- Why don't we just do a buddy cop movie
about Christian Grey and his cock?
- Alright, I feel like you're not focused.
(sensual techno music)
- Have you ever read Fifty Shades of Grey?
- I have, unfortunately, - I knew it.
read Fifty Shades of Grey.
- I knew it.
- We tried to watch the movie,
and he fell asleep.
I was curious. It's like a national phenomenon.
- I'm going to try not to bring my preconceived
ideas to how it's going to be to this.
- I think there will be moments where I'll be turned on.
- Oh, wow.
- Showtime, Grey.
(upbeat techno music)
- Absentmindedly, she wipes a crumb
from the corner of her lips and into her mouth,
and sucks on her finger.
(laughing)
My cock twitches in response.
- If your dick is twitching, you should see a doctor.
- She has a fresh, wholesome fragrance that
reminds me of my grandfather's apple orchard.
I didn't like that one. - If you mention your
grandfather's apple orchard in an erotic book,
you have gone into a creepy realm.
- It occurs to me that I could refine her
motor skills with the aid of a riding crop.
- We're (bleep)ing.
We're (bleep)ing harder against the bathroom door.
She's mine.
I bury myself in her.
Is she dead?
Wait, hold on.
- The feel of her, her smell, her taste.
- Fisting my hand in her hair,
holding her in place--
- How do you fist your hand in someone's hair?
- Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick.
(laughing)
- Doesn't it also seem like this book
is written by like a fifth grader?
- I hope this book wasn't written by a fifth grader!
- Are you getting off back there?
- What do you mean? Yeah, absolutely.
- If you want me to act like Christian Grey--
- Please don't.
I was totally kidding.
- An image of her shackled to my bed,
peeled ginger root inserted in her ass
so she can clutch her buttocks--
- I don't know what a ginger root is,
but you don't put that in someone's butt.
- She does, with a huge cock-tightening grin--
- What an adjective.
- Can you like read it in like, a more sexual way?
- When I open my eyes, I'm wrapped around her.
She looks radiant.
My cock agrees.
- That was like kind of sweet and nice for
a little bit there, and then he's just like,
my cock this--
- There's three people in this relationship.
Grey, her, and his cock. - Yes.
- Lifting my hips, I grab my cock.
I want you to become well acquainted,
on first name terms.
- You don't like being on a first name basis
with my cock?
- Excuse me!
- I don't agree with him! - I know.
Don't look at me like that,
I don't agree with him!
- What do I do to chill out?
Sailing, flying, (bleep)ing,
testing the limits of attractive brunettes like her,
and bringing them to heel.
- So what I get from this is that she is
an object, and he owns her.
- Your ass will need training.
- I'm going to make you come like a freight train, baby.
(laughing)
- It's elaborate.
- Well, because it's a double entendre.
She's working on many different levels.
(funky soul music)
- The descriptions in this book make sex not fun.
- I was expecting it to have a little bit more fluff.
- I don't know how women can read this,
and want their own version of this guy.
- It does capture a man's point of view,
because a lot of men do name their penises.
I don't think that's a real thing.
- Those words aren't just bouncing around
in my head consistently.
Like, Oh, this is a pretty good grilled cheese.
My cock agrees.
That doesn't happen.
- I think the point of the series is that like
she changes him.
If they get to move on to like the fifth book,
I think we'll see a transformation,
maybe he'll like have some feelings,
and they won't all be about his cock.
- I'm not going to read anymore of this.
- I might.
(sensual techno music)
- Alright, I'm going to go
wash my mouth out with soap.