THIS WEEK, WE'RE HEARING A LOT ABOUT TRUMP'S NEW NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR AND DENTIST REALIZING HE JUST KILLED HIS
PATIENT, JOHN BOLTON.
( LAUGHTER ) BOLTON IS A WELL-KNOWN WAR HAWK.
HE'S CALLED FOR WAR WITH IRAN AND MADE THE CASE FOR PREEMPTIVE
ATTACKS ON NORTH KOREA.
HE CAN BE JUST AS AGGRESSIVE IN HIS PERSONAL BEHAVIOR,
EVIDENTALLY.
IN 2005, A REPUBLICAN CONGRESS REFUSED TO CONFIRM HIM AS U.N.
AMBASSADOR BECAUSE OF REPORTS HE WOULD "BULLY GOVERNMENT
ANALYSTS" AND HAD "A HISTORY OF BERATING AND UNDERMINING ANYONE
WHO ATTEMPTED TO CHALLENGE HIM."
AND KEEP IN MIND, THIS WAS BEFORE THAT WAS CONSIDERED
PRESIDENTIAL.
EVEN WORSE, WHEN A FEDERAL CONTRACTOR CRITICIZED A DEAL
BOLTON WAS WORKING ON, SHE SAID "BOLTON THREW A TAPE DISPENSER
AT HER, SHOUTED THREATS, CHASED HER DOWN A MOSCOW HOTEL HALLWAY,
POUNDED ON HER DOOR AND 'GENERALLY BEHAVED LIKE A
MADMAN.'" WHICH IS EASILY THE SECOND-WORST
THING A MEMBER OF THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS DONE IN A
RUSSIAN HOTEL.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ALLEGEDLY.
THE SO THIS IS VERY UNNERVING.
OUR INCOMING NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, JOHN BOLTON, IS BEING
PORTRAYED AS AN UNSTABLE WARMONGER.
HERE TO REFUTE THAT IMAGE IS AMBASSADOR JOHN BOLTON.
AMBASSADOR BOLTON, SIR-- AMBASSADOR BOLTON, THANK YOU FOR
JOINING US.
>> OH, MY PLEASURE, STEPHEN.
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME THAT NOBODY THINKS PRESIDENT TRUMP
HAS HANDED THE KEYS TO THE WAR MACHINE TO SOME SORT OF
HAIR-TRIGGER LUNATIC.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT IS VERY REASSURING, SIR.
>> BECAUSE IF I HEARD SOMEONE SAY THAT, I'D BLOW THEM UP
QUICK!
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP'S GIVING ME THE NUKES!
BADDA-BOOM.
BAM!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SIR, I JUST WANT TO
BE CLEAR: I AM NOT THE ONE SAYING THOSE THINGS ABOUT YOU.
>> GOOD, BECAUSE IF YOU DID, I'D CHASE YOU THROUGH A HOTEL
FLINGING MINI SHAMPOOS AND STAIP LERS AT YOU.
COME ON!
COME ON, COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON!
YOU'RE NEXT, SADDAM!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SO, SIR, YOU'RE
SAYING THERE'S NO TRUTH TO THE STORIES OF YOU BEING AN UNHINGED
BULLY?
>> STEPHEN, THOSE STORIES ARE NOT ONLY HOGWASH AND POPPYCOCK.
THEY'RE ALSO POPPYWASH AND HOGCOCK.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M AS SOFT AND TAME AS GENERAL
SNOWBALL.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY.
WHO'S GENERAL SNOWBALL?
>> THAT'S THE NAME OF MY MUSTACHE.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S MY CLOSEST ADVISOR AND A
BRILLIANT TACTICIAN.
>> Stephen: WELL, SIR, I CAN-- I CAN SEE HE'S SERVED YOU WELL.
SERVED YOU WELL.
NOW, MR. BOLTON, YOU HAVE CALLED FOR THE USE OF MILITARY FORCE
AGAINST NORTH KOREA AND IRAN.
BUT IS THAT REALLY THE BEST OPTION?
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, WHAT ABOUT SANCTIONS?
( LAUGHTER ) >> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
SANCTIONS-SCHMANCTIONS, MANDY PATANKTIONS,
I'M GOING TO SEND SOME BIG FAT TANKS IN!
BOOM-BOPPITY BLIM BLAM!
>> Stephen: WELL PUT.
WELL PUT, SIR.
WELL PUT.
I-- I FEEL LIKE I DO HAVE TO ASK-- IS YOUR MUSTACHE GETTING
LARGER?
>> OH, YEAH.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
GENERAL SNOWBALL HERE JUST GETS A BIT ENGORGED WHEN HE SMELLS A
WAR COMING ON.
YOU WANT ACTION, DON'T YOU, BOY?
( PURRING )
EASY, FELLA!
HERE, HAVE SOME SHAMPOO.
HERE YOU GO.
TIME FOR DADDY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
SIR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OKAY, THIS IS EXACTLY-- EXACTLY WHAT PEOPLE
ARE WORRIED ABOUT.
YOU SEEM EAGER FOR WAR, AND YOU NOW HAVE THE PRESIDENT'S EAR.
>> WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
LIES!
THIS IS NOT HIS EAR!
( LAUGHTER ) ONCE AGAIN, THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA
IS PORTRAYING ME AS SOME SORT OF DERANGED NUTBALL.
MAKES ME WANT TO BOOMSKIDDILY- DIDDLY-BOOM-KABOOM!
>> Stephen: PLEASE, PLEASE, CALM DOWN, SIR!
>> THIS IS MY CALM, COLBERT!
NOW YOU'VE GONE AND UPSET GENERAL SNOWBALL!
( MUSTACHE GROWLS ) CALM DOWN.
( BARKING ) NO, BOY.
STEPHEN FRIEND.
STEPHEN SMALL, LITTLE, FEMININE MAN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
SIR, DO WE OR DO WE NOT NEED TO WORRY ABOUT YOU ADVOCATING
FOR PREEMPTIVE STRIKES?
>> STEPHEN, I'M A RATIONAL MAN, AND REASON DICTATES THAT WHETHER
IT'S AN AYATOLLAH, SOME ROGUE KING OF DENMARK, OR THE PERSON
TAKING TOO LONG IN LINE AT THE AIRPORT SBARRO, YOU HIT THEM
FIRST!
BIGGITY-BOOP-BOPBAM!
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SORRY.
AMBASSADOR BOLTON, I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING.
ARE YOU SAYING, SIR, THAT YOU, WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET
LUNCH, PUNCHED A TOTAL STRANGER AT-- AND I WANT TO MAKE THIS
CLEAR-- YOU WERE AT AN AIRPORT SBARRO'S WAITING FOR YOUR PIZZA?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS ) >> NO, STEPHEN.
THAT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.
I TOOK HIS EAR!
LUNCH TIME, GENERAL SNOWBALL!
HERE WE GO.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, MR. BOLTON.
AFTER TALKING TO YOU-- AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THESE
WORDS-- I THINK YOU MIGHT BE MORE UNSTABLE THAN DONALD TRUMP.
>> OH, COME ON, STEPHEN.
I'M NOT THE MADMAN THAT THE MEDIA AND MY WORDS AND BEHAVIOR
MAKE ME OUT TO BE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M A VERY GENTLE AND NURTURING
MAN.
AND TO PROVE IT, I'LL BREASTFEED A PUPPY.
COME ON!
COME ON,INOUSLE UP, SUGAR BUNS.
HERE WE GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'LL FEED THE WORLD!
>> Stephen: JOHN BOLTON, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DANA CARVEY!