CASTLEVANIA!
One of my favorite game series of all time.
The myriad enemies you face in Dracula’s abode are made even better knowing that they
come from real mythology and folklore.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was one place you could find the FULL BESTIARY of EVERY
MONSTER in Castlevania?
I think that would be nice.
OR AT LEAST I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE.
I swear to god, the first time I started filming this video, I thought it would be an easy
change of pace.
I mean, how many unique enemies could there really be in Castlevania?
100?
200?
How about more than 600.
So I booked 3 hours in this studio to film.
And then we ran out of time about halfway through.
So I went out to grab some lunch, but it start to rain, so I ate a chicken sandwich drenched.
That has nothing to do with the video, I just wanted you to know my pain.
So I had to start filming all over again, this time after hours in a random meeting
room in our office building.
And when I finished that, I had three and a half hours of footage that I was able to
whittle down into an hour long video that was very educational and extremely entertaining.
JUST KIDDING.
IT WAS BORING AS HELL.
But just when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany.
“I am going to throw myself into the sea.”
Luckily, before I could do that, my coworkers stopped me and convinced me that trying to
categorize all 600 Castlevania monsters was a bad idea, and instead, I could just pick the hot one.
Ask yourself, why are vampires always the hot monster?
Isn’t it someone else’s turn?
I’m here to answer that question now that I’m filming this video for the third time.
Be thankful that I’m not releasing an hour long video of me basically just lecturing
you on mythology.
I mean, who knows, maybe I’ll release that video some other time.
THAT WAS A JOKE.
I’M NOT GONNA DO THAT.
YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME.
IT WAS A REALLY BAD VIDEO.
SO LET’S FIND CASTLEVANIA’S MOST ELIGIBLE BACHELOR!
*hot music*
*lonely squeaking*
Let’s cull down that list of over 600 enemies.
We’re gonna start by smooshing all of the ones with common mythologies into just one
enemy, so that way we don’t have to deal with the 96 different skeletons.
We're also going to go ahead and cut out the evil human beings, and that includes the Belmonts that
you fight as enemies, and also all of the vampires.
We all know that Dracula is hot.
We all know that Richter Belmont is hot.
I’m also going to go ahead and cut all of the enemies from Boku Dracula Kun, which was
just a spinoff series, and Getsu Fuma Den enemies, which only appeared in one stage
in Castlevania Harmony of Despair.
And now it’s time to cut the animals, mythical or otherwise.
Look, if they’re anthropomorphized sure, but for things like “Owl,” that’s not
a monster, that’s a bird.
What about ephemera like will o’ the wisps, or inanimate objects made animate, kind of
like golems or marionettes.
I went back and forth on whether or not to include these, and then I realized they creep
me out, so I cut them.
Now I’m going to cut out all of the gods and the god servants and the embodiments of
things like chaos and evil, because those are inherently unique.
I'm gonna cull this list a little bit more, because, let’s be honest, vampires aren’t the only monsters
that have had a taste *kiss* of that sexy limelight.
Witches and warlocks, zombie, orc, treant, werewolf, mermen, gargoyle, gremlin, ghosts,
Medusa, cyclops, yeti, fox archer, ogres, stained glass knight, from Young Sherlock
Holmes, where he appeared as the first photorealistic CGI in any movie back in 1985.
And finally, mummies, Brendan Fraser.
Wasn’t the mummy in the film, but he’s sexy enough that just by association.
But we’ve culled it down to the perfect number to figure out our sexy monster.
That’s right.
We’ve got 69 left.
Can I get a WOOP?
Patrick: Woo!
Clayton: woo.
We’ll work on it, Clayton.
Criteria for what make a sexy monster: Number one, is it replicable.
I’ve already explained this, it can’t be a unique monster.
Anything unique can be sexy.
Look at Benedict Cumberbatch.
Number two, is it datable?
Can you have a conversation with this monster?
Can you bring it to Applebee’s?
And number three, can this monster…
GET IT?
We're gonna start with the viable ones that probably aren’t the best sex icons, like Mimic, which
is kind of a veiny blob.
The Two Headed Creature.
Part cyclops, part werewolf, all bad.
Wight, W.I.G.H.T.
comes from the old English term meaning human being.
It’s like a… just a blue zombie.
Necromancers…
I don’t know, they’re into weird shit.
Spriggans come from Cornish faery lore, and they are described as old, wizened men with
huge childlike heads, uh, which someone’s into, I’m sure.
Nominon is a beast that, like, sucks the dreams out of your brains.
And that’s not a very supportive partner.
Punaguchi is just a large protruding mouth.
I don’t want to know what that mouth do.
The Maneating Plant, the Wakwak Tree, and the Human Face Tree are all plants.
So if you would want to make the monster sexy, it would just… it’s just a plant.
