OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
SPOILERS!
This is a prequel to Wolverine Origins.
There's this guy named "Jason Lee If He Worked Out Every Day"...
...and he's an assassin for teenage girls who have a lot of money!
A...very broad market.
But he falls in love with a prostitute while playing skee-ball.
Yes, that old cliche.
But he suddenly finds out he has cancer!
I had cancer once!
There is no way I can make a joke that won't offend somebody, so I will just move on.
So he does what any man in his position would do.
Leaves his girlfriend behind...
...donates his body to mad scientists...
...subjects himself to a life of torture...
...and all in the name of becoming a superhero!
*chuckle* It's like this guy read my biography.
So Muscle-Bound Jason Lee is really upset...
...because it turns out a guy named Francis lied to him!
They weren't making superheroes, they were making superslaves!
Well, that's the last time I agree to go with a person who says he can cure cancer and make me a superhero!
You can't fool me eight times!
But Muscle-Bound Jason Lee gets out of it by burning himself alive!
Often the answer I usually choose.
And he's out to get revenge as Deadpool!
The only problem is he looks like Freddy Krueger made love to an avocado.
Oh wait, they already made that joke.
He says he doesn't want his mouth sewn shut because it reminds him of Wolverine Origi--
Wait, they made that joke too.
He wants to be sure not to be the next Green Lanter--
Wow, this is really hard.
When a movie makes so many fourth-wall jokes, what can I say about it?
Oooh, I know!
When it's not making fourth-wall jokes, the movie is actually kind of boring.
Like, you know that Mark Wahlberg and Ice-T movie that you see advertised, like, every other weekend?
The one where they wear backwards hats and carry guns?
The plot to those movies is pretty much the plot to Deadpool.
"He had a good life..."
"...until tragedy struck..."
"...and he made the wrong choices!"
"Now, one man is out for revenge..."
"...but they kidnapped his girl!"
"So, he's gonna have to break the rules!"
Yeah, you know the trailer to those movies you never see, that's it.
But when he does make fourth-wall jokes, it's really funny!
It's like watching Bugs Bunny in Training Day or something!
Oh, and one and a half X-Men are in it!
But seeing how it's the only X-Men character ever that actually looks a hundred percent and acts a hundred percent like an X-Men character...
...that technically makes this the best X-Men movie ever.
And their names are Colossus and some girl I've never heard of before.
But she can blow up!
So I think her name was SponTEENeous Combustion.
I worked on that on the walk from the theater.
That was a fun 20 miles.
So Deadpool is staying with a blind lady who everybody is gonna think is Uhura, but isn't!
And he calls on the help of the one and a half X-Men to get his girlfriend back!
And Deadpool is like:
"Let's make literally one chimichanga joke and kick some ass!"
And Colossus is like:
"How come only you can make the fourth-wall jokes but we don't catch on to 'em?"
"Because I'm the only fictional character who knows he's a fictional character!"
"How?"
"Nobody cares because I'm funny and I do a lot of gory stuff!"
"You're what every thirteen-year-old boy thinks he can be."
"Except with an army of writers!"
"And the ability to dub in better jokes in case they think of them later."
(Yeah, OBVIOUS!) "Yes, you couldn't do that if I wasn't wearing the mask."
So Deadpool has Francis in his clutches!
But Colossus is like:
"You can't do that, I'm going to talk about what it means to be a real hero and I'm gonna go on and on even though the entire audience has already guessed the joke and they're just waiting for you to pull the trig--"
*gunshot*
"Thank you, now I'm gonna see if they keep me Russian in X-Men: Apocalypse."
So Deadpool meets up with his girlfriend and he's like:
"I know I'm really ugly and you're really beautiful, but I'm kinda hoping we can do that early 2000s sitcom thing where the really hot chick gets together with the unattractive guy..."
"I think if we want to give our main demographic any hope, we better."
"End on an in-joke?"
"End on an in-joke."
"I'm Ferris Bueller and Cable's gonna be in the next movie!"
Hooray!
So Deadpool was a lot of fun, I especially like the parts where he looked right into the camera and talked to the people.
But isn't it kind of distracting when he does that?
I mean, doesn't it just draw more attention to the fact that he's a fictional character?
Doesn't that make it so friggin' obvious that the illusion is just totally shattered?
"This is Chester A. Bum saying..."
I have a Nostalgia Critic to shoot.
No, no closing line, I have work to do.