(whirring)
- We looked over to Bojay, who was holding his stomach,
and he screamed out in the middle of class, oh no!
(laughing)
Which was then followed by the loudest diarrhea noises
anyone had ever heard.
(dramatic dubstep music)
(growling)
(groaning)
(smashing)
(cheering and applauding)
- Thank you, everybody.
So if you don't know, here's what the show is.
It's just a bunch of funny people telling like
100% true stories.
He's absolutely hilarious.
You can get his comedy album on iTunes right now.
It's called James Dean Type.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Sean O'Connor, everybody.
Let him hear it.
(cheering)
- I have enemies.
Let's talk about it.
I have one enemy.
It's my freshman-year Biology teacher, Ms. Sydell.
To paint a picture of what Ms. Sydell looked like,
take Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and then that's it.
She looked exactly like Josh Gordon-Levitt.
She hates me because we had to dissect a baby pig
in her class.
She broke us up into groups.
My group was me, my best friend, Brendan, and a guy,
named Brian Jones who we called Bojay.
We called him Bojay because he tried to tell a story
about a blowjob, and he called it a bojay,
and we were like that is your name forever now.
Get used to that, Bojay.
Bojay was six foot six, 495 pounds, and looked like
a human dolphin, which does not come back in the story,
but you need to know that.
It was really weird.
Now what happens when you dissect a baby pig,
it's super easy.
You cut it open and remove it piece by piece and label it.
We cut it open, and then Bojay was like,
I got it from here, fellas.
He reached his huge paw into the baby pig,
removed everything in one scoop.
Brought it out here and squished it in his hand.
He was holding his fist so tight it was like
he was trying to gain the baby pig's abilities.
He was like, now I'm as strong as a baby pig.
We were like, fuck you, dude.
We're going to summer school.
You suck.
And Bojay was like, would it make you feel better
if I ate this?
I was like Bojay I don't think I've ever felt that good
in my entire life.
You have to eat that.
He was like, okay, and he ate it.
(groans)
And we laughed for 20 minutes.
We stopped laughing just in time to hear the two
funniest words I've ever heard a human being speak.
We looked over to Bojay, who was holding his stomach,
and he screamed out in the middle of class, Oh no!
Which was then followed by the loudest diarrhea noises
anyone had ever heard.
(laughing)
At this point, I was laughing so hard
that I forgot how to breathe, just a
(gasp chuckling)
Brendan was laughing so hard, he started throwing up
in the middle of class, and Bojay was running around
in circles, going, oh no, oh no, oh no
as diarrhea shot out the bottom of his khakis,
creating this evil Spirograph.
(laughing)
Ms. Sydell was teaching the class.
She looked over.
It was the first time I ever heard a teacher curse.
She screamed out, what the fuck!
She was 4'11.
It was like our school was built on an Indian burial ground,
and it all came out through her then.
Bojay stopped, pointed at us and said,
they made me eat the pig.
Ms. Sydell looked us in our kid eyes,
and she said, fuck you, both.
She was 63-years-old.
We'd never felt passion before
because we were 14.
Now we have negative feelings about it.
We can't connect with people.
We had to go down to the principal
because that's where you go next.
The principal was like a cool, young principal,
sitting in his chair backwards, like what's the haps?
And I'm like, I'll tell you what the haps is
we were dissecting a baby pig, and what happens when
you do that is you cut it open, remove it piece by piece,
and label it, but Brian reached his huge hand into it,
pulled everything out, brought it out here,
squished it in his hand, and then he was like,
should I eat this right now?
And I don't remember what I said.
(laughing)
And he ate it and pooped everywhere.
I was like what happens now?
He was like, I don't know, I just got this job.
He called the last principal to find out.
What happens now is we had to go see a therapist
to take a personality disorder test
to find out if we were sociopaths or not.
Anyone ever do that?
One guy.
No one's moving away from you, that's good.
What happens, for those of you who've never done that,
you go in, there's a therapist.
They ask you one question a hundred times,
and that question is if everyone in your town died,
would you care?
And then you're 14, so you're like, sure.
I don't know, who cares.
They're like, you're not a sociopath, go home.
We go home.
This next part makes me seem like a sociopath.
Sorry in advance.
I was on AOL Instant Messenger or Instant Messenger.
I got an IM from Bojay, and he said, hey,
I totally forgive you for making me eat that pig.
I was like, it was your idea, but thanks.
And then he was like, since we're such good friends,
you should know there's a child molester
in your neighborhood, do not go outside tonight.
Now, we are 15 years later.
And I have no idea what he meant by that.
Still, I am baffled.
But my 14-year-old brain was like, he's trying to prank you.
Prank him back.
So the next day we go in to school,
we go up to a water fountain, and we pour water
all over our eyes like we had been crying
for the last 12 hours.
We go up to Bojay and we're like, we should've listened
to you, man.
(laughter building)
We were molested last night.
Bojay said, I'm sorry to hear that, waked to the principal's
office, told him that we were molested,
and we had to go to therapy for five more months.
Thank you, guys, I'm Sean O'Connor.
(dramatic dubstep music)