♪♪
-Hello, everyone, and welcome to Thanksgiving "Corrections."
We're putting this out a day early,
because it's Thanksgiving, and...
if we're not thankful for "Corrections,"
what is there to be thankful for?
I mentioned Flamin' Hot Cheetos, and I talked about the sauce.
I was corrected.
Flamin' Hot Cheetos do not have a sauce on them.
They have a dust on them.
Which I should have remembered from the famous Cheetos slogan,
"Mmm. That's good dust."
[ Laughter ]
I mispronounced the member of a crew team
that does the steering.
I pronounced it "cock-swain," which is incorrect.
It's "cock-sun."
In my defense, I pronounced it the way it's spelled.
But, of course, that's not good enough at old Oxford.
Oh, "cock-swain" -- how quaint. [ Laughter ]
That's how they get you.
At Oxford.
'Cause then you say to them,
"Well, how do you pronounce it?" and they say,
"Oh, perhaps you'll buy one of our dictionaries."
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to go to Oxford, I don't want to go to Cambridge.
You imagine going to Cambridge?
Spending every day worried you were
about to get recruited to be a Russian spy.
[ Laughter ]
"We love the Cambridge Four, don't we?"
[ Laughter ] We love 'em.
Burgess, Blunt, Philby, and Maclean.
"Cambridge Four!
They added a fifth later.
Cairncross -- didn't care for him."
It is helpful that it is pronounced "cock-sun"
and not the way it's spelled, because that's how they caught
a lot of the kids in that admissions scandal.
They would bring them in at, say, Yale or Dartmouth,
and they'd say, "Oh, I see here you did crew."
They'd say, "Yeah, I did crew."
And they'd say, "Now, I'm just wondering,
did you have someone helping you with the steering wheel,
with your backs to the action while you're rowing?"
"Yeah. Yeah, we did."
And they'd say, "Just out of curiosity,
what did you call that person?"
"Uh, well, you know, we'd call them Fred."
[ Laughter ]
"F-Fred did m-most of the steering."
"So, yeah, but did Fred have a job?
Like, what would you call --
what would call Fred's role in the crew team?"
They'd go, "Uh...
..."cock-swain"? -"Get out!"
[ Laughter ]
We showed a graphic of Joe Flacco --
Jets quarterback Joe Flacco --
wearing the number 5. He's the number 19.
In our defense, Joe Flacco was on the Jets last year.
He left the Jets as a free agent.
He was then traded back to the Jets.
He was 5 last year. He's 19 this year.
So, slightly defensible,
but we heard from a lot of Jets fans,
because if there is one thing
Jets fans demand, it is error-free execution.
[ Laughter ]
We did -- The reason we had a joke
about Joe Flacco is he admitted --
to his credit, he admitted he was not vaccinated
against COVID Five -- COVID-19 -- did it again.
[ Laughter ]
And I'm wondering, do you think he would have got vaccinated
if the vaccine protected you
from being traded back to the Jets?
[ Laughter ]
If it like 95% prevented you
from being traded back to the Jets.
I feel like, at that point,
you'd stop doing your own research.
"I got COVID twice." "You think you got it bad?"
[ Laughter ]
This is embarrassing.
We implied...
that you send Beetlejuice away by saying his name three times,
but. of course, you summon
Beetlejuice by saying his name three times.
I don't -- I do not know if this will work, but, um...
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.
[ FaceTime ringing ]
Nope.
As a consolation prize,
this is my impression of me asking Michael Keaton...
[ Ringtone plays ]
[ Laughter ]
Someone's calling me.
[ Ringtone continues ]
[ FaceTime call ends ] Oh.
[ FaceTime ringing ]
[ Laughter ]
[ FaceTime call starts ] -Hey. What's up?
Yeah, do, uh -- do Beetlejuice.
-"Uh, you hate sandworms? Can't stand 'em myself."
[ Croaks ]
-[ Laughs ] Love you.
[ Laughter ]
Worth every one of the three phone calls.
