Alright, now, like I've said a million bajillion times before,
I used to play a lot of games outside when I was a kid.
And one of those games was the classic Truth or Dare.
Normally, you're supposed to play Truth or Dare with like...
girls in somebody's basement,
and you make out with somebody with braces for the first time,
or whatever you do.
But this version of Truth or Dare
was with me and my dirty little 9-year-old friends from the neighborhood.
Now, Truth or Dare, of course, is a very simple game.
If you pick truth,
you have to answer how many times you pooped your pants in public
or whatever the question that was asked.
And if you pick dare, you're forced to do something gross
or potentially life-threatening.
So, needless to say, you pick truth, if you want to play it safe.
And this is really where you would learn stuff about your friends, that...
well, you probably didn't want to know in the first place.
"Alright, Michael, truth or dare?"
"Uhm... Truth!"
"What's the weirdest thing that's ever happened to you?"
"One time the ice cream man smelled my hair
and then he asked for my phone number."
"What the... Michael, what the hell?!"
"Yeah, and then I tried to pay for my freeze pop,
but he just licked his lips and drove off.
Ha-ha!"
"Okay... well, that pretty fucking weird, anybody want to go next?"
And sometimes, when we would play,
we would do a little variation, where one person would ask a question
and everybody else had to answer it.
"Alright, let's do... what the most embarrassing moment of your life?
Ready, go!"
"Mine was the time I peed my pants during a spelling test."
"Mine was the time I fell off my bike and cried in front of my dad."
"Mine was the time my stepdad found me pooping in the sink!"
"Dude, what the?!"
"Or maybe it was the time I ate 9 tubes of ChapStick,
and threw up at a Payless shoe store."
"Dude, fuckin' sick!"
"Oh no, it was definitely the time I had to go to the ER,
when I shoved that LEGO piece up my pee hole."
"Alright, Michael, that is enough!
You are not allowed to pick truth anymore, holy hell!"
Now, of course, if you're more of a risk taker,
you could option with dare,
and being the dirty little bastards that we were,
the dares would start out fairly trivial,
but then eventually evolve in a fucking...
borderline domestic terrorism.
It'd start off simple, like,
"Okay, I dare you to...
Ding-dong ditch the guy with the eye patch that lives down the street."
"Okay, I'll do it!"
(Doorbell rings)
"Yeah?
Hey, what the...
Hey! Hey you, behind the bushes!
Hey, I see you!"
"No, you don't!"
"I fucking do too, you little bastard!
I can see your fucking generic-ass Scottie Pippen jersey from here!
I still have one good eye, for Christ's sake!"
But then gradually the dares would start to become
a little bit more severe, if you will.
"Okay, I dare you to...
take a shit on the porch of that guy with the eye patch, that lives down the street."
"Okie-dokie!"
(Doorbell rings)
"God damn it. What is it?
Hey, what the?..
Oh! What the fuck?!
Hey! Hey you!
Did you poop on my stoop?!
Get your ass over here and scoop the poop off my stoop!"
Now, why the hell would we do stuff like that?
I mean, it's not like you can win Truth or Dare, after all.
Well, you did it because you didn't want to be called a wuss.
Because, apparently, that's right at the top of the list
of the worst shit you could be called as a kid.
I swear, the words "Do it, don't be a wuss"
were probably responsible for like 78% of the stupid shit that we did as kids.
And it's pretty much the reason how we got Michael's gullible ass
to do just about any dare that we wanted.
"Come on, Michael, do it! Don't be a wuss!
I dare you to eat this purple crayon as fast as you can."
"Fuck you, I'm not a wuss! What's next?"
"I dare you to spit on your own face!"
(Ach-tooey!)
"Piece of cake! What now?"
"I dare you to shove this LEGO piece up your pee hole."
"I've done it once, I can do it again."
But out of all the dumb-ass shit that we've seen Michael do,
he never really got in trouble for it.
That is until one day,
when Michael was dared to throw an empty Snapple bottle
into a busy-ass intersection in broad daylight.
Yeah, clearly, not a good idea,
like I said, borderline domestic terrorism
wasn't off the table in truth or dare.
And thinking back on it, I don't even think we told him to do it.
I'm pretty sure Michael just dared himself, like an idiot.
"Dare me to Huck this Snapple bottle into oncoming traffic."
"What? No, Michael, what are you, nuts?"
(Whoosh)
(Glass breaks)
(Tires squeal)
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Now, what followed next,
was a confrontation with the angriest man
that I've ever seen in my short 9-year-old life.
This guy runs out into the street,
just leaves his car in the middle of traffic,
and just starts losing his shit in the middle of broad daylight.
Now, I don't know if you guys have ever been yelled at as a kid
by a strange angry man that you've never met before,
so badly,
that it caused a little bit of pee to leave your body involuntarily.
But it's quite a fucking experience, to say the least.
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THROW AT MY BUICK?"
(frightened voice) "It was a... Snapple bottle..."
"WHAT ARE YOU, FUCKING TRYING TO KILL SOMEBODY?!"
(frightened voice) "We were just playing Truth or Dare..."
"YEAH, WELL, HERE'S A TRUTH FOR YA:
IF YOU EVER HUCK SOMETHING AT MY CAR AGAIN,
I'M GONNA BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE AND KILL THE FUCKING FAMILY DOG!
LET ME CATCH YOUR LITTLE GENERIC SCOTTIE PIPPEN ASS OUT IN THE STREETS AGAIN,
I'LL PUNCH A 9-YEAR-OLD, I'M NOT AFRAID OF JAIL!"
(Door closes, engine start, tires squeal)
So... after that,
needless to say, we were done with playing Truth or Dare.
(frightened voice) "Uh, you guys wanna go, like,
play Duck, Duck, Goose or something instead?"
"Oh, yeah, let's go fucking play Duck, Duck, Goose."
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