Before we start talking about sex
then something has to happen along the way, as is always the case in life
and we'll get back to sex in a moment..
the thing that needs to happen is something in our head, our mind and our brain
because our brain is a very erotic instrument
and it's the basis for how we act and behave
our mind is connected to the brain
and just to look from at something from a different perspective
you probably know that one of the greatest fears a person has
is a fear even greater than that of death
I'm talking about the fear of public speaking
and there comes the question why is this so terrifying?
I'm standing here in front of you
and thinking that the likelihood of you starting to throw knives and tomatoes at me as very, very low
and I assume that you probably won't do anything to me
So why this anxiety?
because thoughts start to appear
that sound like, What are they going to think of me? Will they like it? Will it be allright, will they think I'm stupid?
will they.. ect. ect.
and then your mind goes..
and the more thoughts you have, the more you stress, and the more you stress the more you think and the cycle continues.
and this is when anxiety starts to appear
and this anxiety means that many people resign from public speaking
but I'm not going to talk about public speaking but about our head.
taking into account that we know we have these thoughts
and thoughts have something in them that when they appear they create emotions
and if we have these emotions, we have even more negative thoughs
and we end up in a cycle of negative thoughts
our character here is sad
because he sees his reflection and he believes he is ugly
and the more he looks at his reflection and the more he believes he is ugly
the more adjectives he adds the sadder he becomes
and he feels even worse
Of course if he thought I am handsome, his mood would improve and there wouldn't be any problems.
But our character here does have a problem.
We already know one thing that we have thoughts and these thoughts lead to emotions.
These thoughts lead to us feeling something on a physical level with the body
and what we feel in the body has an effect on our thoughts.
What do we also know about our thoughts?
We know that they can come because we want them to
and they can also come because something invokes externally
and they can also come without any particular cause.
So for example, I believe most of you here want to listen to me now and concentrate on what I'm saying
but also at the same time, sometimes your mind will slip and it will go somewhere else. Wherever.
What am I going to eat for dinner? Oh, it's going to be about sex, maybe I'm going to have sex today, maybe I won't have sex
If I think I'm going to have sex, great, our emotions will rise.
If it think I'm not going to have sex then.. then our emotions fall fall and the cycle continues.
This is pretty much what it looks like.
So a thought can appear because.
I come home and see some socks lying around
The socks are the stimulus and they say to me aha, my partner doesn't love me because I told him not to throw around his socks.
The socks as the stimulusr bring about these negative thoughts.
I could sit in a room, be relaxed and feel great and all of a sudden remember about the socks that used to lay around..
And since they were lying around then he didn't love me then and he doesn't love me now and my thoughts become negative again.
Or I could want to think about these socks intentionally and then the process accelerates.
What we also know about thoughts, is that they can have an obtrusive nature.
What this means is once they're already in your head, then sometimes it's difficult to get rid of them.
For example, let's think about a strawberry.
Since we are in Gdansk, let's make it a Kashubian strawberry.
Let it be with one with a beautiful perfume, red, one that we've waited for a long time after the winter and spring
and this strawberry is so delicious when we mix it with other fruits, or by itself, or with champagne and then sex.
A now let's stop thinking about this strawberry.
We're not thinking about the strawberry at all.
We're not thinking about the perfume of the strawberry, the taste of the strawberry, that it's sweet and sour down the bottom
and I bet that most of you still have this strawberry somewhere in your eyes in front of you, and it still hasn't disapeared.
So this is the following thing that is happening with our thoughts.
So sometimes there's a thought that just sticks and doesn't want to go away
and this unimportant strawberry, and if you're not allergic to strawberries then this is a fairly neutral theme.
but it's worse if the thought that stays with us is that I'm not attractive, my partner doesn't love me, I can't satisfy my girl.
Then we have a problem, because we end up in a channel of negative thoughts that bring us down.
The following thing that we know about our thoughts, is a little bit of a paradox.
Because our thoughts are in our head
and we are our head
and it's we who have these thoughts.
So we are these thoughts.
I am that what I think
I am that what I believe I think when I'm thinking.
So to say this differently when thoughts come to my mind that I am ugly
then this thought begins to stick, and because it's there, maybe that's the way it really is.
It didn't appear for no reason right?
Because I'm thinking and believing this, this thought becomes real for me, and despite it only being a thought it becomes the truth.
