- When you're on a date, how can you build attraction?
Well, one of the ways that you can build attraction
and greater connection with someone
is by knowing the things that people find unattractive,
the things that actually repel people away
and make sure that you're at least not doing those things
while you're bringing your best self to the interaction.
So today I'm gonna share with you five
of the least attractive things
that actually chase men, away check it out.
(gentle music)
Hey there, my name's Mat Boggs and I'm the founder
of the Love And Relationships Division here
at the Brave Thinking Institute where our mission
is empowering people to create and live a life they love.
And that includes your love life.
So if you like this video, I encourage you
to click that little subscribe button, click
that little bell, because every week we bring you videos
to empower you in your love life.
And today I'm talking about
the least attractive things that people can do on a date.
And this is usually a topic I try
to avoid cuz I love to keep things positive.
And yet it's a topic that can be useful
because when we're dating, dating is like a skill set.
We're not born with knowing exactly how to behave on a date.
And it's like saying, well
just be yourself and everything is gonna be great.
Well, when you're doing something new for the first time
you're learning a skill, you're gonna learn golf
or you're gonna shoot a basketball or do any kind of sport,
it really actually helps to know
what not to do because if you know what not to do,
it can steer you in the direction
of having way better results later, building connection,
building attraction, building rapport with people,
there's actually scientific things
human relatable things that the majority of us
as human beings, we connect to, we relate to we bond to.
So when you know what not to do, it can
really help steer you in the right direction.
So the first thing not to do is gossip.
And here's what's funny.
Most people don't even know when they're gossiping
because they've been raised with gossip.
The majority of people have been raised
with parents that gossip.
So what is gossip?
And what's funny is when you extract gossiping as a topic
of conversation, often people don't even know what
to talk about because they've been so used to gossiping.
That's really what they've trained themselves,
all of their conversations sent around gossip.
So what is the definition of gossiping?
Gossiping is where you're giving a report
about someone else that that person hasn't yet confirmed.
That isn't public knowledge
because that person has made it public knowledge.
So you're talking about a friend of yours that you work
with a coworker and you're like, you know what?
This person, they just stuff all their emotions.
Like they don't express themselves.
Anybody has something to say with them.
They just stuff it down.
And I think that's why they get sick all the time
and blah, blah.
And you're talking about this other person you've
never once had this conversation with them.
That person hasn't made it public knowledge that, yes
that is the case Indeed.
That is gossip where you're like, gosh
I really hate it when this person does this.
And they do that anytime you're talking
about someone else and they haven't yet confirmed
that report or that story, that is considered gossip.
And the captain of all gossip is this is, when someone says
and you might have people in your life that do this.
You might be the person in your world that does this
where you're talking with someone you're like
so this person told me this and not to tell anybody.
So I'm gonna tell it to you, but you can't tell anybody.
Okay, that is like the ultimate gossip.
So here's what is like
on the receiving end of that, what happens?
You know, that if this person is talking about other people
in a negative or derogatory or critical way
it's only a matter of time
before they talk about you that way.
Here's the challenging part, it's interesting,
it's interesting, that's why we have E! TV.
That's why we have all kinds
of gossip channels because people love to tune in.
It is fascinating, it's interesting.
So it can be an interesting conversation in the moment
but ultimately it repels because it's negative in nature.
And eventually he's gonna think, dang
I can't really trust this woman
not to gossip about me when she's not with me.
So do your best to avoid gossip
and instead fuel the conversation
with more empowering topics that uplift the both of you.
Number two is using victim language.
Now just saying that you've probably been on a date,
if you know the difference between being a victim,
and victim language versus claiming your power
and owning your power, taking responsibility
for your life, it's instantly obvious who's done their work
in this area and who hasn't, you probably been
on dates with people who use victim language.
And you're like, oh my gosh, like I know
that this person just hasn't done this level
of work and it's a complete turnoff.
So victim language is simply where you blame circumstances
for your experience.
When you say things like, gosh, you know
I hate my job because my boss makes it so unbearable.
Now you're blaming your boss
for your experience in your job.
Now I know that boss might be a total jerk.
He might contribute to the toxic environment in your work
but why are you staying there in the first place?
You have choice you could leave or you say things like, gosh
I'd really love to insert whatever.
I'd really love to exercise more.
I'd really love to read more.
I really love to meditate more.
I really love to do whatever more
but I can't because, that's victim language,
I can't because I'm so busy.
I don't have time to meditate.
I can't, I'm so busy, I don't have time to exercise.
I'd really love to read more
but I'm so busy at work all the time.
Victim language is where you blame circumstances
and conditions for your own experience
instead of taking responsibility.
Victim language is like, gosh
every one of my exes were total narcissists.
Like any time you're on a date and you're blaming your exes
you're blaming another circumstance.
The man's thinking, wow,
she either doesn't have a good picker, right?
She isn't a good judge of character.
Do I want a partner like that?
So just noticing your own language instead
of using victim language,
using empowered language talk about the things
that you've love that you've created in your life, the type
of lifestyle that you've created, that you really enjoy.
The things that you're passionate about.
Those types of things are expansive in nature.
And when you talk about topics that are expansive
in nature, it actually expands the energy field in him.
And we gravitate towards people who feel expansive
and help us feel expansive in their presence.
So when you're on a date
avoid victim language and use empowering language instead.
Now the third least sexy thing
that actually chase partners away is
unable to contribute to conversations.
Now you might be laughing at this one saying, Matt
come on now, because you've been on dates
where the guy didn't contribute the guy wasn't any fun
and it didn't build attraction with you.
