On December 31, Donald Trump said his dream was for peace,
specifically in the Middle East.
And then on January 2, he did this.
ANNOUNCER: This is CNN Breaking News.
Our breaking news tonight is huge.
A rocket attack on the Baghdad airport
kills Iran's most revered military leader
and a senior official in Iraq's paramilitary forces.
Now, the Pentagon announced tonight
that the attack was a U.S. air strike.
Sweet Jesus.
Donald Trump ordered the killing of Iran's top general.
What happened to peace? Huh?
When most people break their resolutions,
they eat ice cream instead of working out.
This guy rained down fire on these mother(bleep).
He ate ice cream while doing it.
Now, despite... despite-- that's a real thing.
He ate ice cream while it was happening.
He's like, "Mmm."
Now, despite all the instant experts on social media
suddenly tweeting about Soleimani,
the truth is, for most Americans,
Iran's top general was far from a household name, right?
The only Iranian leaders most people know
are the Ayatollah and The Iron Sheik.
It's a very broad range.
But don't get it twisted. Don't get it twisted.
For Iranians, General Soleimani was as big as it gets.
NEWSMAN: Qasem Soleimani was no ordinary general.
The U.S. officially classified him as a terrorist,
but in Iran, he was a national hero.
NEWSWOMAN: This morning the entire region on edge.
Iran vowing retaliation amid fears that two nations
are on the brink of an all-out war.
NEWSMAN: Funeral processions unlike anything seen in decades
are continuing this morning.
President Trump and Iran are also dangerously trading
very serious threats of war.
A commander of Iran's Revolutionary Guard
said his country had 35 U.S. targets in its crosshairs,
ready to pull the trigger.
President Trump tweeted over the weekend
the U.S. has 52 targets identified,
including cultural sites in Iran.
Okay, you have to admit this is wild.
Trump kills Iran's top general,
and then when Iran threatens to retaliate,
Trump says, "You better not, or I'll destroy your culture."
Yeah. What's next, he's just send a text,
like, "Oh, you think you crazy?
-Well, I'm loco, ese." -(laughter)
Now, first of all, destroying cultural sites
is probably a war crime.
You can't do that, all right?
Because according to the Geneva Convention,
in war, the things you destroy
are supposed to be for the purpose of the war,
not just to be dicks.
But secondly, there is no way Trump knows anything
about Iranian cultural sites, okay?
In fact, if the Iranians are smart,
they'll use this to their advantage
just to get Trump to get rid of stuff that they don't want.
They'd be like, "Please, Mr. Trump,
"don't destroy our most cherished cultural landmark,
"that karaoke bar next to my house
"that stays open till 3:00 a.m.!
-(laughter) -Don't do it, Donald!"
So now the United States and Iran are on the brink of war,
but the killing of Iran's general has a ripple effect
across the entire Middle East.
NEWSMAN: The death of Qasem Soleimani in Baghdad
ignited a new chapter of regional tensions.
American allies in the region
are preparing for possible retaliation
and are on high alert.
So are American forces, with 9,000 in the region
and 3,000 extra preparing to deploy.
NEWSWOMAN: The State Department issued
an urgent warning overnight telling all Americans in Iraq
to leave the country immediately.
The Pentagon announced that the U.S. has paused its efforts
in the fight against ISIS
due to a need to protect U.S. troops in the region.
NEWSMAN: Iraq's Parliament voted
to kick out the 5,000 U.S. troops in the country.
President Trump fired back, telling reporters
if Iraq does force U.S. troops to leave,
he'll make Iraq pay for money the United States spent in Iraq
to build an expensive airbase.
Okay, guys, I don't know, but I think it's safe to say
that this thing's not going according to plan.
Because you realize now America is sending more troops
to the Middle East-- and also, how is Trump
gonna flat-out refuse to leave someone else's country?
Right? He would be the worst Airbnb tenant of all time.
Yeah. Just writing a review like,
(like Trump): I burned myself cooking meth in your kitchen,
so I'm not leaving until you give me my money back.
(laughter)
Now... you might be wondering,
how could this well-thought-out plan
to assassinate an Iranian general turn out so chaotically?
Well, maybe it's because this plan
wasn't so well thought out after all.
NEWSMAN: After the president saw the protest
at the U.S. Embassy in Baghdad and blamed Iran,
aides presented the president with a variety of options.
NEWSWOMAN: "...top American military officials
"put the option of killing him...
on the menu they presented to President Trump."
Military leaders were stunned when President Trump decided
to kill Soleimani,
top brass viewing his death as the most extreme option
they presented to the president.
Okay, now, I know this might not be a popular opinion,
but this is where I don't blame Trump.
Pentagon officials gave Trump a menu of options,
but then they were shocked when he chose the most extreme one?
(laughter)
Get the (bleep) out of here, man!
You were shock... Have you seen Trump's apartment?
What part of his life makes you think
he's ever gonna pick middle-of-the-road options, huh?
If you don't want Trump to pick something,
why do you give him the option in the first place?
Donald Trump will always pick the most extreme option
on a menu, whether it's a military strike or KFC.
He's always gonna pick the most extreme thing.
He'll be like, "Yes, I'll have the Meat Lovers Explosion
with extra bacon served in a kiddie pool of ranch dressing."
They'll be like, "Sir, uh, we don't actually have that.
That's just, like, a publicity stunt."
He's like, "That sounds like a you problem.
And no lettuce."
(laughter)
So, now, because of Trump's extreme decision,
the world is in a state of panic.
Because, like, the truth is no one really knows
what's gonna happen next. Nobody.
We could be on the brink of war-- World War III--
or the whole thing could just fizzle out,
like the beef between Nick Cannon and Eminem.
Yeah. Lot of people don't know,
but, uh, Jared Kushner actually brokered that peace deal.
Yeah. He does stuff.
So, we don't know what's gonna happen,
but the question on everyone's mind is...
why would Donald Trump even bring everybody to this point?
Why do something so risky?
Why now?
Nobody knows.
If only there was a wise man,
some wise man in 2011
who could have predicted
why this would be happening today.
Our president will start a war with Iran
because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate.
He's weak, and he's ineffective,
so the only way he figures that he's going to get reelected,
and as sure as you're sitting there,
is to start a war with Iran.
I believe that he will attack Iran
sometime prior to the election
because he thinks that's the only way he can get elected.
Isn't it pathetic?
-(laughter) -He's right.
It definitely is.