Yes I am ugly
and the more I think in this way, the worse I feel.
and this period is the most difficult, to see that my thoughts are only thoughts
that they are not the truth
that they are only a figment of our imagination
and our head produces thoughts non-stop.
We think all the time, each one of has some sort of monologue or dialogue in year head.
You're processing what I say or you're not processing what I say
but your mind wanders and wanders and wanders and wanders..
and when a thought appears which is important for us emotionally, with something difficult, with something sad
it sticks and we're off..
and we feel worse and weaker and more broken.
So this is what happens with our thoughts and with our head and what creates our mind
But how does this all relate to sex? Because it was meant to be all connected.
I've already said a little about what these socks lying around are..
Often when couples come to me for therapy the biggest life problem is socks lying around
an open tube of toothpaste, a toothpaste tube..
toliet paper that should be hanging away from the wall and not towards the wall, because this is very important. Ect. ect.
But when people argue about these sorts of things, often they are really arguing about something else.
The toothpaste, the toliet paper is really the external stimulus that enters my head and has an influence on the way I think.
If this is important for me, then these thoughts will stick and the toothpaste becomes the proof
that I'm not loved, that I'm not listened to, that I'm not important
that's if we have negative thoughts about ourselves.
Or.. my partner doesn't love me, he's a scoundrel, he's a slob. Ect. ect.
That's if our thoughts are negative towards our partner.
Which ever way we go, our mood worsens.
If we choose the path where we are angry at our partner we also undermine our relationship.
Because now our partner returns from work tired, and he doesn't know what your on about?
and we say a you with your toothpaste!
and he doesn't know what your on about.
and he says what toothpaste, why is this toothpaste a problem?
it's only toothpaste, why can't we just behave like normal people and not talk about this toothpaste?
Because in reality we are not really arguing about toothpaste.
We are really arguing about principles and about values.
But until we are honest with our thoughts and we don't treat them as some sort of phenomenon that's in our head.
then it will be difficult to see that this toothpaste is only a symbol
and really it's not worth the game and candle..
Because when we are talking about relationships there comes another big question. What are my values?
What kind of values do I carry inside of me, and what kind of values do I want to realise in my relationship?
If some of the values that are important in my relationship are intimacy, sensitivity, love..
If this is the kind of relationship I want to build
Then it's a lot easier to look at my thoughts from a critical point of view
and see if these thoughts allow me to realise these values
or if they undermine me
but there is still another matter
to see in fact that these thoughts are not really a splash from reality
and to confirm that in fact we believe in them and that they say to us that this is the way it really is.
He didn't put his socks away, he doesn't love me
and this is a very difficult moment
and it's a little bit like the moment that Piotr talked about, to have that freshness in your relationships with another person
and because of this when I'm stuck in my thoughts and I treat them as the truth believe that I am what I am thinking
then it's difficult to keep this freshness, because if he doesn't love me, then I'm not going to try, right?
But is this the way it really is?
This is obviously a completely different question.
The moment when I begin to treat my thoughts as something that happens to me, not necessarily something that is me.
Then sometimes something comes from here, other times from there and some of these things that come into my head settle me down.
and in this way I clear my mind from the things that I don't need
and it's a lot easier to find happiness, joy, intimacy
and add whatever suits you and what you find important and what you need.
So what is the solution?
The solution is actually quite banal, yet also very difficult
to make our sex better, in every intimate situation with another person, with our partner
we have to get into a state where we can get rid of those unnecessary thoughts
and concentrate on the values that we would like to have
Are the thoughts that make me feel ugly, fat, unattractive going to help me feel intimacy with my partner?
because he's here he probably doesn't even think that.
This is already one thing that proves these thoughts wrong.
But the second this is will these thoughts even help me?
They won't.
The thing that will help me is to look at him with a fresh pair of eyes.
Allow myself to be in this given moment.
With this given touch.
Within this given glance.
in this given second. Right now.
Not the one that just passed, and not the one that will come.
Right in this given second.
Just like when we were in love with someone for the first time.
Just like when we looked at eachother for the first time.
With love and sensitivity, because we were interested and we didn't know what this person might bring us.
When we get into this state and we try to become open then we get this intimacy.
and the more we are in a given moment and the clearer our mind is of all these unecessary thoughts.
these dysfunctional thoughts
Beliefs that are partner is like this or like that
but he probably isn't.
He probably is much more cherished than when we think about him when we are angry.
Then something extrodinary happens.
Then magic happens.
Thank you very much.