[ Laughter ]
Um -- Oh, so we've made a few jokes about --
It was in the news.
It was reported in a lot of the news that,
in a new comic, Superman...
would come out -- was gonna come out as bisexual.
Now, I should clarify, and a lot of people
are very happy with the number of
comic-book fans who watch this show.
It's not Clark Kent Superman who came out as bisexual.
It's his son, Jonathan Kent,
who sometimes serves the role of Superman.
And they've been the most lovely comments,
because it is comic-book fans who care very much
about getting the details right, who also want to make it clear
they're not upset about the sexuality part of it.
So, like, "It's not Superman! That would be fine."
[ Laughter ]
But it's Jonathan Kent who is bisexual, and, you know,
Clark Kent, the Superman we know, um...
I think his sexuality is very clear.
He doesn't he doesn't go back and forth, right?
He stays in his lane.
[ Laughter ]
I like that joke so much that I, um...
I reached out and asked if I can get a Superman T-shirt
because I was going to think about ripping this open
and having it.
And I mentioned to Eric --
incredibly talented man who runs our wardrobe department --
and he said, "You want to do what?"
[ Laughter ]
Mentioned baby carrots.
I got some very interesting feedback on baby carrots.
Two kinds of baby carrots. There are baby carrots you grow.
But there are also baby-cut carrots.
These are carrots, I think,
that are more common in a supermarket.
These are cut from regular-sized carrots
and have far less nutritional value
than baby-grown carrots versus baby-cut carrots and...
someone -- a jackal posited that they think that
the baby-cut carrots come from carrots
that are so misshapen that people wouldn't buy them.
So that's how they're making --
they're still getting their carrot money out of it.
But you have to be careful if you ever --
and I'm not recommending you do this.
If you ever buy your baby carrots
on the black market, just know that
your connect, if you will,
might do a thing, which is very common
in this kind of deal, where they'll show up
with a duffel bag or, you know,
some of the fancier guys still use briefcases,
and what they'll do is, they'll show you the baby carrots,
and they'll put the good baby carrots up top.
But then underneath, it's just baby-cut carrots.
So you just have to -- just know, reach --
before you pay the money for your baby carrots,
you know, dig in the bottom.
You know, it's -- I use a jeweler's loop.
[ Laughter ]
You look for a cut.
And then if you still can't tell --
This is weird, and I know this sounds like a bit.
The way you can tell is, you go like this.
[ Laughter ]
And then if you feel like you've been ripped off,
it's very important to just look
and, you know, look at your dealer
and say something along the lines of like,
"Do you take me for a fool?"
[ Laughter ]
Corn.
I said corn was a vegetable. A lot of feedback on that.
Not -- I still don't have any clarity.
USDA says it's a starchy vegetable.
Some of you said it's a grain.
Some of you said it's a grain when you take it off the cob.
It's a vegetable when you have it on the cob.
But it did, you know -- led me to my research, which --
You know, sometimes the best part about Corrections
is that I'm learning new things to impart upon you.
This is a true story about corn.
The first Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims, 1621,
they invited the Wampanoag tribe,
and they said to the leader,
"We would like to have you for Thanksgiving."
And the head of the Wampanoag tribe said, "Great.
Is there anything we can bring?"
And they said, "Sure. A vegetable."
So then it's Thanksgiving Day,
and the Wampanoag tribe shows up with corn.
And one of the Pilgrims, a woman --
I don't want to be critical of her.
The Pilgrims famously had a very hard first year --
rough winter, new land,
left all their friends behind, long boat ride.
So there are reasons that they would maybe be rude.
But what happened is the Wampanoag showed up and said,
"Here's our vegetable," and they brought their corn,
and this female Pilgrim, like, mumbled and her breath
and said, "If ya call corn a vegetable."
[ Laughter ]
And that was, um --
That was the first Jacksgiving.
[ Laughter ]
I said some things wrong.
Couple of flubs.
I said Ray-Mans glasses instead of Ray-Bans.
I said "skate bark" instead of "skate park."
