IS ANYONE READY FOR CHRISTMAS?
I REALLY HOPE NO ONE IS, BECAUSE
MY KIDS, THOUGH, ARE VERY READY.
THEY'VE HAD ENOUGH OF BEING
GOOD.
THEY ARE DONE WITH IT.
THIS ELF ON THE SHELF IS LIKE
THE FBI WATCHING THEM AT ALL
TIMES.
MY DAUGHTER JANE IS 5 NOW.
SHE'S VERY FOCUSSED ON THE ELF.
WE HAVE TO MOVE HIM AROUND AT
NIGHT, SHE SAYS WHERE DOES THE
ELF GO EVERY NIGHT.
AND MY WIFE SAYS HE GOES HOME TO
THE NORTH POLE TO TELL SANTA
WHAT HE SAW.
AM
AND SHE SAYS HOW DOES HE GO ALL
THE WAY BACK THERE AND THEN BACK
HERE FOR MORNING.
AND THEN SHE SAID, AM I SUPPOSED
TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING?
THINGS ARE HARD TO BELIEVE.
IN WASHINGTON TONIGHT, THEY ARE
DECORATING THE HALLS OF CONGRESS
AS WE CELEBRATE IMPEACHMENT EVE.
TOMORROW THE HOUSE WILL VOTE TO
PRESUMABLY IMPEACH DONALD TRUMP.
IF I WORKED AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
I WOULD DEFINITELY CALL IN SICK
TOMORROW.
I'D BE LIKE, OH, I FEEL
SOMETHING COMING ON.
REPUBLICANS CONTINUE TO INSIST
THERE'S NOTHING ILLEGAL ABOUT
THE ILLEGAL THINGS THE PRESIDENT
DID.
THEY'RE DOUBLING DOWN ON
CONSPIRACY THEORIES, DISTRACTION
TECHNIQUES.
THEY'RE DEMANDING TO KNOW THE
IDENTITY OF JOE BIDEN'S SECRET
SANTA.
IT'S GOTTEN RIDICULOUS.
YESTERDAY THE HOUSE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE RELEASED A 658-PAGE
REPORT DETAILING THE PRESIDENT'S
MISDEEDS.
YOU EXPECT THE AMERICAN PUBLIC
TO READ A 650-PAGE ANYTHING?
WE CAN'T CATCH UP ON OUR TV
SHOWS.
UNLESS THAT REPORT COMES PRINTED
ON A PIZZA BOX, NOBODY IS GOING
TO SEE IT.
THE PRESIDENT LASHED OUT TODAY,
SHOCKING, I KNOW.
HE SAID HE TAKES ZERO
RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS
IMPEACHMENT.
OF COURSE HE SAYS THE SAME ABOUT
ERIC AND DONALD JR.
HE SENT A SIX-PAGE LETTER TO
NANCY PELOSI, THE SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE.
AND THIS MIGHT BE THE MOST
DERANGED LETTER TO SANTA EVER.
IT'S A LONG, STUPID,
DISINGENUOUS AND INCOHERENT
DEFENSE, SIGNED BY AN ANGRY
GORILLA WITH A SHARPIE.
IS THAT A SIGNATURE OR A
SEIZURE?
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T SNORT
SUDAFED ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.
ONCE TRUMP GETS IMPEACHED, WHICH
WILL HAPPEN TOMORROW, THERE WILL
BE A TRIAL IN THE
REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED SENATE.
THAT WILL BE A JOKE.
SENATE LEADER MITCH McCONNELL
REJECTED DEMOCRAT'S REQUEST FOR
WITNESSES.
HE WANTS A NO-WITNESS TRIAL.
HE SAID IHE'LL BE RUNNING THE
TRIAL IN COORDINATION WITH THE
WHITE HOUSE.
THAT'S SMART, LET THE GUY IN IT
RUN IT.
60% OF AMERICANS, THANK YOU.
BELIEVE THAT TRUMP WILL GET A
FAIR TRIAL IN THE SENATE.
