What would you do if you were on the toilet, and something reaches up to grab your butt?
Today on Yokai That Will Make You Cry, we talk about the kappa 河童.
Let’s talk a bit about what they are, and then spend most of the time talking about
butts and naughty stuff, which is what we’re all here for.
Kappa translates to “river child.”
Now that sounds cute, right?
Who doesn’t like children, for about 10 minutes?
And yeah we do see a lot of cute kappa these days.
But this friendly version of the kappa really only began in the 1950s and 1960s.
Before that, the kappa had a more sinister reputation.
This older version of the kappa assaulted women and killed people.
Guess which version we’re gonna talk about today.
There are a lot of theories on the origin of the kappa.
Some say that a historical text in the 700s talked about a “river deity,” and that
was the first ever mention of this creature.
The best theory I’ve found is that in the old days people used to throw their stillborn
babies in the river, or even perfectly healthy babies,
because poor families couldn’t afford to take care of extra kids.
They said those bodies turned into kappa.
A similar thing happens nowadays, except the bodies turn into
prison time with no chance of parole.
Looks.
Kappa are about the size of a small child.
Their bodies are either covered in hair or scales.
They have a turtle shell on the back, and a beak like a turtle.
But what the kappa is most known for is the top of its head.
It looks like if someone bopped it on the head with a metal ball and left a dent.
This dent holds a liquid, maybe it’s water, maybe it’s some magical liquid.
Whatever it is, it’s the source of the kappa’s power.
Like Edward, the kappa is small.
And like Edward when you call him small, the kappa is really strong and will mess you up.
It lives in the water and will pull you down and suck the blood from your body
or eat your flesh.
It may even suck out all your organs through your butt, leaving behind a hollow human shell.
This sounds terrible, but most of you are hollow shells of a human anyways
so it’s hardly a change.
Luckily the kappa has a weakness.
It must keep that liquid inside of the dish on its head.
If its head ever becomes dry, the kappa loses all powers and may even die.
There’s a story where someone took advantage of this.
A kappa challenged a man to a sumo wrestling match.
They love sumo wrestling, but they can never win.
Right before the match started, the man bowed deeply.
The kappa, being a typical Japanese, couldn’t resist bowing too.
As it did, the water spilled from its head and it lost all of its strength.
Food.
Kappa like to eat cucumbers, eggplants, pumpkins, soba noodles, and nattō.
They don’t like gourds, sesame, and ginger.
They also randomly don’t like saliva, iron, and the sound of gunfire.
Not necessarily to eat, they just don’t like those things in general.
Now one thing everyone knows about kappa is that they love cucumbers.
The cucumber sushi roll in Japan is called the kappa maki.
One folk belief says that if you eat a cucumber and then go swimming in the river,
you have a high chance of getting attacked by a kappa.
But another folk belief says that eating a cucumber would guard you against kappa attacks.
And that is how you mess with kids.
The cucumber has a naughty shape, which brings us to...
Naughty Business.
Okay, kappa lore gets really sexual and assault-y.
Rivers and lakes are dangerous places, the domain of the kappa.
While they do like to drown children, obviously, the more common crime they commit
is kidnapping women and doing worse things.
In one old report, some women in a village became pregnant with the babies of kappa.
At birth, the babies were hideous creatures.
Seeing this, the villagers cut these babies into pieces, put them in wine jars,
and buried them.
The kappa also likes to look up women’s skirts and even reach up in there.
So if you wanna find a kappa for some reason, you may want to look in Japanese trains.
Fighting a Kappa.
Now because I care about you, I’m gonna tell you how to protect yourself
in case of a kappa attack.
You may even get a bonus prize from the kappa in the end.
So you already know about the bowing method.
You can also fart at them, but I’ll get to that later.
One big weakness of the kappa is their arms.
Their two arms are actually stuck to each other inside their bodies, so if you pull
on one arm, it gets longer while the other arm gets shorter.
This idea may have come from this legend where a carpenter made some straw dolls and gave
them life so they could become his assistants.
The arms were just straw stuck through the middle of their bodies.
When he was done with them, he threw them into the river, where they turned into kappa.
Anyways, a kappa’s arms are not that firmly attached to its body.
So what you do is you pull off its arm like it was a Lego figure.
This makes the kappa really scared and it’ll do anything to get its arm back.
At this point, you psychopath, you can make it promise to do all kinds of things like
to stop being a douche to people in the area or to help you with chores.
It may also periodically bring you fish.
The kappa is very honest and will always keep its word.
It may also offer to teach you medicine and specifically bonesetting, which is the practice
of resetting broken bones, putting them in the right position to heal correctly.
Kappa being expert bonesetters is one of the most widespread beliefs about them.
Why?
I dunno. Who cares, because we’re gonna talk about…
Butt Stuff.
Many kappa beliefs center around the butt,
specifically with that opening between the butt.
It is well-known, and this is true, that each human has one anus.
A kappa has three.
This allows it to fart 3 times louder and release 3 times more gas.
It takes full advantage of this superpower because it loves to make loud farts.
You can counterattack though.
If you fart at a kappa, you may scare it away and avoid dying from an attack.
You’ll just die from embarrassment instead.
It’s not all fun and games though.
The most dangerous thing about the kappa is that it likes to steal your liver.
This is where things get weird.
How do you reach a person’s liver?
Through the butt. Very good.
That’s right, a kappa will reach right up there and pull out your liver.
But there’s a problem.
There’s an organ right inside your butt called shirikodama 尻子玉, or anus ball.
Go ahead, try to feel it yourself -- no just kidding, don’t.
It doesn’t exist, but the Japanese used to believe it existed.
It’s supposed to contain your soul, or some say it is your soul in physical form.
To get to your liver, the kappa must first remove your shirikodama,
either by using its hands or its mouth.
Since it’s your soul, you would die afterwards.
From pleasur-- no.
But as always with the kappa, there are sexual undertones with this too.
In some stories, when a kappa reaches in to grab a person’s shirikodama, the person
briefly smiles with bliss at the feeling.
So where did the idea of the shirikodama come from?
No one knows, but a common explanation is that if you look at the butt of drowned corpses,
for research, the anus is often open or swollen.
It kinda looks like something was taken out of it.
Where did the idea of the kappa’s anal obsession come from?
There are a lot of guesses, but no one knows this either.
One folk explanation involves that carpenter from before who threw his dolls into the river.
As he tossed them, he yelled, “Eat people’s anuses!”
The explanation doesn’t explain why he yelled that, he just did it,
because why not? We’re already in crazytown.
Most of us don’t live near a river, so we’re mostly safe from kappa...
is what they want you to think.
In what everyday situation is your butt right next to a pool of water?
That’s right, when you’re on the toilet.
The kappa likes to hide in your toilet, just waiting for the right moment
to stroke your shirikodama, or even take it from you.
This idea probably came about because in the past, toilets were just wooden boards placed
above a river, the natural home of the kappa.
This yokai is very popular so you’ll see it everywhere.
There are kappa in Yokai Watch.
In one of the old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies, the turtles went back to medieval
Japan and the locals didn’t call them turtles, they called them kappa.
In Animal Crossing, Kapp’n is a kappa in the Japanese version.
He’s called a boring old turtle in the English version though.
Okay today’s quiz question is this:
What is the name of the fishy yokai that causes earthquakes?
Let me know in the comments.
I’ll choose a winner tomorrow from among the correct answers.
Winner gets one of these.
Good luck.
We have a new patron this week: Nikki M. Solis!
Thanks Nikki I appreciate it!
Alright, I love you, and spread the knowledge!