-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here! "The Tonight Show"!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Well, let's get to some news here.
Guys, this weekend, President Biden
returned to the White House
after a four-day trip to Ireland.
Yeah, you can tell Biden really enjoyed his time in Ireland
'cause today, instead of falling down
the steps of Air Force One, he river-danced down them.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, eh -- ooh. Oh.
[ Laughter ]
I always love watching someone fall up.
I just think it's very rare.
During his trip, Biden quoted his favorite Irish poet,
which is different from Trump's favorite Irish quote,
"They'll never get me Lucky Charms."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, I think Biden had a pretty good time in Ireland.
On Friday night, he gave a big speech.
And check out the welcome that he received
when he walked on stage. This is real.
-Joe Biden.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Dropkick Murphy's "I'm Shipping up to Boston" plays ]
♪♪
-Wow. -Come on.
-Yeah. [ Laughter and applause ]
-The ovation was so loud, even Biden could hear it.
It was amazing. [ Laughter ]
Yeah, Biden walked out to the Irish punk band
Dropkick Murphys.
It was a pretty interesting song choice,
but it makes more sense than the song
that he was originally planning
on walking out to listen to this.
-Please welcome Joe Biden.
[ Funky music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
-Of course.
-That's -- [ Laughs ]
-♪ Wow, wow, wow ♪
-♪ Wow, wow, wow ♪ -♪ Wow, wow, wow ♪
-'Course, Biden's not the only political figure
who uses walk-out music to help set the mood.
I'll show you what I mean. For instance,
at other speeches, you could hear songs like
"Insane in the Membrane"
or "Bad Romance"
or "Oops, I did it Again." -Oh!
-Or "I Can't Get No Satisfaction."
-Oh! -And artists like
Ol' Dirty Bastard
or "The Star-Spangled Banner," which I'm told by George Santos,
was written by Francis Scott Santos.
-Really? [ Laughter ]
-Or the classic Eric Clapton song "Cocaine."
Or -- [ Audience "Ohhs," Laughter ]
Or ever since the Trump indictment,
some people are just playing this.
-♪ Because I'm happy ♪
-♪ Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof ♪
-Yeah, people are just playing.
Some more political news. Guys, the 2024 campaign season
is in full swing, and after months of attacks
from former president Trump,
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
is finally fighting back with an attack ad against Trump.
-Oh. -Watch this.
-Trump should fight Democrats,
not lie about Governor DeSantis. What happened to Donald Trump?
-Ooh. -Ooh.
-But Trump isn't backing down.
In response, his super PAC just released an attack ad
based on a story. This is real, by the way.
This is -- You saw this?
-Yeah. -This is based on a story
that DeSantis once ate pudding with his fingers.
Did you hear this? [ Laughter ]
I'm not making this up. This is not a joke.
-This is a real -This is a real attack ad.
This -- This is this is real. Check this out.
-Ron DeSantis loves sticking his fingers
where they don't belong.
And we're not just talking about pudding.
-Oh. [ Audience groans ]
-That's real. -Yeah.
-That is real.
Then the DeSantis super PAC replied with...
Then the Trump super PAC was like...
Then the DeSantis ad said...
Oh. [ Laughter ]
Then Trump's ad said...
[ Laughter ]
Then DeSantis's ad said...
I mean... [ Laughter ]
Then -- Then Trump's ad said...
And, finally, DeSantis's ad said...
There you go. -Ohh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Gross. Bizarre.
Did you guys see this? Today, Elon Musk called off
the launch of his Starship rocket
due to a pressure issue.
Yep. Elon tried to make the SpaceX team feel better.
He was like, "Don't worry, guys.
This rocket is still not as dangerous as driving a Tesla."
[ Laughter ]
Well, a lot of people are talking about this.
Netflix is apologizing after last night's
"Love is Blind" live reunion.
It was delayed due to technical issues.
Yep. Even though they couldn't see the reunion,
"Love is Blind" fans still managed
to fall in love with it anyway.
[ Laughter ]
[ Woman laughing loudly ] Well, get this.
I saw that -- Thank you.
[ Laughter ]
That was a real good long laugh over on this side.
I appreciate that. Guys, get this.
I saw that Tupperware has warned that they are facing bankruptcy.
-Ooh. [ Audience groans ]
It's really gotten sad over there.
