Rome Total War.
It’s good to be home!
…As the Britons.
As an island we have a long and illustrious history of annoying everybody else.
Just for the hell of it!
Even if it inconveniences ourselves to do so.
Now that’s dedication.
To uphold that tradition I’m going to declare war on France.
Many lives will be lost until just one of these two mighty nations remains.
I WONDER WHICH ONE IT WILL BE.
At my disposal are brave warband.
Head hurling skirmishers.
Terrifying chariots!
But I won’t be using these to defeat the French.
I’ll be relying on a peasant hoarde.
Why have 300 trained professionals when you can instead surround them like a plague with
3,000 plague-ridden peasants?!
Time to put the commoners of Briton to the ultimate challenge.
Let’s begin.
I got the boring stuff out of the way, like building a road infrastructure and in negotiating
map information with the Germanians (those are the Germans) and the Gauls (Yes, those
are the French).
Now I knew where I needed to attack.
We had already established a foot-hold in Northern France HERE.
The settlement doesn’t look like much but it’ll be the base of operations for this
campaign, and the one line of defence that separates the Gauls from Londononium.
So I chose to reinforce it.
I depleted England of every grown man it had, kitting out every unwashed barbarian with
a broom and marching them across the channel to the front-line.
Commanding them, and leading the charge into mainland Europe, is this fine specimen.
Just look at that tache.
I know already why he’s clan leader!
As soon as the army was full, he marched his pride of peasants to the other bit of North
France, to see if this tactic would even work.
Declaring war on the Gauls quickly drew several of their armies out of the woodwork and for
their first challenge, my peasant hoarde would have to deal with an attack from both sides!
Yup, this is a thing with Rome if you try playing it today.
It crashes every few loading screens which makes this a HORRIBLE video to make.
I tried all sorts of things, but nothing would work- that is, until I found this thread.
Apparently, if I move it all to a new folder and then reinstall the game, it fixes the
issue!
Some how.
Of course, it wouldn’t work because why would it?
Why do I need to move it to a new folder and THEN reinstall?
What’s the logic behind that?
Even the guy suggesting it didn’t understand how it worked.
I still didn’t believe such a stupid thing would work- but as desperate as I was I tried
it any way.
And to my amazement, it
Didn’t work.
Oh well.
Luckily, as was tradition back then, I quicksaved regularly and it wasn’t long before I was
back in the action.
2 separate armies?
Trying to do TACTICS against me?!?!
Ha!
They had played into my army’s strength!
The first army met me head-on and faced off against an ever-thickening wall of enthusiastic
farmers.
Now, remember- these enemy warband are trained and carry proper shields and weapons.
In a fair-fight, they’d easily win.
But this is NOT a fair fight.
What my farmers lacked in skill, they made up for in numbers and quickly surrounded the
Gauls.
This timelapse says it all, as my rabble absorbs its foe like water drowning a really cute
puppy.
First army defeated, they did the same to the second while my general chased down the
stragglers on his chariots.
An easy first victory for my parade of peasants.
The Gauls must be quaking in their boots at such military might.
Hmm.
The Gauls tried to cut off my supply lines by attacking my ship… but they lost that
battle as well.
Not going their way, is it.
I did some boring old town management, slaughtered the locals, that kind of thing, before heading
onto the next city with my unwashed throng and silver-tache’d leader.
…which led to the second battle.
This wasn’t going to be like the first, though.
This time, my 3,000 peasants would be up against over 2,000 trained soldiers, some of whom
would fight to the DEATH.
After an inspiring speech, my men were ready for BATTLE!
Their main army stretched across the land and rolled towards mine, like a very long,
intimidating rolling pin.
But my peasants remained strong and soon they engaged at numerous points.
The size of their army hindered my attempts to encircle them.
But I still found a way!
And soon, the enemy’s finest soldiers found themselves sandwiched between my peasants
like a sausage in a hotdog!
It wasn’t long before the French started running away, which only made it easier for
me to surround their remaining fighters!
Before long the fear had spread and the French were fleeing the field, leaving nothing but
brown trails in their wake.
But there were some who resisted!
And they too got surrounded and soon turned their tails and fled.
It was glorious.
An almighty win for my peasant army!