The rug creature.
Uh, you never actually see what it is, it’s just always under the rug.
Which means it’s probably just like a cat.
Hearteater.
If you’re into bad boys.
Castlevania has some of the best design in any pixel art game, except for the Towers Guardian.
I don’t know what the hell this is.
A ghoul isn’t necessarily a zombie, it is something that eats corpses, which is just gross.
This one’s for the sapiosexuals out there… the Brain Float.
Alastor: you should be wary of anyone who builds their personality around swords.
Elementals are just embodiments of fire and frost.
Just hard to cuddle with.
The Legend of Zeldo.
It’s just a person with scythes.
They are also known by the name “the Night Stalker,” which is a big red flag.
The Kyoma Demon hangs out in mirrors and jumps out and scares you, uh, and I don’t need
anymore reason to be afraid of looking at myself in the mirror.
*pensive music*
Man Beast comes in two forms: twink and twunk.
They say that eye contact is important.
But maybe not this much.
I do think we need a sexy skeleton, and the epitome of skeleton in this game is Yorick.
Yorick comes from Hamlet, the famous soliloquy “Alas, poor Yorick.”
In the Japanese version, he isn’t called Yorick, he’s called Soccer Boy.
The Imp is a mischievous sprite.
And I was a bit worried about size differentials, but then I remembered Bee Movie, where a human
woman falls in love with a bee.
Jerry Seinfeld taught me that through love all things are possible.
Trolls.
It’s time for someone to give them the love they deserve.
The next monster is Evil Force.
And I want you to just go ahead and wipe away all preconceived notions.
Obviously, the name makes it sound bad.
Uh.
It also is terrible.
(Pat laughs off camera).
Edimmu are Mesopotamian demons that come back from the dead when they weren’t buried correctly,
which seems like super high maintenance.
The Slaughterer apparently skips leg day.
The Arthroverta.
Just a human face plastered on top of, like, an arthropod. I dunno, maybe?
Chon Chon, or the Bitterfly, comes from Chile.
It’s about Mapuche wizards that turn into this thing.
Kind of like vampires turning into bats.
It’s a neat talent.
*revealing my true Chon Chon form*
The Killer Mantle.
Comes from an urban legend in Japan about Aka Manto, which is a spirit that lives in
toilets and then asks you if you want red or blue toilet paper.
Red, they’ll stab you in the back a bunch, and blue, they’ll strangle you till you
turn blue.
I’m just not into toilet stuff.
I mean most of these monsters are pretty okay.
Um, they’re not the… they’re not like the most.
SURPRISE!
I LULLED YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY!
It’s time for a minigame I like to call, “If I were a Castlevania game... what title
would I be?”
Take your birth month, and that’s the first part of the title.
OF.
And your birth date is the second part.
My title would be Castlevania: Sonata of the Eclipse.
All of these games sound the same.
We’re halfway through the viable enemies.
We’ve got 35 monsters that I think are pretty good options.
We’re gonna start with the monsters that are supposed to be sexy, so it feels kind
of unfair to use them as the sexy monsters.
Lorelai, Lilith, and all of the succubi, Harpys, Headhunter, Arachnes, Dryads, Rusalka, and Naiads.
I’m just putting these ones all around the sides.
The demons.
The ones with the horns and the wings and they’re really ripped and muscular.
Mothman.
Everyone thinks the Mothman is pretty sexy.
Although this Jersey Devil depiction looks just kind of like a horse with wings, uh,
the actual Jersey Devil comes from an idea of a woman who cursed her 13th child, being like,
“UGH GOD I GOTTA HAVE ANOTHER BABY.”
And then it came out and it grew like a goat’s face and wings, and I just think we need to
start thinking of New Jersey in general as sexier.
And this might be the way to do that.
The Minotaur.
You gotta work through that labyrinth, but once you get in there and find the real Minotaur,
he might kill you.
But, he also might open up and be really lovely.
The Chupacabra is an impish little fella.
First sighted in Puerto Rico and is known throughout lots of Latin America.
His name translates to goat sucker.
Do I have to explain why...
The Fomorians are personifications of chaos and other evil ideas in Irish folklore.
Um, and they're these goat people, uh, and they're ripped as hell.
Lizard Man.
If you don't know why I'm putting this here.
*COME ON*
You gotta go what my Skyrim video.
Banshee comes from Irish folklore and will foretell the death of someone you know.
It's a bit spooky.
It's also super emotionally available.
You won't have to worry about what the Banshee is thinking.
They will tell you when they're upset.
And also when your parents are gonna die.
Slogra.
Doesn't have a folklore or mythology associated with it.
I got nothing for ya.
If you're not attracted to this, you're wrong.
Because the Rycuda only exists in Castlevania, it means that there's... very specific artwork
that you can find of it.