And I said "Traders Joe's."
Which I think sounds better.
We say -- Someone said, "You say this a lot
and you're getting it wrong."
Semblance of normalcy.
And I will -- that does sound like something Sal would write.
Technically, the correct vocabulary
is "semblance of normality," and this is fascinating.
Warren Harding, President Warren Harding
in the '20s gave a speech where he had a malaprop,
and he accidentally said "semblance of normalcy,"
and then that became acceptable, even though it's not --
was not a word before he said it wrong,
and that just goes to show you you can make a mistake
that then becomes accepted.
A hundred years from now,
we might all call it Traders Joe's.
[ Laughter ]
I am now very excited to...
give what I think is the best Correction I will ever give.
I feel very confident this is the best Correction
I will ever give.
I have said on this show many times
that I am the father of two.
That is incorrect.
For the last 10 weeks, I have been the father of three.
10 weeks ago, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
Usually, this is something I would announce on the show,
but we all decided
that Corrections could use the traffic.
[ Laughter ]
Her name is -- And I should say you --
We knew what we were going to name her for a long time.
And you have to be careful.
I think everyone who's ever had a kid knows this.
You want to be careful
telling people the name before a baby is born
because some people in your family
might go so far as to tell you why they don't like it,
and that ruins it for you, so you have to wait.
You wait until the baby's born,
and then you say what the name is because it's too late
at that point for anybody to say anything.
However, some of us -- some of us have people
in our families who will still comment on a name
after it's too late to change it.
I have a sister-in-law. Love her very much.
Dear, dear friend of mine.
Knew her before I knew my wife.
Her name escapes me.
[ Laughter ]
But my sister-in-law -- And let me say
if you don't have -- if you don't have a sister-in-law,
get -- go out and get one posthaste.
They are -- It's the --
It's like your wife with none of the intimacy
and all of the opinions.
[ Laughter ]
So, we had our first son.
We named him Ashe, which is my wife's maiden name.
And his middle name is Olson,
which is my mother's maiden name.
And we thought it was a beautiful tribute
to two incredible women.
And my sister-in-law,
when she heard that we named our son Ashe Olson Meyers, said,
"Are you worried people will think you named him
after Ashley Olsen?"
And I immediately said,
"I don't think a single person will think that."
They might think it sounds like Ashley Ols--
I don't think a single person will be like,
"Well, you know Seth.
If there's anyone he was going to pay tribute to..."
I mean, I've never even -- I've never even seen
an episode of "Full House."
Name a kid...
Lovely person. I've met her. Lovely.
But name a kid after Ashley Olsen? I mean...
[ Laughter ]
So...that's the risk.
Anyway, I'm sorry. I completely --
Sometimes I lo-- All right.
So, the baby's name. We named her Mary Kate.
[ Laughter ]
If you want to hear her name,
if you want to see pictures, if you want to hear the story,
you have to watch the Thanksgiving episode,
which is on tonight.
My parents are on, and this is something
that we're just gonna start doing more.
We're gonna use this show to promote Corrections,
Corrections to promote the show.
Shoemaker, you've always said your favorite word -- "synergy."
[ Laughter ]
This was a joke I decided not to do
because it tonally didn't seem right
based on the emotion of having a new kid.
I was gonna say,
"Do you guys want to see a picture of my baby?"
Again, I'm not gonna do this 'cause, tonally, it's wrong.
Say, "You guys want to see a picture of my new baby?"
And then I'd show this,
and then I'd go, "Which one of you was with her?!"
[ Laughter ]
It's Thanksgiving, and...
I am thankful for a lot.
Many things are new about my life
that weren't true last year.
Beautiful baby girl is one of them.
Another one -- less important but also lovely --
is the advent of Corrections.
And I just want to say doing this every week
makes my life a little bit better.
And I couldn't do it without you.
So as much as I hate to say this,
I want to share that...
I am thankful for every one of you that takes the time
to leave a comment on our YouTube page.
We are off for a week. See me in two.