Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'You are to observe only.'
This week, if you don’t mind, we’re looking at The Astro-Zombies.
'But I do mind.'
Well we’re doing it anyway.
‘Doesn’t look like it’s gonna work huh?’
Welcome to a day in the life of John Carradine.
'Now we are ready for the extraction.'
Another lab...
another hunch-backed assistant
‘Prepare him for brain transfer and total Astro-mobilisation’
Another man with a light fitting strapped to his head.
And another semi-nude chick tied to a tablw
Who takes no part in the plot whatsoever.
'You're own experiment will have to wait.'
That plot is very convoluted.
‘There were some complications’
Carradine has created a synthetic human called an Astro man.
‘You mean a sort of a zombie’
Not exactly but...
‘What else would you call a man with a synthetic electric heart...’
'A stainless steel mesh stomach, plastic pancreas, just to mention those things for starters.
This has caught the attention of international spies led by Tura Satana.
'This is something my government must have.'
But apparently Carradine has never seen Frankenstein.
'Dr Demarco has created an Astro man with a defective brain.'
Resulting in a masked monster murdering big chested women.
And this has caught the attention of the central intelligence agency.
‘We are concerned with the Mutilation Murders’
Although intelligence may be stretching it,
as this is where one of them takes his girlfriend on a date.
Awkward.
‘I’m jealous'
And these are our heroes.
'Um... Geoff'
The direction is not exactly thrilling.
And the acting is best described by Carradine himself.
‘This time we must be sure to remove the emotional characteristics’
But the big problem is that everything happens via a chain of dumb decisions.
‘Coincidence?
'Not very likely’
The 1st victim is killed with her own shoe.
The second, with a convenient knife.
The third is just attempted murder.
And I would guess the reason for that is:
he never brings a weapon!
‘You guessed right’
He just turns up hoping there’ll be something sharp nearby...
‘It’s my fault’
And there’s another reason he fails.
‘We must utilise the solar energy storage cell, otherwise, anytime there’s no light’
A solar powered bad guy, and what does he do when he gets to a victim’s home?
‘No lights’
So, when he loses his battery, he’s forced to take drastic action.
There are few things more guaranteed to undermine the threat of a psychotic killer,
than him running away with a torch on his head.
But he makes it back to Carradine, who recharges him.
Why, when you house-share with a maniac, would you leave a machete lying around?!
'That is for us to decide.'
Why do you have a machete anyway?
You’re a medical surgeon not a tree surgeon!
'How would you know that?'
This results in a massacre, possibly at night.
Possibly in the day...
Possibly in a garden...
Possibly in the hills...
The only thing certain at the end of this
movie is that the semi-nude chick tied to the table, is still there.
And no one does anything about it.
‘Well let’s not waste any more time’
Director Ted Mikels released a re-imagining of this film in 2004,
which is apparently even worse, and has spawned 2 sequels.
‘Sounds like a busy man’
God alone knows why he has done this.
‘I need more money’
Are solar powered bad guys the way forward or do you have ideas for eco friendly maniacs
Let us know in the comments below, thanks for watching and don't forget to subscribe.
'It's very nice Dr, but I think it's time for you to go home.'