And another region of France under my control.
The enemy general had survived, so I chased down his remaining forces,
It should have been an easy victory.
I had vastly greater numbers, and circled him successfully.
But his elite units refused to back down!
I did it right.
Previous armies had given up within seconds.
But not these.
All 3 groups held their ground against literally THOUSANDS of farmers.
I eventually won, yes- that much was inevitable.
But I lost 800 peasants in the process.
‘Just get more then!’
You might be thinking.
But it’s not that simple!
My cities were tapped out.
No new soldiers to replace them.
Part of me thinks the devs are wise to my OP peasant strat and introduced this restriction
solely to nerf it!
My only option was to sit tight, to let time pass me by and to wait as more peasants reached
the age they could legally be slaughtered at.
My leader got older and wiser.
His beard, older and wiser.
The enemy general returned once again!
Turns out he had managed to escape before.
I would have called him a worthy adversary, but his battle sense was apparently lacking.
What did he think would happen when I eventually attacked him again?
This time, I made sure that he wouldn’t get away.
With the enemy crushed for now, I could focus on a new problem.
The upkeep for my immense armies of peasants was draining my funds at an alarming rate!
I did all of the stuff a responsible accountant would do.
I sold off my assets for short-term profit.
And I sent my peasant armies on suicidal missions to reduce the burden on my empire.
Well, I SAY suicidal, but they proved to be a remarkably effective- even OP- force to
be reckoned with!
4,000 peasants surrounded a fortification of 2,000.
But there was a problem- Cynfawr the Honest got caught in the rush hour traffic around
Samarobrivia and it was up to my half to keep the pressure on until they could arrive.
The French rushed out and my army got to work, swarming them and eating away at their numbers.
It got hairy at points.
Like when some of my forces started to retreat.
Although I didn’t use my chariots for battle, they ran about nearby (and often inside) my
troops for motivation.
The ghastly French forces and their heavy cavalry surprised me by charging from a side
entrance.
A bit like this bit from Lord of the Rings.
But my peasants held their ground and eventually defeated the enemy general!
The rest of the French forces put up a valiant fight.
It took forever to beat them back, and my framerates plummeted to unspeakable levels.
My reinforcements finally arrived, but they proceeded to dick about and do nothing helpful,
so my exhausted army pushed on into the city to secure the city centre.
I tried doing tactics, but they weren’t having any of it, so the battle was decided
in a brawl a bit like that ridiculous bit in the Dark Knight Rises.
I had won and secured another key part of France.
But my casualties were high.
I had lost over 2,000 brave peasants and had to recruit more from across the kingdom.
Poor France wasn’t doing too well, either.
Their remaining provinces were split down the middle by a few rebel counties that they
hadn’t yet claimed as their own.
One fragment lay in Spain, the rest, in Italy.
I placed a decent defensive force to stop any attacks from Spain and my peasant army
marched on into Italy.
This could be a big mistake, risking me getting involved in central Europe during this turbulent
time of history.
Was I ready to meet the Romans?
Actually- were they ready to meet me?...
But then something happened that I DIDN’T expect.
…Germany attacked.
With just their most important guy.
You know, like, the one they won’t want to have killed?
I had no problem in sending my elite horsemen against such a pest!
We got ready for what would be a very one sided victory…
…he ran away, returning to Germany and achieving NOTHING.
So I returned to fighting France.
Their two cities in Northern Italy were no match for my leader’s villager swarm.
He took them both with ease.
But then my aging leader suffered a worse fate.
He started getting bogged down in the politics of central Europe, accepting trade deals and
engaging in complicated affairs like trying to sue the EU.
Not like this.
This isn’t why he became a conquerer.
Ever since he was a small boy, he had wanted nothing more than to fight for Britain.
To make his country proud.
He made working guns out of knex, which he and his friends would fight with for hours.
He would stay at home through the summers, writing Lord of the Rings knock-offs and modding
Unreal Tournament to be a bloody- large-scale sword fight sim.
His parents grew concerned about his violent tendencies.
They thought it best that he took a break from it all, so brought him to caravan sites
where he was away from gaming and violence.
But then he got involved with the wrong crowd.
They started having stick duels in the woods.
