-Well, you guys,
it was a beautiful day here in New York,
with temperatures hitting 70 degrees.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It was great. New Yorkers were outside
lathering themselves with sunscreen and Purell.
It was amazing. [ Light laughter ]
But today was nice. But I can't wait for tomorrow
when everyone shows up with a weird face-mask tan.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, these are fun times to do a show right now.
They really are. Just so everyone knows,
in the event someone in the audience lightly coughs,
the emergency exits are here, here, and here.
Thank you very much.
[ Cheers and applause ] No problem.
But I'm excited about this.
Alex Rodriguez is my guest tonight!
[ Cheers and applause ]
A-Rod -- A-Rod is gonna preview the new baseball season,
and it sounds like it's gonna be crazy.
[ Audience "Whoos" ]
Instead of signs, the Houston Astros
are gonna steal other teams' Purell.
That's what we're hearing. [ Laughter ]
-Indeed. -Everyone is talking about
the coronavirus, but health officials are telling everyone
to stay calm.
This weekend, the Surgeon General
praised President Trump's response
and even said that Trump is healthier than he is.
[ Laughter ]
Can we see the Surgeon General?
[ Laughter ]
Can we see Trump?
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
That looks like a personal trainer
and his client who keeps canceling.
[ Laughter ] I mean, it's just...
"Can't make it. Sorry, can't make it today."
[ Laughter ]
"Very busy. Very busy." -"Gotta golf."
-"I'm going through a tunnel, sorry."
[ Laughter ]
This weekend, Trump was asked if a final decision
had been made about the docking of a cruise ship
with positive coronavirus cases on board.
Check out his response.
-Docking to the ship. Has a decision been made?
-Uh...
That's a very good question.
[ Laughter ]
-Great. That's what we need in times of crisis --
a cliffhanger, you know? [ Laughter ]
Looks like someone just asked him the ages of his kids.
"Uh..." [ Laughter ]
"18? 9? I don't..."
[ Laughter ] "20?"
Meanwhile, Senator Ted Cruz was exposed to the coronavirus
and is now in self-quarantine.
And once again, we've learned it's never good when the words
"coronavirus" and "Cruz" are in the same sentence.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Never good. -Come on.
-And now experts are warning people over 70
from traveling or gathering in large crowds.
In other words, the 2020 presidential election
is cancelled. I'm sorry.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] They can't...
[ Cheers and applause ]
-On Sunday, Bernie Sanders said that he won't cancel rallies
or other campaign events because of the coronavirus.
Bernie was like, "If the bubonic plague
didn't take me out, nothing will."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Bubonic plague?
All right, let's change the subject
to something more upbeat.
Today, the stock market suffered its worse loss since 2008.
[ Laughter ]
That's right, the stock market dropped almost 2,000 points.
It's times like these I wish Bloomberg was still in the race
'cause you know he would've taken out his wallet
and said, "How much do you need?"
[ Laughter ]
But get this -- as the stock market tanked
this morning, Trump tweeted, "Good for the consumer.
Gasoline prices coming down." [ Light laughter ]
That's like the Titanic sinking and the captain yelling,
"Good news -- free deck chairs."
[ Laughter ]
"Take as much as you want. Don't worry about it.
Free! Free!
Take five. Sure. I don't care."
[ Applause ]
The primaries are still going, and Bernie Sanders
has been criticizing Joe Biden for his ties
to the corporate establishment.
He may have a point, because a lot of big companies
have been endorsing Biden, but they all had different reasons.
For example, Chipotle said, "Just like our burritos,
we like that he's great in the beginning
and falls apart at the end." [ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Next up, Powerade said, "We're everyone's second choice, too.
Don't worry about it." [ Laughter and applause ]
"You don't have Gatorade?"
And finally, TikTok said,
"We're committed to endorsing the younger candidate."
So there you go. [ Laughter and applause ]
77 years old.
Well, this weekend, President Trump fired
his third chief of staff Mick Mulvaney.
Then he assigned him to a new job --
special envoy to Northern Ireland.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
Seems like Trump's kind of punishing Mulvaney.
Just look at some of the other jobs
Trump thought about giving him.
First, there was ambassador to North Korea.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, the activities director on a Princess cruise ship.
[ Laughter ]
Then, there was, Apple Store employee
that exclusively handles customers 75 and up.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"This said my name."
[ Laughter ]
-"It's glad."
-And finally, an Uber driver on St. Patrick's Day.
-I mean, that's -- You don't want these things.
These aren't very good gigs, no.
[ Cheers and applause ]
The news can sometimes be pretty heavy,
so I thought maybe I'd take a second to focus in a poetic way
on some of the news stories that you might have missed
that are a big lighter. These are real news stories.
You'll see what I mean. It's time for "In Lighter News."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪ In Lighter News ♪
-Roses are red. Violets grow wide.
Drunk Uber rider taken for a $1,700 ride.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Roses are red. Violets go in a bonnet.
Two men arrested for the possession of whale vomit.
[ Laughter ]
Roses are red. Violets have chemicals.
We now know how millipedes have sex thanks to glowing genitals.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Roses are red. Violets are their neighbor.
Newspaper prints extra pages for people to use as toilet paper.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ]
♪ In Lighter News ♪
- Real.
Real news. Yeah. -[ Laughs ]
-And, finally, check this out. Just in time for Easter,
Crocs is teaming up with Peeps to offer a special shoe.
Take a look at this.
[ Audience "Oohs" ]
[ Laughter ]
-Wow. Peeps and Crocs.
Just paint the word "moist" and you'd have a trifecta
of things people hate. We have a great show.