- I've known for a very long time
I'm a fusion between boy and girl.
I'm just stressing about not being feminine enough.
(speaking foreign language)
It'd be so much easier if I just accepted
the identity that people saw me.
Not having control over what your body is doing
is really terrifying.
- Good breath, and then just speak.
- My name.
- Good.
- I'm a trans woman, now.
So, just had my first shot of estrogen.
The second that I was going, I was just like,
"Ooh, it's happening."
Just had my second shot of estrogen.
The medicine felt a lot less thick,
but I definitely feel more sore.
- I'm Jill Silverman.
I'm an endocrinologist at Los Angeles Medical Center,
Kaiser Permanente.
An endocrinologist is a doctor who has subspecialty training
in endocrinology, which is the study of hormones.
Generally, we use estrogen when we're trying to
have the hormones make female secondary sex characteristics.
All of these physiologic changes that we see
due to the hormonal therapy,
make a physical change that connects the patient
along with their emotional and psychosocial changes
that they're going through.
- I was hoping for really noticeable face changes.
I have noticed like, some more like, suppleness and like,
especially my skin is much softer,
and it's been super subtle.
These are micro changes that are happening in your tissue.
To track it obsessively is a little overwhelming
- So, we just showed up at Ava,
and we're going to be doing my facial hair removal today.
I was just thinking about this earlier,
about how much stress my facial hairs been bringing me.
I feel like it's the one thing that people can just look at
and go, "Oh, it's a man."
My face is a little shiny
'cause I put some numbing cream on it
to help a little bit with the pain.
I think it's a little hard for me to see any of the changes,
'cause I'm really like, living with myself,
and looking at myself in the mirror like, every minute.
No, but like, every day, like,
it's a very gradual changing process,
and some of my friends have seen changes
in my face and my body.
I forgot my stress ball.
- Oh, do you want one?
- Oh, yeah, that'd be great.
- I'm going to do a couple of spots.
You ready? One, two, three.
(machine beeping)
- Do all the treatments hurt?
- So, you're feeling it more
because your hairs are so coarse.
The more coarse they are, and the darker they are,
the more energy's picked up,
and then certain areas of the body
are more sensitive than others, so.
All right, that's it.
- Yeah?
- So, you can always put ice on it.
If it's a little uncomfortable
I always tell people to treat it,
have you ever had a sunburn?
- Yeah.
- Treat it like a sunburn,
so no real hot showers, no hot bath.
- Oh, that was painful.
Like, it just sucks how much pain women have to go through,
and trans women have to go through specifically,
like, to ascribe to these traditional models of femininity.
this is like, a longterm strategy,
like, despite the pain now I don't have to shave as often.
Eventually I won't have to shave at all.
Power out to anyone who has to go through this.
It's always the lighting.
Like, it either makes you look really good or really busted.
I adore makeup.
Makeup is a woman's armor.
After experiencing masculinity
and how much power there is in just the identity alone,
and how much protection and safety there is,
when I put my makeup on, it feels like war paint.
It's also really messy,
in the sense that the vanity that it feeds into.
Welcome to me room in Hollywood, California.
I'm trying to be one of those classy Audrey Hepburn,
kind of ladies,
but shopping for a body that hasn't come through yet,
and kind of like, a mind that doesn't know where
I want to fall yet is a little hard .
Growing up, clothes didn't mean that much to me.
And then, in high school,
I started realizing it was more a form of self-expression,
and in college, I was playing the game left and right.
In the last couple of months,
where I started wearing more feminine clothing,
it's been really difficult to find things
that I think speak to my style.
For a lot of trans folks, clothes equates to safety.
Means that you can navigate the world
in a way that people will be like,
"Yep. That person's a man." Or, "That person's a woman."
You know?
So, this is my closet.
This is a shirt that like, whenever I would go out clubbing,
and trying to pick up guys like,
this is the shirt that I would choose, you know?
I haven't actually worn it since I've started to transition,
just because I connect it so much with like,
my masculine sexuality, you know?
This one is one that I've worn before,
and it's a dress that my mom got in Mexico.
So, it means quite a lot to me.
I do have a couple of things that I'm ready to get rid of,
so we can look at those.
We have some Berkeley sweatpants,
and as much as I love my school,
I don't think I'm going to rock them on my pants.
Oh my God, these pants, they're so clunky,
and they have so many zippers.
I wore them a couple of times,
and I was like, "Yeah, this isn't going to happen."
So, ready to get rid of that.
Same with this blazer.
I think this one is actually my aunts.
