Warning: the following contains spoilers for seasons 1-3.
For a spoiler-free version, click here.
Just come back and watch the real version when you’re all caught up…
wuss!
From fiction’s most notorious serial killer,
comes the TV adaptation
of the medieval encyclopedia/
that is…
God, that song’s cool!
Get ready for the show that has viewers of the edge of their seats,
wondering what will happen next,
and as people who’ve read the books acting all smug because they already know.
It’s the abusive show
you keep watching no matter how many times it hurts you.
How long do I have to look?
Full of disturbing imagery like…
incest,
beheadings,
attempted child murder,
more incest…
And that’s just the first episode!
Travel to Westeros,
a place where everything is the thing of nouns.
The Hand of the King.
– Light of the Seven. – Brienne of Tarth.
– Lord of Bones. – Lord of Light.
– Master of Coin. – Mother of Dragons.
– Son of Dolf. – Son of Fire!
– Warrior of Light. – Bank of Braavos.
Lord of Winterfell and Warden of the North.
Watch as everyone fights to sit in the world’s most uncomfortable chair,
while completely ignoring an invasion of ice zombies
that threatens to kill them all.
Seriously, someone should really get on that!
Meet unforgettable heroes,
who were still alive when we wrote this Honest Trailer.
Jon Snow,
a mopey bastard who doesn’t know anything.
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Tyrion Lannister, a character who’s so awesome.
Imp slap!
Peter Dinklage will get every good dwarf role until he dies,
or Warwick Davis kills him.
And Daenerys Targaryen,
a super hot queen obsessed with her dragons.
Where are my dragons?
She’s out for vengeance against the people who killed her family.
Eventually…
One of these days…
Can we just fast-forward to that part?
Watch as these heroes struggle
to end the reign of King Justin Bieber.
Leave her face.
I like her pretty.
God, if he doesn’t die this season,
I’m gonna fucking kill him myself!
Fucking hate that kid!
Ride along on an adventure
where any lead character can die.
Whether you’re Sean Bean,
Sean Bean’s wife,
Sean Bean’s best friend,
Sean Bean’s son,
Sean Bean’s daughter-in-law,
Sean Bean’s family dogs,
or Sean Bean’s unborn grandkid.
All men must die…
who are in any way close to Sean Bean.
So begin the epic journey, so long and complicated,
we hope the creator doesn’t eat himself to death
before he’s finished writing it.
And settle in for a show with so many monologues,
HBO will desperately try to keep your attention
by any boobs necessary.
Not that I’m complaining.
Boobs!
Starring the ten characters whose names you actually remember.
And all these other characters whose names you actually don’t remember.
Like the sneaky guy.
The sneaky bald guy.
Carl Drago.
Those Gay Dudes.
Lord Friend Zone.
Grumpy Old Dad.
That’s the same person, right?
Sand- San- Sansa?
Bronn?
Bran?
Bronn again?
Sam? No, Sam’s the fat one from
She’s the one who had a demon baby!
That’s the guy that got his dick cut off.
I don’t remember her name, but she’s super hot.
That’s Tyrion’s hooker girlfriend!
Hodor! That’s Hodor!
Now, you’re just messing with me.
No idea.
Faceless Assassin! That guy’s awesome!
Not a clue.
Dunno.
I got nothin’.
None of these are ringing a bell.
Go make up your own names, nerds!
Game of Thrones.
It’s kinda like a history test, but with dragons
and boobs!
If you put any spoilers in the comments, I’ll kill you.
But to all my book bros: R + L = J.
You know what I’m talking about.
A Lannister always subscribes.
So click that button now.
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