Very modern artwork has been made about the Rycuda, which proves it can be sexy.
Dullahan is an Irish faery that is like a headless horseman sort of character, it's
also another portent of death, but can you think about all the cool Spider-Man kisses
you can do with that?
The Jiang Shi is the Qing dynasty version of a vampire.
Keremet comes out when you bang on his pot a couple times.
It's a good face, right?
I could talk to that thing for hours.
There are so many armors in Castlevania.
No one can turn down a man in uniform.
Or a poltergeist in uniform.
Or literally just an enchanted uniform.
UGHHHHHHH MOTHER OF PEARL I forgot about goblins.
Everyone forgets about goblins though, so I'll put 'em over here!
I also forgot about Siren, that's another thing that's sexy and draws people in.
How did I skip so many of these?
The Guillotiner doesn't look like much, could be a problem, but it's time for us to bring it back.
Slime.
There are already things online.
The Tsuchinoko is a Japanese cryptid that is a snake that is fatter in its middle than
on its head or its tail.
Pat (off camera): I just don't see why it's sexy.
You don't...
Patrick, you gotta understand.
It's not about what you could first see, right?
Pat: I mean, but even after that, what do you see after that?
It has a propensity for lying and for drinking alcohol.
Patrick thinks it shouldn't be this high on the list, but fuck Patrick.
We're at the top five.
But before we get there, um, I have a confession to make.
I've kept six monsters that don't even fit my criteria, but I love them so much that
I think they deserve a chance.
First up is a unique character, it's Nergal Meslamstea.
The reason I think he deserves a chance is because is because someone named him Nergal
Meslamstea.
Of course he's gonna be fucking evil if you name your child...
Why, what is up with people in Castlevania naming their children dumb shit?
Seriously, Alucard?
Dracula, you can't just name your child your name backwards.
I'm not gonna name my son Nairb.
Scary Candle.
It's an inanimate object that is made animate, but I fucking love candles.
Next two I think are pretty self explanatory: Bone Pillar.
And if that doesn't make you happy, how 'bout the Bone Dragon?
This next one is a ghost, and I've already explained why that one shouldn't be included
in this, but I had to because the ghost's name is Duke Mirage.
And if someone comes up to me and introduces themself to me as Duke Mirage,
my pants are already off.
Finally, I know I nixed all animals.
But I really do think we should include Hyena with gun.
That hyena can GET IT.
We're at the top five.
The Malebranche come from Dante's Divine Comedy.
They're all unique demons that are used to help keep corrupt politicians under boiling
pits of tar in Hell.
They all have great names like Cagnazzo and Scarmiglione, which was translated into the
English version as Skull Millione, which is just a Soundcloud rapper.
They're already mischievous, and they hate corrupt politicians.
We can get behind that.
The Myconid is a sentient race of mushroom people.
We have anthropomorphized animalia, why not anthropomorphized fungi?
When I was a kid, my mom thought that I had a nutritional deficit because I kept wanting
to eat mushrooms so much, like I ate only mushrooms for like a whole week.
That has nothing to do with this.
I know I took out all of the werewolf creatures, uh, but this one isn't that.
This is the Princess of Moss.
The human version is based off of
PFBRRRRRRRR UHM OFF WITH THE-ERRR Let them eat cake?
(Pat: Mary Antoinette) Mary Antoinette.
I think we should have more moth creatures in our movies.
Right?
They're already drawn towards the limelight.
It's an Ukoback.
Why is this the second sexiest monster from Castlevania?
I'll tell you why.
He carries around a hot thing of coals in a spoon, and is also responsible not only
for fried foods, but fireworks.
HELL YES.
What a cool dude!
I think Ukobacks could be real sexy, right?
What is more sexy than feeding someone with a lovely fried dish?
And finally, the thing that I think should be new sexy monster.
The Mandrake.
Or the Alura Une.
Basically, any sort of plant person.
Alura Une actually comes from a 1911 book called "Alraune."
It's a German story.
I just think that this kind of gives you a blank slate on something, sure this, this
thing is born from the ground where hanged men bleed, which is spooky, and scary, but
it's not their fault!
Right?
You know, they didn't choose to be born.
Who does choose to be born?
Right?
Who chooses...
The metaphors of how our family raises us, you know, the mandrake is a perfect idea of
something that can become greater than its original circumstances.
*SIGH* So there you go.
The full bestiary of the sexy monsters.
Again, couldn't give you the full full bestiary, because that took me way too long.
And if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw myself into the ocean now.
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE COLD BUT I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS GOING TO BE THAT COLD.
Make sure to like this video and subscribe to Polygon if you want to see more Unraveled,
and go ahead and leave a comment of your new Castlevania title.
Maybe that'll convince them to make a new game.