My aunt is a proud lesbian woman
but this is a very like, work chic blazer kind of, thing.
I feel like it's time to get my own work clothes.
Taking an inventory of what you already have
and what you want,
can be really difficult and stressful.
So, for any trans kids out there, I guess I would say,
you'll find yourself seeing that, you know what?
This isn't true to me anymore, and that's okay.
It's just clothes.
You can either give it away to a shelter or burn it.
Don't burn it. That's bad for environment.
I'm finally ready to get rid of a lot of this
just 'cause it's this emotional and spiritual baggage
that I'm not strong, willing,
or able enough to carry anymore.
- Oh my God, hi. Nice to meet you.
- I'm ready to help you find your new style.
- Thank you so much for coming, I appreciate it.
- Of course.
- Shall we go in?
- Yeah, let's go inside.
So, tell me a little bit about your style.
- Yeah, totally. So, like, loose fitting things,
- Okay, totally.
- But, that still shows my shape.
- Like, what colors do you prefer?
- I think I like earth tones? - Earth tones, okay.
- So, not so much graphic tees,
'cause that reminds me of what wore when I was younger.
- Okay, totally, I love it, okay.
Oh my God. It is. I have this exact same shirt.
- Oh my God, that's so cute.
- Right? - Yeah, that's awesome.
- And then, do you like dresses?
- Yes, I love dresses.
I like, (inaudible)
- I do like that actually.
Okay. Thank you, I'm like, learning more about you.
This is cute. I love that.
Totally. Is that, do you like it? Yes. Okay, cool.
- Yeah, this is very me.
Yeah, that's cool.
- I like this.
Ooh, what about this?
Oh my God, and it's new. Score.
- That's very cute.
- Was there a piece that you want to try on first?
Like, just give me a piece and I'll work with it.
- Let's do this one.
- So, we have a little dress.
That's great with this.
- Oh my God. I love it,
and it goes with the shoes and the necklace.
Oh my God. Doesn't that look cute?
I really like the jeans too.
Love it. This one's my favorite so far, so, cool.
Oh my God. Who is this? Okay, serve.
(upbeat music)
- I am currently packing
for my trip to DC and New York City, very excited.
And, I'm realizing just how much fem clothes I have,
which is pretty cool.
So, I'm a little upset today.
I got mis-gendered like, five times,
and my brain thought the best solution
was to over tweeze my eyebrows.
So, yeah. But, I'm kind of getting really tired
of having people "he" me,
and I'm over it.
- Andrea. It's so good to see you.
You look terrific.
- Thank you.
Two of my friends had gotten facial feminization surgery,
and I was like, terrified.
One of them looks kind of similar
and then the other one looks completely different.
She was telling me that you can actually do a lot
of those feminizing procedures with,
- Non evasively, yeah.
- Could you tell me a little more about that?
- We want to create something that's just for you,
a more feminine version of your face.
So, as I look at the face,
I'm going to divide the face into thirds.
One, two, three.
So, let's look at your brow here.
Your forehead there's a little bit of prominence here,
of this bone that's more masculine..
So, to make it a little bit more feminine
we'll put a little bit of filler right in this space here.
And so, here also,
a man's actual brow is flatter and straighter,
and so for a woman we want it elevated just a little bit,
like that.
We're working on the middle third of the face now,
and so in this area, you're a little bit flat.
So, we want this rounded and then we'll bring your cheek out
a little bit like this.
Your chin and your jawline are beautiful,
and that looks great.
But if we just give you a little bit of volume
out to the sides.
- Wow, that's a lot.
- Well, it's a lot, but it's very subtle.
And, you look just like yourself, but a feminine version,
which is what we're going for here.
It's very important to seek out a healthcare provider
who's very well-trained.
If a person has a complication from the filler,
it can be quite serious.
And also, if a person has worked on, you know,
even if it's injectables that isn't quite right,
it's very difficult, it's not impossible,
but it's difficult to unwind.
- I can really easily get swept up in glamor,
and what it means to be beautiful,
or external validations.
But, like, I rarely like, remember the internal work
that it took for me to get there.
And, I think one of the powers of femininity is like,
being able to self reflect,
and self identify, and put your finger on it.
The biggest common thread
throughout my transition has been this doubt, which is sad
because like, I've talked to a lot of my trans girlfriends
and like, they're like, "I was sure. I was positive.
This is the right thing."
And like, I've gotten inklings of that.
But like, as you know me, I'm very like indecisive,
and I'm very like flippant and kind of like to jump around.
(gentle music)