The fights popularity grew with their brutality, and soon every child on the site was up there,
taking sides, building forts and launching daring raids into each other’s camps.
But one day, he got hold of his Mum’s video camera and it changed everything, forever.
He knew what needed to be done.
He brought peace to the disjoined factions of Trelowarren, uniting them under a beautiful,
shared dream: to recreate Helms Deep from Lord of the Rings, in one the greatest home-movies
of all time!
It took place one fateful sunny afternoon and raged on for at least a few hours.
Many fell.
Again and again, every take.
Continuity was awful.
Trolls were introduced through forced perspective.
If you shook the camera enough, a passing seagull could kind of looked like a fellbeast.
Eventually it was filmed, and they gathered around to watch their creation.
It was beautiful.
That was the moment Barrivendos knew that he wanted to be a conquerer.
He didn’t want trade deals.
He wanted heads to smash!
Towns to plunder.
Countries to crush.
And luckily for him, Rome (Total War) gave him what he asked for.
They allied with him… …only to betray him 2 seconds after.
Big mistake, Romans.
Oh, yes.
THIS was more like it!
Ideas of French defeats were thrown out of the window and he set his sights on the powerhouse
of Europe.
The Romans thought their superior culture could save them, but our daring leader and
his peasant rabble cut through them like a knife through hot butter, taking and retaking
provinces across Italy, fighting the French and Germans on one side, and the Romans on
the other.
His peasants did him proud, though, and defeated wave after wave of superior troops from all
nations and backgrounds.
He even reached Rome itself where he had the first draw of his career!
…Followed swiftly by a stonkin’ great WIN.
By reclaiming Rome as the British I have gone full circle in my Rome Total War story.
But our 70 year-old hero’s victories don’t end here.
No!
His tales of domination and retaliation continued across the globe- some say he’s still pillaging
to this day.
But this is where he leaves our story.
For this is meant to be about France.
He'll never be quite the same as our hero, but Obelix proved to be kind of a big deal,
too, so I chose him to lead the attack on France.
There wasn’t much left to take- more of a mop-up effort than anything.
In fact, the Germans proved to be a bigger threat, nibbling away at my French regions
but never getting too far.
The last great battle was fought in Southern France, around a rock that split the battle
in two.
What can I say.
I applied the swarm tactic to great effect once again, getting the enemy units engaged
in melee before sending my remaining villagers around behind them.
Within seconds of being smothered by British Barbarians they’d inevitably turn their
tail and flee.
Once I started winning on one side the rest also fell.
Killing their general was simply an extra bonus at this point to help speed things up
and to minimise my casualties.
Soon, I had pushed France into Spain.
But nothing’s ever easy, is it.
I had no ill-will towards the Spanish, but soon they were blocking my path.
I did a token amount of critical path analysis, tried to force my way through, got stopped,
and resorted to genocide.
Sorry.
At this point in my mission, I just kind of wanted for this to be over.
The French managed one last stand against my troops- they rallied forth and took a secondary
army that I had sent forward to assist the main one.
They rushed out to meet me.
I swarmed them.
I got a few victories but the general of this army was rubbish and soon all of my units
started running away and before I knew it, I had lost.
Embarrassing stuff.
A few crashes, battles and betrayals later, Obelix arrived with his villager throng to
show everybody how it was meant to be done.
Soon, he through the gates of the last French city.
Thousands of identical men were soon pouring in, like water into a cup that was made in
France or something.
The AI bugged out at this bit, getting glitched against the walls and door.
I surrounded them but it didn’t do much and I lost quite a few people before the French
retreated to their central courtyard.
THE ENEMY KING IS DEAD.
It just wasn’t France’s day.
Their demise was upon them.
But then, there was peace.
Silence.
I wanted to do this right.
I encircled the square.
And then it was time.
The French put up a good fight, but my villagers were better.
And soon, the French were no more.
I had done it.
I had defeated the French with but an army of villagers and some bad-ass generals.
And had accidentally gotten sidetracked and taken Rome as well.
I could now lay this buggy, dated game to rest.
I mean, it was either that or I could carry on my hero’s world domination.
Or…
I could start the campaign again as the French.
Ha ha.
Hahahaha!
HAHAHAHAHHAHAA!
I think not.