-She writes that there's
a Trump aide in the White House
who was designated as the Music Man,
to play him his favorite show tunes,
including "Memory," from "Cats,"
and they would play those songs -Oh, my God.
-when the president was in a bit of a rage
and the music was meant to calm him down.
-I'm pretty sure that's the same thing they do at zoos,
to calm down the gorillas when they have an erection.
"Uh-oh, JoJo's looking aggressive today.
Someone play 'If I Were a Rich Man.'"
[ Laughter ]
Of course, sometimes the zookeepers
will accidentally put on some Barry White
and that's how you end up with gorillas
going down on each other at The Bronx Zoo.
[ Laughter ] Ah, take it down!
Give them some privacy, for God's sake.
That's how graphic it was -- we had to censor it.
[ New York accent ] Because it's New York City, baby!
Even our zoos gotta be blurred.
[ Laughter ] You call your gorilla exhibit...
We call ours...
[ Laughter and applause ]
New York, baby!
[ Laughter ] Anyway, back to Trump.
I bet, when Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote "Cats,"
he never thought the soundtrack would be used
to save the world from Armageddon.
He might be the first composer to win a Tony
and a Nobel Peace Prize.
He could actually EGONT.
[ Laughter ] See? This is the kind of thing
we can do in an empty studio.
[ Laughter ]
We're still going to be doing EGONT jokes
when the audience comes back.
[ Laughter ] Was there a second button,
next to nuclear button, labeled...
"Trump's mad at Canada for not sending him a birthday present.
Quick, play 'Mr. Mistoffelees.'"
[ As Trump ] Trudeau thinks he's better than me?
Well, he won't after I nuke Saskatchewan.
Get me the briefcase.
You bring it over here. I'm going to press that button.
[ Laughter ] I'm going to press it.
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Well, I never! ♪
♪ Was there ever ♪
♪ A cat so clever ♪
What was I so mad about?
[ Laughter ]
And, of course, this dingus loved "Cats."
Lifelong New Yorker who had access
to the best theater the world has to offer,
and his favorite show was the one
that was viewed predominantly by 75-year-old tourists
bused in from Paramus,
from their assisted living facilities.
If you've ever been to a "Cats" performance,
you've definitely heard at least one old guy say,
"Did that cat just say he was Jellicle?"
Speak up! My ear horn's on the fritz!
[ Laughter ]
That might've been one of the most
disturbing anecdotes from the book,
but it wasn't the most disgusting.
You might remember that little episode
where Trump secretly paid hush money
to cover up an affair with a porn star,
who, in return,
said his penis looked like Toad from "Mario Kart."
[ As Toad ] ♪ Memory ♪
[ Laughter ]
♪ All alone in the moonlight ♪
Anyway, Grisham also says, in her book, that,
after Stormy Daniels said that, Trump called Grisham
from Air Force One to refute the story.
-Grisham claims that Trump tried
to assure her that his...
equipment was normal after Stormy Daniels
described it as a character in "Super Mario Bros."
-Normally, when someone makes a call from a plane,
it's to say something like, "We just landed,"
or "Tell Grandma I'll be there soon,"
not, "That porn star was lying
and my doink doesn't look like a Nintendo character."
[ Laughter ] So, to recap,
the president of the United States
used a secure phone line, relayed through like
seven different satellites, with some
of the most sophisticated technology in the world,
to tell his White House aide that his penis wasn't weird.
I'd like to think that each satellite exploded
upon relaying the news.
[ Laughter ]
And that's what it looked like.
[ Laughter ] This is what we're facing,
if centrist Democrats, like Manchin and Sinema,
don't stop holding Joe Biden's agenda hostage.
Biden and Democrats promised voters
a transformative program that would invest in everything
from healthcare to child care, to housing, to infrastructure,
and, now, they're trying to deliver on that promise.
If they fail, it's very possible we'll be looking
at another four years of Trumpism,
whether it's Trump himself or one of his wannabe cultists.
Those are the stakes, and they're very real.
But centrist Dems, backed by corporate interests,
are treating this like it's a game, like they're...
-A character in "Super Mario Bros."
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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