OH, THANKS, EVERYBODY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT WHEN THEY SAY A FAIR TRIAL,
THEY DON'T MEAN UNBIASSED.
THEY MEAN THEY'RE EXPECTING IT
TO BE FAIR LIKE A COUNTY FAIR
WITH CORN DOGS AND FARM ANIMALS
AND A PERFORMANCE BY TOBY KEITH.
WHAT IS -- OH, MY GOSH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SCARED ME.
IT'S BRIE LARSON, EVERYBODY.
>> HI.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Jimmy: LURKING BEHIND ME.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, BUT WHAT
ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
>> I'M PRACTICING.
>> Jimmy: PRACTICING WHAT?
>> I'M PRACTICING TO DO THE
MONOLOGUE TOMORROW.
>> Jimmy: TOMORROW I HAVE AN
EXCUSED ABSENCE AND BRIE HAS
AGREED TO STEP IN FOR ME.
>> I HAVE CAUSTIC AMOUNTS OF
RADIATION FROM A CAUSTIC ROCK.
>> Jimmy: SO THIS IS THIS NOW.
>> I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THE
PHYSICALITY OF WHAT IT MEANS TO
BE A TALK SHOW HOST.
I WANT TO STAND LIKE YOU, TALK
LIKE YOU, AND I'M EVEN WEARING
YOUR SPANX RIGHT NOW.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WEIRD.
I'M SORRY, I DON'T MEAN TO JUDGE
YOU.
>> IT'S FINE, IT'S FINE.
FINISH THAT AND I'LL GISJUST BE
OVER HERE, BE NATURAL.
DON'T MIND ME.
>> Jimmy: THAT'S BRIE LARSON,
EVERYBODY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OKAY, SO, THIS IS A HOLIDAY
THING THAT I DIDN'T KNOW WAS A
THING UNTIL TODAY.
APPARENTLY WE HAVE A SHOPPING
PROBLEM IN THE UNITED STATES.
THAT, WE KNEW.
BUT OUT OF TWO OUT OF FIVE
AMERICANS, 39% DO THEIR HOLIDAY
SHOPPING WHILE DRIVING.
>> DRIVING!
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS WRONG WITH
PEOPLE.
DO YOUR SHOPPING WHERE EVERYONE
ELSE DOES IT, AT WORK.
>> AT WORK!
SORRY.
>> Jimmy: I'M SORRY.
THIS IS MAKING IT A LITTLE HARD
FOR ME TO DO THIS.
>> THIS IS MAKING IT A LITTLE
HARD, YEAH, OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY THAT THIS IS YOUR, I'M
JUST TRYING TO DO A GOOD JOB.
I'LL GET OUT OF YOUR WAY.
I'LL GO.
I'M LEAVING.
>> Jimmy: THANKS, BRIE.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
>> OKAY.
>> Jimmy: BACK TO THE DRIVING
AND SHOPPING, IT'S A DANGEROUS
THING TO DO, AND YOU SHOULDN'T
DO IT, BUT IF YOU DO DO IT AND A
COP PULLS YOU OVER AND ASKS WHAT
YOU WERE DOING ON YOUR PHONE,
JUST SAY, "BUYING YOU AN X BOX,
OFFICER."
YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN, AREN'T
YOU?
>> YOU'RE REALLY BEING A BABY
ABOUT THIS, BYE.
>> Jimmy: I'M TRYING, THANK YOU.
IT'S ANNOYING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, SO ANYWAY, WHERE WAS
I?
OH, ABC YESTERDAY UNVEILED A NEW
CROP OF ROMANTIC HOPEFULS FOR
THE NEW SEASON OF "THE
BACHELOR."
DID YOU SEE ANY OF THESE?
THREE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS AND FIVE
BEAUTY PAGEANT WINNERS THIS
SEASON.
AND SOME OF THE CONTESTANTS HAVE
INTERESTING JOBS.
KELSEY IS A PROFESSIONAL
CLOTHIER FROM IOWA, WHICH I
BELIEVE MEANS SHE WORKS AT
MARSHALLS.