When asked for a comment,
the C.E.O. of Tupperware just burped.
[ Laughter ]
Apparently, someone borrowed all their inventory
and never gave it back. That's right.
[ Laughter ]
The company said that they were never the same after that
one time they used it for marinara sauce.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, I heard that thieves in Philadelphia stole
2 million dimes worth $200,000 from a truck parked at a mall.
[ Laughter ]
The suspects are described as armed and jingly.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, man, this is going viral.
A man in North Carolina was relaxing on his patio
when he had a surprise visitor. Take a look at this.
[ Laughter, audience "Oohs" ]
[ Bear grumbles ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's what every kid feels like
when they run into their teacher at a supermarket.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not sure that clutching a throw pillow
is how you protect yourself against a bear.
Call me old fashioned, but I miss the good old days
when bears used to do cocaine and rip your head off.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, you guys, spring is here.
Okay? Are you feeling this? The weather...
[ Cheers and applause ]
The weather is warming up. The flowers are in full bloom,
which inspired me to write a song
with one of our good friends, Andy Samberg.
Here, take a look.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
♪ I'm a plant dad ♪
♪ I love plants ♪
♪ Water them, sun them, do a little dance ♪
-♪ I'm a plant dad ♪
♪ Plants love me ♪
♪ Dig them, raise them, one, two, three ♪
-♪ Go into the garden, get on my knees ♪
♪ Give a little drink to my bonsai trees ♪
-♪ I've got my pot, I've got my seeds ♪
♪ I give little kisses to the itty-bitty leaves ♪
-♪ Fill a whole hothouse, that's my dream ♪
♪ I like to go green, if you know what I mean ♪
-♪ I know what you mean ♪
♪ I love plants, too ♪
♪ My wife is leaving me for another man ♪
-♪ I'm a plant dad, I love plants ♪
♪ Water them, sun them, do a little dance ♪
-♪ I'm a plant dad ♪
♪ Plants love me ♪
♪ Dig them, raise them, one, two, three ♪
-♪ Succulents don't need that much water ♪
♪ And they like to live where it's much hotter ♪
-♪ Caring for plants, it gives me structure ♪
♪ She had an affair with her yoga instructor ♪
-♪ I can't get enough of my orchids ♪
-♪ She and Braden want to have more kids ♪
-♪ Sprouts are short, plants are long ♪
-♪ I'm afraid of Braden, he seems strong ♪
-♪ One plant D-A-D I be ♪
-♪ My kids already call him daddy ♪
-♪ So -- ♪ -♪ Couples therapy ♪
♪ Then went badly ♪
♪ She said I tried to coop her up like Bradley ♪
♪ Then she also said she slept with Bradley ♪
♪ Then she also said she slept with Chad Lee ♪
♪ I said, even so, I love her madly ♪
♪ Then the therapist called me a simp ♪
♪ She said take some time to self-reflect ♪
♪ And, quote unquote, find some self-respect ♪
♪ But instead I went straight to my former house ♪
♪ In search of my soon-to-be former spouse ♪
♪ I dropped to my knees and begged her please ♪
♪ To be in a throuple with me ♪
♪ They politely passed after thinking it through ♪
♪ They said, We're open to a throuple ♪
♪ Just not with you, which hurt ♪
♪ So I walked down the block ♪
♪ I came back later, but they changed the lock ♪
♪ So I burrowed a hole underneath the house ♪
♪ And lay there all night, quiet as a mouse ♪
♪ Listening to them bone ♪
-Should -- Should I, like, go?
-♪ As I lay there, buried like a plant ♪
♪ I can hear them grunt, I can hear the pant ♪
♪ The sweat drips down through the floorboards ♪
♪ Onto my forehead ♪ ♪ I can hear four words ♪
♪ They are worthless, worthless, worthless, worthless ♪
♪ Why am I here? What is my purpose? ♪
♪ Smile on my face, but my laugh is mirthless ♪
♪ I just have to be down where the dirt is ♪
♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-♪ I'm a plant dad, I love plants ♪
♪ Water them, sun them, do a little dance ♪
♪ I'm a plant dad, plants love me ♪
♪ Every plant I ever raised [bleep] died ♪
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
The one and only Andy Samberg right there!
Check out his new show, "Digman!"
airing Wednesdays at 10:30 on Comedy Central.
We love you, Andy.