-Meeting my wife's parents for the first time, my parents...
And so they went to the -- My... [ Laughs ]
This family has this summer home. Old summer home.
It's been like, five generations in the family, in New Hampshire.
And it's a beautiful place.
So, my parent's come up...
My mom calls me before she comes.
She goes, "Uh, hi, honey."
I go "Hey, Mom." She goes, "Don't hang up."
Which usually means that she has something that's gonna
make me mad and I'm gonna hang up.
So I go, "What's going on?"
She's like, "Look, it's not a big deal.
Daddy lost his front tooth last night."
[ Laughter ]
"What are you talking about?"
She goes, "He bit into something and he l--"
I go, "Well, go see a -- go to a dentist.
What are you talking about?"
And she goes, "The dentist is on vacation.
He can't go to --"
I go, "What are you gonna do?"
And she goes, "He's just not gonna smile this week."
And I go, "What are you talking about?"
And -- and.. So...
So then she goes --
So I go, "All right, I'm gonna hang up."
She goes, "Uh, don't hang up. I have one more thing.
I rubbed my eye in my sleep last night.
I have a real bloodshot eye."
And go, "Gross!" So I go --
This is my parents, you know, a pirate and a jack-o'-lantern,
all right?
So they came in a while, so they're hanging out, and then
we're hanging out there.
My mom had trouble walking, something like that.
So we're -- I'm on the second floor
with my girlfriend at the time, in separate rooms,
when over there, and...
I say hi to her, something like that,
and then we hear a knock on the door.
I go, "It can't be my mom.
She wouldn't walk up the stairs."
So my -- She goes, "What?"
So I open the door, and it's my mom.
She goes, "Everything's fine."
[ Laughter ]
So, earlier in the day, my dad jumped in the lake
to just show everybody, like...
It was actually too cold to swim,
but he jumped in for fun. He did a handstand in the lake.
It was funny. And it, like, got a laugh or whatever.
So I go, "What's going on? Is that smoke?
Mom, are you lighting the summer house,
this family's summer house on fire?
Like, what's going on?"
She's like, "It's -- No, everything's fine.
Daddy wet his money when he jumped in the lake.
[ Laughter ]
So he put it in the microwave."
[ Laughter ]
My dad --
My dad lit $500 on fire.
And there were burnt $20 bills all over the kitchen.
I go, "What are you guys doing?
You just got here! Just..."
I'm like, "She's never gonna marry me.
She's never gonna marry me."
-Five minutes, you've been... -Five minutes, you've been here.
What is going on?
And of course, he's piling up all the 20's and not smiling.
You know, like my...
[ Laughter ]
[ Audience applauds ]
I love you, Dad. I love you, Dad.