AINVENT
AVENLY IS A CATTLE RANCHER, ONE
LAT
LATE ENTRY, MIKE BLOOMBERG, WHO
CLAIMS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE.
THAT'S, THAT'S BRIE LARSON,
SHE'S VERY COMMITTED TO THIS.
BY THE WAY, THE REASON BRIE IS
HOSTING OUR SHOW TOMORROW,
TOMORROW NIGHT IN PRIME TIME,
I'M TEAMING UP WITH NORMAN LEER
FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF LIVE IN
FRONT OF A STUDIO AUDIENCE.
WE DID THIS IN MAY.
WE DID EPISODES OF "ALL IN THE
FAMILY" AND "THE JEFFERSONS".
AND THIS YEAR WE'RE DOING "ALL
IN THE FAMILY" AND "GOOD TIMES."
JOINING US NOW IS EVERYBODY FROM
THE CAST.
HOW ARE YOU?
THANKS FOR BEING A PART OF THIS.
LOOK AT THAT, THERE THEY ARE
WITH THE GREAT NORMAN LEAR FROM
"ALL IN THE FAMILY."
DOES ANYONE FEEL THAT SIGNING UP
FOR THIS WAS A HUGE MISTAKE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, ANYONE CAN ANSWER THIS.
WHAT'S THE SCARIEST PART OF
DOING THE SHOW LIVE?
>> THE FACT THAT THERE WILL BE
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WATCHING AND
YOU MIGHT MESS UP.
>> I'M SCARED I MIGHT CUSS.
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU IN THE MIDDLE
OF REHEARSALS RIGHT NOW.
>> YES.
>> Jimmy: IT'S GOOD THAT I
INTERRUPTED THAT.
WHO KNOWS THEIR LINES BEST OF
EVERYONE AT THIS POINT?
WHO IS IN THE BEST SHAPE?
[ TALKING SIMULTANEOUSLY ]
THERE'S SOME MIXED, SOME OF YOU
KNOW THE LINES WELL.
LAST TIME WE DID THIS, ELLIE
KEMPER, YOU ANNOUNCED THAT WERE
YOU PREGNANT.
>> I DID.
>> Jimmy: IS THERE ANYTHING YOU
OR ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE
NOW?
>> I'M PREGNANT!
>> YAY!
>> Jimmy: TIFFANY HADDISH IS
HERE, HAVE YOU FOUND A HUSBAND
ON SET?
>> NO, BUT I'M WORKING ON T I
INVITED SOME BACHELORS.
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A CONTEST
TOMORROW NIGHT.
GOING DOWN.
MY CREDIT SCORE'S GOING UP, TOO,
SO I'M CATCH.
>> Jimmy: NOW WOODY AND MARISSA
PLAY ARCHIE AND EDITH BUNKER.
WILL YOU BE SMOKING ARCHIE'S
SIGNATURE CIGARS?
OR HAVING YOUR OWN PRE-ROLLED?
>> THAT'S UP TO YOU, JIMMY.
YOU'RE THE PRODUCER.
>> Jimmy: I'M REALLY EXCITED
ABOUT IT.
LAST TIME, WE WON AN EMMY FOR
THIS.
SO THE PRESSURE IS REALLY ON,
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY?
LET'S NOT HAVE ANY SCREWUPS AT
ALL.
THANK YOU ALL.
WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.
"ALL IN THE FAMILY", AND "GOOD
TIMES", HERE ON ABC.
AND BY THIS TIME TOMORROW NIGHT
EVERY ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WILL
BE ZERO DEGREES FROM KEVIN
BACON, WHICH IS PROBABLY THE
MOST EXCITING THING OF ALL.
SO TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE HAVE A
GOOD ONE.
OH, BRIE, DCOME BACK TOMORROW!
>> THANK YOU FOR THE
OPPORTUNITY.
>> Jimmy: YOU'RE WELCOME.
>> Jimmy: TONIGHT ON THE SHOW,
KAREN GILLAN, MARK ROBER,
KEVIN GARNETT IS HERE AND WE'LL
BE RIGHT BACK WITH ADAM SANDLER.