dish Kimi invites DJ to a pool party to
celebrate her 14th birthday
DJ's concerned because unlike Kimi she's
insecure about her body and won't feel
comfortable in a bathing suit until she
looks like this insane picture on the
cover of a made-up magazine DJ says she
only has two weeks to get skinny and the
diet starts now by throwing these
cookies away
she asked Kimi how she stays so thin and
Kimmy demonstrates it's a casual mix of
waist bends and watching what she eats
DJs taping half-naked models to the
family fridge when Becky comes home she
says looking at these models is
thinspiration stay out of the fridge and
beki tries to tell her about healthy
food she can still enjoy DJ says she's
not trying to think about any food at
all Becky says what really matters is
keeping junk food out of the house
Uncle Jesse shows up with a huge box of
cake DJ's not fazed by the cake and
announces she's going to enjoy this
delicious and savory water pop she made
herself Jesse's doing wedding research
and got enough cake samples to murder a
diabetic pothead they invite DJ to join
the frosted feast but she says she's
fine
sucking this ice cube on a stick that
even kids in third-world countries might
see and say yeah no Michelle goes ham on
that cake DJ's frustrated she only lost
half a pound in two days Jesse says all
she needs to do to lose weight is work
out and they can all go to the gym and
work out as a big family this weekend
because that's a normal thing families
do all the time Danny makes DJ a
sandwich and tells her to eat up because
they're about to hit the gym DJ says
she's skipping lunch and asked Kimmy if
she wants the sandwich Kimmy says it's a
ham sandwich again and she's been eating
her lunch for three straight days and
doesn't want another ham Sammy
Stephanie overhears the sami talk and
adds DJ's also been skipping breakfast
and dinner for three days straight and
doesn't understand how she's still alive
on account of you need to eat things not
to die
DJ promises to eat her sandwich then
promptly feeds that crap to the dog DJ
says comet is lucky because dogs don't
have to wear bathing suits Stephanie
makes this face because she realizes her
sister is a dummy
Stephanie bus DJ for lying about the
sandwich and DJ lies again saying comet
snatched it from her Steph bust her for
lying a second time about the snatching
and when DJ says she wasn't lying those
last two times
Steph bust her for lying a third time
about the lies which honestly feels a
little nitpicky DJ tell Steph she has
one week to look good in a bathing suit
and after that week she'll resume eating
but in that time when DJ will certainly
die from not eating Steph has to pinky
swear she won't tell
anyone about her plan to starve to death
Steph reluctantly pinky swears to keep
this slow suicide a secret the fam goes
to the gym featuring a plethora of oiled
up muscle heads and women with thin
strips of neon fabric wedged up their
assholes DJ wants to know the best way
to burn calories those things she hasn't
had in days
Danny points her to a bike and tells her
to start slow at level one DJ does not
have time for that level one nonsense
and takes that shit straight to level 70
goddamn five what you know about it the
guys go with Michelle for a cute B
storyline it's Michelle doing cute
workout stuff in cute workout clothes
it's a real cute palate cleanser from
the harsh reality that a 14-year old
they bailed on is about to drop dead
upstairs meanwhile DJ hits a new machine
like she's dying of cancer and this
thing has the cure Becky tells the guys
to join her in aerobics class they say
no way because it's 1990 and aerobics
until they see some of those women with
fabric in their boutique racks and
decide they'll give this aerobics thing
a fair shake ignoring DJ in the corner
about to have a goddamn heart attack
aerobics class is whatever who cares the
guy's just post in the back and look at
butt cheeks the aerobics teacher moves
these perverts to the front and they
start flailing around because they're
out of shape it's hilarious if you have
no sense of humor stephanie says DJ has
to see this very bland spectacle DJ says
she'll be right there and falls down
faster than a folding chair in a
hurricane she says she's okay and just
got a little dizzy because she overdid
it it meaning everything except eating
anything Stephanie is sad her sister's
about to die DJ comes down saying she's
well rested and nobody's buying it Joey
said he made chicken parm and invites
her to taste the sauce DJ says she can't
taste the sauce because she just brushed
her teeth even though she definitely
didn't because toothpaste would
borderline count as food DJ starts
yelling because she's hangry and says
she's going to dinner at Kimmy's
Stephanie stops her because she realizes
a pinky swear isn't legally binding she
reveals DJ hasn't eaten in three days
her family warns her that what she's
doing is dangerous because she's riding
a bus with no brakes to crank evil that
will ultimately drop her off with her
dead mom in hell
Danny runs after DJ to console her with
a boring story about how he had body
issues when he was young because he's
tall as shit and lanky as hell but it
doesn't matter because your real friends
will like you no matter what at least at
this age before they start picking
friends based on things like who has a
car who has drugs and who you'd like to
maybe eventually sleep with Danny makes
DJ promise she's going to eat healthy
and exercise then he takes her hungry
ass downstairs so what did we learn
today food isn't just
shit that's stopping your fridge from
floating away you actually need to eat
it in order to survive and if you don't
eat food for several consecutive days
you're going to majorly fuck your shit
up and maybe die but if you know people
around you or watching their weight
don't eat cookies out of the trash in
front of them or taunt them with a cake
buffet or drag them to a gym full of
them possibly fit extras when all they
really need is a gentle reminder that
everyone's miserable all the time and
the only thing you can ever do about it
is shove chicken parm in your mouth with
people you care about and if you see
you're deliriously hungry sister talking
to dogs about bathing suits don't wait
until the break of death to save her
life
because they're designated Guardians
will be too busy looking at butt cheeks
to realize something's horribly wrong
see you next time on a very special
episode
[Music]
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