Or maybe he monopolized the conversation.
Didn't even let you have a chance to insert yourself.
I actually had a client once do a brilliant move.
Cuz a lot of times when guys are monopolizing
the conversation, it's cuz they're nervous.
And really they're just trying
to impress you cuz they like you.
So it's not always that they're narcissists, a lot
of the time is that they're just trying to impress you
and up their chances with you and they're unskilled
or they're over talking in the conversation.
So after about 20, 30 minutes, my client paused him
and she said, you know, I've learned a lot
about you and you have such a fascinating life.
Like I'm highly interested and intrigued
and I realize you don't know how much about me.
So would you be willing to do me a favor?
And he is like, yeah, I'd be willing to do anything.
And she was like
would you be willing to ask me some questions
and get to know me?
And he kind of took him back
and he was like, oh, I'm so sorry,
like, yeah, like tell me about you.
And he leaned in, he asked all kinds
of questions that took their relationship,
that took that conversation rather
to the next level, took the relationship further.
He asked her out for a second date.
It was a great pattern to interrupt.
So both of your ability to contribute
to the conversation is really important.
So you both get to know one another
and it makes it interesting.
And let me just say this.
I believe that conversation,
the art of conversation, that's a dying art.
So many people spend so much time
on their phones and flipping through apps.
And you probably can relate to this,
that sitting when you're not
on your phone when you're not engaged in something else
and you're just gonna have a conversation
with someone that takes practice.
And so what are you gonna talk about?
What are the things that you find interesting?
So a couple of tips here, number one,
talk about family and your past.
You wanna keep things interesting,
talk about things you're passionate about.
So some of our greatest
most emotionally impactful moments are how we grew up.
So ask him about some of the favorite moments he had
as a kid that he enjoyed the most.
Ask him about what he learned
from his mom or his dad that helped him become the man
he is today, asking him about things that matter
to him will keep the conversation really interesting.
And most often he'll ask you the very same questions
and that way you're both sharing
about things that matter to you
and that's what makes the conversation interesting.
Now both number four and number five are a bit
of pet peeves, more than anything else
like subconscious things that push people away.
And while I usually don't like talking
about things that are this surface level,
these two I believe were worthy
of bringing up just so you can be self-aware
whether you're doing these things or not.
And I actually noticed on number four, I tend to do this
at times in my own life, in my own relationship.
But number four is called vocal fry.
And I just did it right there.
Vocal fry, is where you actually don't put enough air
into your words
and you have this fry sound in your, in your words.
And there was this great study done
where they had 800 people and they recorded these phrases
both with vocal fry and without vocal fry.
And the question on the table was
is this person likable, is this person trustworthy,
and would you want them on your team?
In other words, would you hire this person?
And by and large they completely
was doubleblind study, randomized all these phrases.
And the one distinguishing factor were the phrases.
It was just audio.
The audio that had vocal fry was significantly rated
less trustworthy, less likable, and they didn't want them
on their team than people who'd spoke
with more air, more power in their voice.
So now I know this is a nuance.
This is just something interesting
but just notice in yourself
whether you tend to end your sentences with the full air,
the full statement, or you tend to go into more vocal fry,
which sometimes I tend to do as well.
Now in no way shape or form am I saying change who you are
for someone on a date, but if this is giving rise
to an awareness of something
that you're doing that's not connected to who you are,
it can be a beautiful thing to say,
oh I didn't even know I was doing that.
And it might be pushing people away in an unconscious way.
So you can make that adjustment
and build more attraction on the date.
Number five is also sort of a surface level tactical
or strategic thing that we do that either bonds people
to us or chases or pushes people away
and it's called uptalk.
Now, when I first studied and learned about communication
and how to speak as a professional presenter
this was one of the topics
that we talked about is how do you demonstrate confidence?
How do you demonstrate authority?
How do you demonstrate certainty?
You see so many dating coaches putting out there
the advice you've gotta be confident.
Well, how do you do that?
There's all kinds of elements that comes with confidence.
One of the ways that you're confident comes
across in both your body language
but also how you use your voice
and uptalk is the antithesis of confidence
because uptalk is where you put a question mark at the end
of every sentence and it doesn't make you sound like
you know what you're talking about
but more like you're asking for permission
that they might actually agree with you.
That's uptalk where at the end
of every sentence is you go up in nature.
Let me give you a couple of examples of this check this out.
- It looks kind of big, but it's supposed to be
I got it in a size up so that it would be really slouching?
But over like a bright the king top, that would be so cute.
- But not to say
that I'm like flying through everything is like easily
but I did definitely expect it to be like
I would be at the library from like morning to like night?
- So you notice in these examples
they're just subtle aren't they?
But if you in your communication are gonna end a sentence
with what you believe or something that you stand
for or even something that you like, ending it on the down,
when you get to a period at the end of your sentence, end it
with a period, a down tone, that will communicate confidence
and it's way more attractive.
It's way more attractive.
I'm not sure which one way more attractive. (laughs)
So there you have it,
five things that are the least sexy things that you can do
on a date tips for things that you might not be aware of
that now are inside your awareness
so that when you enter on that date, you can build the bond
that you would love to create with your special person.
So my question for you is
what are the things that you find men doing
on a date that you don't find attractive?
This is gonna be good.
Go ahead and post those in the comment section below
I'm gonna love checking these out.
The guys in my world
are gonna know what should we avoid doing
that you don't find attractive
so they can build a stronger bond with you.
Post those in the section below.
I appreciate you. Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
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