- I'M NOSE-GREASING THIS BEER
'CAUSE I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS FOAM.
- I'VE NEVER HEARD "NOSE-GREASING."
- WHAT? - I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT TERM.
- OKAY, SO YOU, LIKE,
TAKE THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE-- - OKAY.
- THERE'S ALWAYS GREASE ON YOUR FACE.
- OF COURSE, I HAVE A GREASY FACE.
- T-ZONE.
OKAY, SO THEN YOU TAKE IT, AND YOU JUST,
LIKE, KIND OF--
- THEN I HAVE GREASE IN MY DRINK.
- YEAH, WHICH IS, LIKE-- MEANS YOU CAN DRINK IT SOONER.
[laughs]
- [snorts]
[both laugh]
HELLO.
TODAY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT FRANCES CLEVELAND,
WIFE OF GROVER CLEVELAND.
SO, LIKE, BASICALLY GROVER CLEVELAND
GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT,
AND HE WAS JUST, LIKE, A FAT, LONELY MAN
LIVING ALONE IN THAT WHITE HOUSE,
AND HE WAS LIKE, OKAY, I'M IN A VERY UNIQUE SITUATION.
I'M NOT MARRIED, AND, LIKE, I NEED A CHICK
THAT'S GOING TO, LIKE, BE THE FIRST LADY.
ROSE CLEVELAND, GROVER'S LESBIAN SISTER
WAS LIKE, LET'S INVITE THE EMMA FOLSOM LADY
TO A WHITE HOUSE SOMETHING.
SO, LIKE, EMMA WENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE,
AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, I THINK HE'S GONNA MARRY EMMA FOLSOM.
LIKE, THAT'S GOING TO BE THE WAY THIS SHAKES DOWN.
BUT THEN, YOU KNOW
GROVES LIKE, KIND OF SAW EMMA'S DAUGHTER FRANCES,
THIS, LIKE, BEAUTIFUL 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL,
AND HE WAS LIKE, HOW CAN I HIT THAT?
LIKE, IT WAS ROMANTIC, AND, LIKE,
HE WOUND UP BEING LIKE,
LET'S JUST YOU AND ME TAKE A LITTLE TOUR
OF THIS WHITE HOUSE SITUATION.
SO, LIKE, HE TOOK HER OUT TO, LIKE, SOME BALCONY
THAT'S ALL LIKE [bleep] ROMANTIC OR WHATEVER,
AND HE WAS JUST LIKE, LOOK AT THIS.
LIKE, LOOK AT THIS.
HE'S LIKE, I LIVE IN THE MOST EXPENSIVE HOUSE IN AMERICA.
IT'S [bleep] FABULOUS.
SO, LIKE, SHE LIKE, LOOKED AT IT
AND WAS LIKE, THIS IS FABULOUS.
I COULD MAYBE SEE MYSELF BEING THE FIRST LADY.
BUT THEN EMMA FOLSOM SAW THAT, LIKE,
GROVER WAS JOCKING ON HER DAUGHTER FRANCES.
LIKE, SHE WAS LIKE, OKAY, LIKE,
I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET WITH THE GUY
THAT I LIKE, WHICH IS, LIKE, BOGUS.
YOU JUST, LIKE, GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
SO SHE SENDS HER TO EUROPE FOR, LIKE, ONE YEAR
AFTER HER GRADUATION,
BUT UNBEKNOWNST TO HER OWN DAMN SELF,
GROVER CLEVELAND WROTE FRANCES, LIKE, A LETTER,
AND WAS LIKE, LET'S GET MARRIED,
AND... [giggles]
FRANCES, LIKE, WROTE BACK, LIKE,
YES, I WILL MARRY YOU.
LIKE, IT WAS ONE OF THOSE, LIKE--
IT WAS LIKE A KHLOE AND LAMAR
SORT OF NINE-DAY WEDDING SITUATION
WHERE THEY, LIKE, VERY QUICKLY ANNOUNCED THEIR ENGAGEMENT.
GROVER WAS LIKE, FRANCES IS, LIKE,
GONNA BE THE MAIN BITCH.
THE PRESS FREAKED OUT.
SO, LIKE, GROVER WAS LIKE, OKAY.
WELL, I WILL BE FULLY COMMITTED TO A CERTAIN WOMAN,
I WILL BE FULLY COMMITTED TO A WOMAN
THAT'S MY HUSBAND--WIFE.
[laughs]
WAIT, WHAT WAS I SAYING?
I DIDN'T EAT TODAY. THAT'S SO BAD.
- WE NEED TO GET SOME FOOD IN YOU.
- OKAY, WAIT. LET'S SEE YOU.
OH, HONEY. CUTE.
