- I've realized, right, trying to do the
international show, that the cultural divide
is so much greater than we think.
The biggest difference, I realized,
between us and our American cousins, right,
when I went to California was the attitude to drinking.
Completely different!
I heard sentences in California
that I've never heard before in my life.
Sentences like this,
"Oh my God.
Oh my God!
Did you see Larry?
Larry had four glasses of wine with dinner!
(audience laughing)
I think Larry may be an alcoholic"
(audience laughing)
Yes, I know!
Four glasses of wine with dinner in America,
you're an alcoholic!
Four glasses of wine with dinner in Britain,
you're the designated driver!
(audience laughing)
Last weekend, okay, we went to Amsterdam, all right?
So, we're in Amsterdam, and me and my chums
rupe some diggers, right?
We're down this kind of backstreet
and one of them diggers, naughty guy,
okay, diggers is smoking some of the weedy puff.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I'm not really into it, as you probably guessed
by the fact that I just called it weedy puff out loud.
(audience laughing)
Weedy puff.
Weed.
That's how normal people talk, Jack.
No, so, he was smoking some weed.
And he turns to me and he went, ya know,
"Jack, do you wanna have a suck on this?"
Ah, not, not suck.
Not suck!
That is not the word that he used.
That is not what he
(laughing)
this story is going really well.
Yeah, I was down a backstreet with one of my friends
and he asked me if I wanna have a suck on this.
That is not
(audience laughing)
I'm having a brain burp.
Well, not suck.
What's the word?
Puff!
Thank you to the crack whore down the front.
(audience laughing)
"Do you wanna have a puff on this weed?"
Anyway, I said no because, you know,
we're in public.
It's not a great look.
What if someone sees?
He went, "Jack, two things.
Firstly, it's legal.
Secondly, we're in Holland.
No one knows who the fuck you are.
(audience laughing)
Smoke it."
Now, I'm not proud, okay?
I gave in to the peer pressure.
This is why you cannot smoke a spliff
on the street in the year 2017.
I shit you not, as I put this spliff
to my lips, I looked up and the bloody
Google Maps car with the 360 camera was driving.
(audience roaring)
(audience clapping)
(audience cheering)
There's certain situations in life, right,
where every time I fall apart.
Complaining is one of them.
Passport control, that's another.
Can't do it.
And I don't have anything to hide.
(laughing)
I mean, it doesn't help that I have
the creepiest passport photo that has ever been taken.
People looking at me thinking you've got
a bad passport photo, you have not seen anything yet.
Brace yourselves for this shit.
(audience laughing)
[Jack] What is that?
(laughing)
I look like I've just taken Liam Neeson's daughter.
(audience laughing)
Yes, very funny, Benedict, we can all read.
(audience laughing)
So, every time I approach passport control
that is in my head.
That I'm about to hand that over.
It does not excuse how much I fall apart
under the most basic of questioning.
I walk up, I'm like,
"Hello."
"Where are you traveling from today, sir?"
"France. No, Spain.
Shit, sorry, Italy.
Don't know why I said that.
Didn't sleep on the plane.
Drugs didn't work.
Not drugs, like, drugs, drugs.
I mean, drugs like sleeping pill drugs.
I don't have any drugs on me.
I promise you I'm not a mule.
Don't look at my bottom.
I have explosive diarrhea.
Not explosive like a bomb.
Shit!
Just said bomb in an airport.
Well, it's just a word.
The more you say it, the less offensive it becomes.
Bomb, bomb, bomb.
Oh, it's like a song.
Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb.
I'll stop saying bomb now cause you're
all looking at me like I'm a terrorist.
I promise you I'm not a terrorist.
I'm just Jack.
Plain old Jack.
Hi, Jack.
Not highjack!
Shit, no!
Don't shoot!"
(audience cheering)
Why do people think it's acceptable
to cut in line at airports?
Never acceptable to barge the line, all right?
Some people think there are exceptions.
Like, if you're late.
Not an excuse.
(audience laughing)
I was waiting to check in in the airport the other day,
this woman comes barging to the front
and proffers this bullshit.
"Sorry, excuse me, sorry, excuse me, sorry.
I've got to get a flight."
(audience laughing)
Well, no shit Sherlock!
We're in a fucking airport!
Why do you think I'm here?
To buy a bit Toblerone?
Hm?
Please let me get out of your way with these bags
which I just take with me everywhere!
Back of the line!
(audience laughing)
The reason I hate traveling is cause
I can't sleep in public.
And I can't sleep in public because
I sleep with my eyes open.
(audience laughing)
Medical condition, not just a habit
from boarding school.
(audience roaring)
Watch it!
(laughing)
Apparently 4% of the population
sleep with their eyes open.
Does anyone else?
No, no one.
Well, there might be some and we don't know.
They've nodded off.
(laughing)
(audience laughing)
Mine's not the whole way, but if I fall asleep
with my contact lenses in,
it's pretty peculiar.
A friend of mine took a photograph of me recently
passed out in public.
This is the look we're going for.
Yeah!
(audience laughing)
Hello ladies!
(audience laughing)
Such an embarrassing photo of me
to have to show you.
Please don't tell anyone that I was on a bus.
(audience roaring)
So bad, this situation.
So bad, right, that someone complained about me once
on a plane.
I know.
I was like, "Uh, it is a medical condition, okay?"
But looking back on it now, I can kind of see it
from my fellow passenger's perspective.
Because he did not know that I slept with my eyes open.
Also, not the only trick that my body plays on me
when I fall asleep.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, a couple of you are ahead of me, yeah?
(audience laughing)
I imagine from my fellow passenger
it was quite unnerving that for the duration
of a three hour flight,
every time he turned to his left,
the passenger in the seat next to him
appeared to be slumped there,
gazing into his eyes,
drool tumbling from my bottom lip,
nursing a semi.
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
(audience cheering)