OH, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
ONE, PLACE "FROGEN" NUGGETS.
FROZEN.
OKAY.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - KILLING IT.
[laughter]
- SO, LIKE, THEY DID THAT,
AND THE PRESS WAS, LIKE, HOUNDING.
LIKE, THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT SOME PRESIDENT,
LIKE, MARRIED A GIRL
WHILE HE WAS IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
SHE WAS KIND OF LIKE AN IT GIRL.
LIKE, EVERY TIME SHE WAS ON A MAGAZINE COVER,
THEY WOULD MOVE MAD UNITS.
IT'S LIKE HER IMAGE WAS REALLY EXPLOITED,
AND PEOPLE WERE PUTTING HER EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING
FROM, LIKE, HOUSEHOLD CLEANING PRODUCTS
TO, LIKE, SMALL PERSONAL ITEMS.
LIKE, PILL BOXES, WOODEN THINGS,
BECAUSE THEY FELT THAT, LIKE, YEAH,
THIS GIRL WILL SELL [bleep],
BUT SHE WAS LIKE, WHATEVER.
YOU GUYS CAN, LIKE, BASTARDIZE ME
AND TURN ME INTO
ALL OF THESE DIFFERENT COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS,
BUT, LIKE, ACTUALLY I'M A COLLEGE-EDUCATED WOMAN.
I'M PUT TOGETHER, AND, LIKE, PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN ME
IN A WAY THAT THEY HAVEN'T BEEN INTERESTED
IN OTHER FIRST LADIES,
AND I'M GONNA, LIKE, BLOW THAT UP.
LIKE, IF EVERYONE'S GONNA BE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME,
LET'S MAKE SURE THEY'RE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
AND BY THE WAY, I WOULD LIKE TO BE CALLED FRANK.
I MEAN, YOU CAN CALL ME FRANCES
OR YOU CAN CALL ME FRANK, BUT MOSTLY FRANK.
- THAT'S PRETTY COOL-- A GIRL SAYING
SHE WANTS TO BE CALLED FRANK.
- I MEAN, THAT'S THE THING IS,
LIKE, SHE WAS A DOWN-ASS BITCH.
LIKE, SHE'S LIKE, EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY,
I'M GOING TO MEET WITH THE WORKING WOMEN OF WASHINGTON,
AND THERE WOULD BE LINES FORMING OUTSIDE
OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
AND FRANCES CLEVELAND, LIKE,
SAW TWO YOUNG GIRLS EATING OUT OF--
OUT OF A DUMPSTER ONE DAY.
SHE'S LIKE, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
LIKE, THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
AND SO SHE STARTED A CHARITY CALLED, LIKE,
THE HOME FOR FRIENDLESS COLORED GIRLS.
I'M GONNA SAY, LIKE, THAT'S A BRUTAL NAME FOR A CHARITY.
[dog growls]
- SHH.
CAN YOU BE QUIET? WAIT ONE SECOND.
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD. [dog growls]
BUT SHE HAD ALL THIS [bleep] GOING ON.
SO, LIKE, GROVER, HE WAS LIKE,
I DON'T WANT MY WIFE ESPECIALLY--
A WOMAN SHOULDN'T BOTHER THEIR HEAD WITH POLITICS.
BUT, LIKE, ESPECIALLY MY WIFE SHOULD NOT
BE BOTHERING HER HEAD WITH POLITICS.
LIKE, SHE--OH, HOLD ON. WHERE'S MY LIGHTER?
THANK YOU.
SHE WAS THE ONE THAT SAID LIKE, YEAH, OKAY.
LIKE, YEAH, OKAY,
LIKE, YOU'RE, LIKE-- YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT I CAN'T HAVE A POLITICAL OPINION
OR YOU'RE TELLING ME WHATEVER,
BUT, LIKE, [bleep] IT.
THESE ARE MY GIRLS.
LIKE, I'M GONNA HAVE THESE PEOPLE,
I'M GONNA SHAKE ALL OF THEIR HANDS,
I'M GONNA HEAR THEIR THOUGHTS,
I'M GONNA HEAR THEIR VOICES.
AND SHE WENT OUT OF HER WAY TO SUPPORT WOMEN.
LIKE, SHE WAS SO CHARITABLE,
AND SHE NEVER STOPPED.
AND ON HER VERY LAST DAY IN THE WHITE HOUSE,
23,000 PEOPLE CAME OUT TO MEET HER,
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
THANKS SO MUCH.
SHE'S GREAT.
I USUALLY--HONESTLY, I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.
LIKE, I THINK SHE'S THE GREATEST FIRST LADY EVER.
- CHEERS.
- CHEERS TO DAY-DRINKING.
[glasses clink] - DAY-DRINKING.
[both laugh]